Reflections from Fathoms Below

Hey, all. How you're doing? I hope you're doing okay so far this month. If not, please get better soon. Sorry for being MIA since I last wrote to you, but I've been doing a lot self-care, and by self-care, I mean getting back to a form of normalcy after working two shows back-to-back, one of which was incredibly challenging. That means actually going back to work without worrying about rushing to rehearsals. Your nights are finally free! It also means having the time and space to fit in workouts. Your nights are finally free! It could mean you can actually cook meals and bake again. Your nights are finally free! It means that you can schedule coffee breaks, lunch breaks, dinner breaks, movie breaks, and everything in between with your friends... or with yourself. Your nights are finally free! Are you starting to get the pattern here? YOUR NIGHTS ARE FINALLY FREE!!!!!! I couldn't be happier to have my nights free again because it means I can play catchup on everything I've missed and had to put off because of rehearsals and performances, and actually breathe after the business and stress of putting on a show. Obviously, when you have work early in the day, you still wish you can have the extra rest so you don't feel so tired getting up early. But those days off... those are sublime in my eyes. There's so much that can be done on your days off, things that you haven't had a chance to do because you were so busy focusing on your show or project. For starters, I finally got around to shredding all of the paper that's been gathering in my apartment. And it was a lot! I got to cook for my mom and I again, and I made some pretty awesome dishes, if I do say so myself. Chicken soup with orzo, pan sheet shrimp boil, authentic British scones, four cheese crab mac & cheese, Cajun alredo pasta, Swedish meatballs and noodles... I'm getting hungry just thinking about it! I actually got back to doing my workouts consistently, Monday thru Friday. And yes, I'm noticing a difference in how I feel and how I look! I got to read outside in front of some of the most fashionable stores on some goregous days for two hours straight and listening to calming music. I forgot how much I love reading books when there's downtime. I got around to buying some items that needed to be replenished and actually fits my needs, like new bras, some poster frames for my posters from Broadway, some lotion for my face, more ingredients for my magic in the kitchen, and more. It feels nice to finally get around to things that you've been putting off for a while! I got to go on some auditions without being stressed out or wearied from rehearsals and performances. I thought they turned out well, but you never know in this business. What if it actually goes well for a change? But if there's one thing I've been doing with my nights off is something I've never thought I've had to do. And that's grieve. But not in a good way. If you haven't ready my previous blog post, I highly recommend it to understand the context. All you need to know is that this show I finished last month was not good to me, and there's a lot to process and heal from. Something I've thought I would never have to do in my career. Not only did I, and I'm still, grieve, but I also had plenty of time for some deep reflections and observations about this show... And my career in general. I've come to some pretty startling conclusions about my career and myself, and I'd like to hope that I'm not alone in these deep reflections. Because it's those reflections and observations that we discover who we truly are... And where we're meant to go.

Being alone in your thoughts can be both a good thing and a bad thing. Why is it good? Well, you can find peace of mind to comfort, encourage, and celebrate yourself. But why is it also bad? Well, you can find a space to criticize, belittle, worry, and overthink on yourself. And believe me, overthinking is the absolute WORST. And it's in those moments you're forced to see yourself in the ways you've been either blind to see or didn't want to see. It's in those moments inside my head and grieving and processing I realized some startling observations that's been a part of my life for a long time. The first one is pretty obvious for all of actors and artists out there, and it's how much control we want in our careers. We crave it so much and when things happen that are out of control, we have to do more in order to get that control back. And then it hit me... I always feel like I have to do more. More auditions. More classes. More networking. More shows to see. More part-time jobs at the theatre just to get noticed. More credits. More interactions online. Are you starting to see the pattern? Whether it's my bad habit of comparing myself to other actors or even if it's the fact that I'm a young black woman in the industry, I always find myself striving to do more. And it seems like no matter how much more I do, I just can't get to where others are, or even where I want to be. And this has been a continued pattern for much of my career these past few years. It's especially hard as a black woman because of this idea of having to do more, while also keeping our emotions under control for fear of being called "too difficult" or "too emotional." And that has caused me to grow bitter and even disillusioned with my career because I'm doing so much more that I begin to lose more... Of myself. I've already nearly lost so much of myself after the last show. And I don't want to risk losing all of me ever again. It's just so much frustration and even anger at how much more I have to do just to get my foot in the door. And it's not just me. So many actors I've seen at auditions lately (so many!) are doing more and more just to get seen and have the chance to get in the door. The biggest question I have is simply this: why? Why the need to do more? Why do I have to attend open calls, EPAs, and auditions to no end only to discover yet again that I'm not right for any particular show, or even an entire season? Why do I have to work on new monologues and sharpen my technique just to get my foot in the door year after year? Why do I have to work part-time at local theater companies and organizations just to get my foot in the door, even noticed by casting? Why do I have to work just as hard and just as much as anyone else for the chance to get seen? Why do I have to stretch myself thin and lose myself in the process just for the chance to be up on stage? It could be simply because we're actors, and it's an occupational hazard. We live for these things! But do we really need to do more just to get a part, when we're doing all that we can just to get our foot in the door? It's been said numerous times, whether in public or the comfort of your own home, that this industry is tough. It's also bloody confusing, if you ask me. I mean, here we are - all of us auditioning during the first half of the year, some of us with more substantial credits than others. Many of us excel in the audition room and get the desired reactions from the casting team. We gel with fellow actors in callbacks, And yet, when we turn around and see the cast list, none of us get the chance to be on those professional stages. Again and again and again. Don't you think it's starting to get a little bit repetitive? I certainly think so. I know of people who audition for companies they have a relationship with and they still don't get cast in their season, even though they're doing so much more than ever. Time after time I found myself wondering what more do I have to do to just get in the room... or even get a callback? Or if it's something entirely different that doesn't involve my talents, but how many followers I have on Instagram? Or how my blog post ruffles feathers, even though I strive for authenticity and vulnerability? Or how my passion for the craft isn't enough to make the show successful? Or that I'm just not "known" in this community, no matter how many times I audition? The truth is, I don't know. Nobody does. I often glance in the audition room at the number of people who should be on those big stages, along with yours truly. They have so much to offer and are perfect for the roles presented at auditions. And yet I've never seen them on those big stages. And that makes me mad. Pissed off, even. It's almost as if the bigger spaces that we want to be in doesn't care if we do more. No matter how hard we work, network, take classes, get called back, get glowing reviews, and even invite industry members to our shows, the only thing nearly all of us are good for are smaller theater companies and organizations. And the jump to the bigger stages is just as wide and just as hard to get to than ever before. I've been seeing this for over nine years of my career. And it makes my blood boil that I can't seem to understand or even accept that no matter how much more we have to do, we can never get in those spaces that can help us grow and thrive creatively. Frankly, I'm starting to get a little tired of doing more just to get in the room. Isn't what I have to offer on my resume and what I can bring in my own language and knowledge enough? Granted, some people have an easier time building those relationships and getting into the spaces than others. But it shouldn't be so hard just to have a chance to be onstage. Especially at the bigger places that can provide us with the exposure, growth, and experience we need to get better at what we do. Now, before I go too far, I will say that things are going to quite hard for the theatre communities across the country with the loss of funding, and many programs and shows are affected by this. And that probably means fewer opportunities for local artists like myself.

That's probably something none of us want to face. But here we are. I would also like to add this: Purpose won both the Pulitzer and Tony Award for Best Play. And on Tony Awards Sunday, the message that hit home was to support local theatre, regional, community, and everything in between. My mom added that we should also support and uplift local artists. I just want to to put this out there: There's nothing wrong with supporting local theatre and local artists. Especially emerging artists and artists who have been doing this for over 10 years and just want the opportunity to perform in the spaces that can help them grow. You can't expect anyone to grow if all they're able to get are roles at smaller theatre companies and organizations. And they want to be in the bigger spaces. Heck, they've been ready to be in the bigger spaces for a long time, and they're just as frustrated as I am. Why is it so hard to support, uplift, and more importantly, use local talent that isn't just known by the directors and others just to make a show successful? I can guarantee you that all of us are so sick and tired of doing more for the bigger spaces, and you end up never using any of us in any given season, no matter how hard we work on our materials, our technique, and our hustle & networking game. It's not too much to ask to support local artists. And using a variety of artists to help make a show successful doesn't hurt, either. Which brings me to another startling revelation about myself... I crave control and I have a very hard time letting go and accepting what's out of my control. I guess it doesn't help that there's a lot of things that are going on around us that are out of our control right now, and we're all going through this. Adding to the more point, the times when I could've been cast or should've been cast or not working consistently are things that I have a hard time dealing with because of how much of this career is out of my control, and leaning into trusting God/the universe/divine intervention has been a challenge for me lately because of everything I've been through with my last show and how much I just want to feel better immediately with a new project that is a million times better than what I got in the previous project. It probably doesn't help that I've been getting a lot of rejections lately, and I'm trying to figure out what the next step is. Someone mentioned that if you're in the dark, you're on the right path. And it's a scary place to be because you're not sure which way is left, which is right, which way is up, which is down, or if you're even on the right path to begin with. It's been a challenge to let go and let the things that are out of my control be. Maybe that's just it: I'm having a hard time accepting the things that are out of my control And it probably has to do with a sentence that I'm getting tired of hearing frequently: "that's just the way things are." Not using local talents and nurturing them in the spaces that can help them grown should not be "that's just the way things are." Not using the actual ethnicity called for a role should not be "that's just the way things are." Not calling out toxic behavior, even abusive behavior, from your directors, star actors, and artistic leaders just to keep your donors close should not be "that's just the way things are." Not giving artists, playwrights, costume designers, technical crew members a living wage should not be "that's just the way things are." Not finding new ways to engage with your community, or even branch out to new avenues of finding your audience with new projects should not be "that's just the way things are." Perhaps it's time to retire "that's just the way things are." Don't you think? More importantly, it's time to actually talk about this out in the open, and not just behind closed doors. How can there be change if we're blatantly ignoring all of the problems and issues going on in our industry, and it causes more harm to the people who genuinely care about the arts and their craft? Going deeper still into my reflections, it seems that I've come to another discovery about myself, and I'm hoping that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I have a tendency to jump from one project to antoher one right away, and if I don't get an opportunity right away/it falls through, I get desperate for work. And I end up taking anything just to get my creative juices flowing and say that I'm working consistently. Even if those opportunities don't necessarily fulfill my creative needs and help me grow in the moment. Or propel me forward. It's a known fact among actors that we're always on the hunt for something else after one project ends, or we decide to move onto something else after being with a show for a while (this is especially true for Broadway and national tours). It's also a known fact for yours truly that I've picked onto this belief of going from one thing the next without much rest, because rest makes me go crazy and I start to doubt myself and I start to worry about if I will ever work again. I'm sure many of you feel the same way. But the problem is, you take on the first available opportunity that comes your and you later find out that it may not be best for you. One of the deepest sadness's I've felt since doing the last show was missing out on a callback for an Off Broadway show. I would've given anything to have attended that callback in NYC! Doing a project that has taken so much of my time and energy has caused me to miss out on projects and opportunities that would've brought me so much more joy and direction. And yet at the same time, after doing the previous show I'm not sure exactly what is my next project is, no matter how many auditions and self-tapes I send in. Because they've all led to rejections so far... And after several of them happening in a row, that is making me desperate. But at the same time, it's probably for the best that I'm not doing any projects and opportunities that may not be right for me. As painful as that is to accept this, I'm not meant to do every project that I get reached out for and I'm not meant to accept anything less than what I've wanted for myself and my career. And I shouldn't have to say yes right away, either. I guess I've finally reached a point where I need to be selective, even picky, about which opportunities and projects to say yes to. If it's not grabbing me right away, I have to listen to my gut and just pass on it. There will be more opportunities for me. And ones that will serve my purpose and my career. If there's one thing this last show has taught me is how important it is to ask questions and really advocate for your needs. Perhaps before signing a contract I should ask questions up front about what would happen if I need to leave a show due to a family emergency or health reasons, or even how will I be valued in a production. Desperation makes us forget to put our needs and wellbeing first, especially our mental and emotional health. Or in many cases make us believe that jumping on the first available project will be good for our mental and emotional health when in actuality it's not. It's only feeding our egos and our insecurities that we have to be working constantly without a break or we'll be labeled as failures by others, or so our ego leads us to believe. The truth is, I've come to the realization that I'm currently in a place right now where I'm fighting hard not to be desperate for roles and opportunities because of just how challenging the last show was for me. I'm ready for a much better show that's kinder, more respectful of my time, and fulfills my creativity. And the idea of having to prove myself to others and do more is definitely showing its ugly head right now, and I'm trying to find contentment in the rest and the space in between shows. But it's hard when all you want is to find a little kindness in the next project, and yet you don't know what that looks like yet. 

I guess I'm also in a space where I honestly don't exactly know what's next for me, and I'm trying to discern what it is. Obviously I can't think small anymore, but there's quite a bit of discomfort and hesitation in thinking bigger as I'm trying to ease into thinking bigger when the world seems to tell you to rush into thinking bigger for the sake of your career and your life. I know that bigger means the larger theatre companies and organizations, even Off Broadway or a national tour someday, but I'm just not sure about what that looks like yet.

I've also realized that a big reason why I'm trying not to rush into a project but also fighting for projects is because of how much I want to feel better and be surrounded by artists who understand where I'm coming from and feel safe. I've discovered from my recent therapy session that theatre is my safe space because it literally is the place where I feel the most free, the most myself when I can tell stories, feel all of the emotions, and be happy. I know that it doesn't take a specific building to do theatre, but it's the feeling of community and the craft that makes me feel safe and comforted. But I also don't want to rush into anything that may compromise my needs again like the last show did. It's been a struggle to know that you want to jump right into a next project, but at the same time allow your body, mind, and soul to process and heal after a traumatic project. Being in the dark often means you're on the right path, at least that's what my coach tells me. But it's still a scary place to be because that's when you're forced to do the most work... On yourself. And that's a place not very many of us want to go to because when we often get into our heads, it's not always a good place because not only does it lead us to the most uncomfortable realizations, but it also leads us to overthink, doubt, and question everything we've ever done. But maybe going further into our psyche and discovering the root cause of why we think, act, and believe in the things we see in our daily lives can just be the thing that can help you break free... And lead you to some of the biggest transformations of all. (Whew! This week's post has really dived into some unexplored and new territory, even for yours truly. I think it's worth noting that if you are struggling mentally and emoitonally, please don't hesitate to seek out professional help from a therapist. There is no shame in therapy, and there is no shame in asking for help. And like so many of my posts before this one, these are my observations and reflections, as deep as they are. You are welcome to disagree with me on anything I've said, but what I won't tolerate is any hate speech, offensive language, or divisive comments towards myself or anyone else. We need to learn to agree to disagree and also get along with one another, and if you can't do a simple thing as that, I will block you.)

Sometimes, we don't want to go deep within ourselves. And that's because we may not like what we need to see... Or what others have been telling us what they've known for a long time, and we were just too stubborn to admit it. But going deep can make the biggest difference in our lives, and help us find a way forward. Which brings me to my final recent discovery... I was doing a writing exercise with my acting coach, and she asked me to write down all of my failures in my life, which I did. After five or so minutes, I noticed something about all of my failures, particularly the first three failures at the top of the list: Being mentally, emotionally, and verbally abused by my father. Being mentally and emotionally abused by my sister. Not having a good relationship with my sister. Do you happen to see the pattern here? Much of my failures weren't my fault. Not one bit. They were other people's fault. And I had taken in so much of their behaviors as if they were my problems and that I was to blame. And I was also trying my hardest (and failing miserably) to change them, make them see how harmful their behavior was. The people in my life who were supposed to love me, guide me, encourage me, and support me for who I am are the ones to blame because of their own inner demons. It was not my responsibility to change them or even take on their problems as my own. I ended up becoming a victim, and continued to be a victim even to this day. When you become a victim, you look to others for pity and support, and for them telling you that you're right to feel this way. And you're resistant to change because all you feel is pain for something that is out of your control or someone else's behavior that was toxic and you feel like you were damaged because of all of the pain they've caused you... Pain that wasn't your fault. Pain that wasn't yours to carry. Pain that you need to let go. As an actor, it's so easy to become the victim because of the desperation of getting roles and feeling so much pain after each rejection and trying to put yourself in the right light when things don't go your way and take on their pain and their decision to not cast you as if it's your fault. It's so easy to take on the feelings of others as artists, especially if it's toxic or even bullying because we should be grateful for the opportunity to perform or work with this company or this director or this famous actor. And it's also so easy to make ourselves the ones to blame because we should be grateful for this opportunity. But here's something that's taken much of my life to learn... I'm not responsible for other people's behaviors, and I can't change them, no matter how much I want them to see how harmful or even destructive their behaviors are. And I can't continue be a victim for the rest of my life. I've been a victim for so long, and it's only gotten me nowhere. Yup. You read that right. Being a victim got me nowhere. And taking on so much of the harmful behaviors from others got me nowhere, either. I've been taking on so much that I wasn't meant to take on, and I can't be a victim anymore. I think it's time for me to return to the land of the living for a change. But first of all... I think it's time to come back up to the surface. We've definitely went in deep this week.

So... How am I doing after going so deep in my thoughts and psyche? Well, I'm honestly doing okay. A lot better than where I was a month ago. Somehow, writing things down in a journal, talking with a therapist, and reconnecting with myself has helped me to actually find something my nervous system needed for months... PEACE. You never know how nice it is to just write and let those thoughts bleed onto the paper. It makes it easier to just go about your day, and just speak what you've had trouble saying if it hadn't been writing them down. Writing on a laptop can only go so far. Now, writing on paper, on the other hand, can make quite a difference. And I highly encourage everyone to journal with paper and pen at least once a day. You never know how much of a difference you will see in a matter of days, even a week. Well, what's next for yours truly? At this point, it's continuing to heal and process everything that's happened. But at the same time, I'm now implementing journaling at the top of the day just to get my thoughts down on paper. I'm now moving forward with a clearer idea of what I want and don't want. I'm not submitting for every project that comes my way. If it doesn't spark something in me, it's probably for the best that I don't audition or send in my self tape for it because it probably won't spark joy or purpose for me. Yup, I've finally gotten to that point of being selective with what I choose to submit for, especially after what happened with the previous show. My mental and emotional wellbeing takes precedence, and I need to advocate for those things before I sign a contract. It's okay to say no to projects that don't serve your purpose as an artist. It just means you've raised your standards, and it's time for you to grow and go further. And maybe that's just what this period of rest is... GROWTH. Doing the internal work can do wonders for what's next for you. It may not always lead to good news coming your way whenever your way, but it can make a difference nonetheless. The most wonderful things can happen when you go deep, and as painful as that is, it will lead you to who you're meant to become. Just remember to breathe each time you go deep. And never forget that you are loved by so many people who are rooting for you on your journey. And never forget that going in deep can do just as much wonders and bring about some much-needed clarity that can help you along on your journey. Especially for yours truly. You can only change if you're only willing to dive deep. So... What are you waiting for?