Too Many Cooks Spoiled the Broth

Hey, all. Well, it's been a minute, as you can clearly see. For starters, this whole year has been filled with a ton of changes, much of it not very good. People are losing their jobs left and right. People are getting checked at international boundaries for the possibility of being a threat to the U.S... for no apparent reason. People are getting deported... for no apparent reason. Funding for the arts has been drastically cut or eliminated. The rights of the LGBTQIA+ community are slowly dwindling to nothingness. The rights of the black community are at a risk of being taken away to the point of becoming a second class citizen. Or not even a citizen at all. Yeah, things are a bit scary right now. And if you really want to talk about scary... My mom got laid off from her federal job at the beginning of March, and she's still looking for a job, no matter how many leads there are. Not to mention the many theatre companies and organizations grappling with the loss of funding due to the notion of making the arts more "traditionalist" and "non-woke." And for an actor like me, that can be pretty scary when it comes to how many contracts a theatre can or can't afford to have, or even what stories they can or cannot tell. And despite many of them standing firm in their missions to tell the stories of the underrepresented, women, and the BIPOC communities and rejecting the new guidelines for funding, the future is still uncertain. Then there's the extra security at my job due to some people coming in and going into places where they're not allowed to be in. Then there's your favorite landmarks being erased (think Black Lives Matter Plaza) right in your own backyard. Then there's the rise in antisemitism and hate speech in your region. Then there's your friends dealing with so much drastic changes in their lives - job losses, the death of a loved one, a miscarriage, moving to a new city, enrolling or dropping out of school - while also navigating the current political climate. So... Yeah. There's a LOT of things going on right now, and we're all just trying to make it through one day at a time. And if you're like me, you're just trying to focus on your career while things are drastically changing and trying hard not to go insane. However, there are some good things that's been happening in my life and career. I got to head back up to NYC and perform in a cabaret, which was an unforgettable experience. Both of the songs I performed were well-received. Before I did that, I made a professional acting reel, which is getting a ton of praise from my friends and acquaintances. Then there was working on, rehearsing, and performing my original monologue at auditions, which has been receiving much commendation from casting teams and my acting coach. Then there was starting up voice lessons again, and my voice is stronger than ever. I actually love singing again! Then there was performing in two roles onstage as a principal cast member for the very first time in over a year, and I got a ton of praise for that (including a glowing review!). And then there's the usual going to auditions and submitting for projects, and trying new paths to get to where I need to be at this new stage of my career. Oh, and I didn't even tell you my biggest news... I got to be in my first musical in over five years! How was it? Well... To tell you the truth... It wasn't what I quite expected. In fact, it ended up being less than what I had hoped for. I think you better sit down for this one.

I always knew I wanted to do musical theatre again after someone said I should do it again. But before I even decided to audition, let alone submit, I had to get my voice in good enough shape to sing well. And within four or so months, I fell in love with my voice again and decided to submit for this show. I was over the moon to discover that about several days after I submitted, I got the casting offer. Now, before I go any further, let me first say a few things about this week's post. First of all, I'm keeping the names of the show, theatre company, and director out of this post. This is my own personal choice, and I don't believe in badmouthing anyone by name in public unless it's absolutely necessary. Second, one of the things that I'm doing at this stage of my career is reevaluating my worth. And that includes what I look for in a project. One of those things is how much I'm being compensated, and I can tell you right off the bat it's more than the bare minimum. (I will NOT tell you how much I'm asking for, at least not right now. That is my business, and I just need you to know that I'm going for opportunities that are being paid more than the bare minimum. In some special cases, I will do it for the bare minimum, but at this point in my life, those will be few and far between.)

And in some cases, it means saying no to projects that offer less than what I’m asking for, if they offer anything at all. Or even saying no to opportunities that won’t bring me any joy or creative fulfillment. Finally, this is my own individual experience with this particular show, and everyone's experiences may be different from my own. If at any point you want to reach out to me to ask further questions, you know where to find me. As I was saying, I accepted several days after I submitted for this project, and I was excited to be a part of it. One of the reasons why I wanted to do this musical was because it was one of those stories that always intrigued me, and it seemed like a great opportunity. Another reason was that it was being done in two languages, one of which I've never done before but always wanted to learn. That alone was worth doing the show, along with getting my feet wet in musical theatre again. From the moment I met everyone, I knew I was in for a treat. Everyone was extremely talented, committed to performing this show to the best of their abilities, and helping out in anyway possible. It seemed like the perfect recipe for a wonderful experience, right? Well... Not exactly. I got to experience something for the very first time in my nine years as an actor: DISORGANIZATION. And that included a lack of leadership, ideas not coming together into one singular idea and objective, and just plain CHAOS. For a show that was supposed to be bilingual, have great singing, and wonderful choreography, it was anything but wonderful. Have you ever heard of the phrase "too many cooks spoil the broth?" Well, this proverb first came about in 1575 by George Gascoigne, and it was the idea that if too many cooks add too much seasonings or ingredients to soup broth. it will turn out awful. In layman's terms, it essentially means that too many people who are involved with a single project or activity, particularly managing it, it will turn out awful. This pretty much sums up my experience with this musical. The idea of doing a bilingual musical is always a great opportunity, but when you have too many people with so many different ideas and not a single one of them came together to form a single, cohesive production, you get chaos. And boy, did I get a ton of chaos, far more than I expected to. Or even wanted. When we first started rehearsals, we began working on the first number and getting the choreography down, with a video to look back on for practicing. But when we got to doing this number again, it got abruptly changed with new choreography. I thought that this was normal. Usually there's a lot changes involved with a musical number to make sure it looks and feels right before opening. Well, what I didn't anticipate was that there would constantly be changes to the musical numbers, and having too much time pass in between rehearsals when we get to work on the number again and having to change the steps again without enough practice time to get it into our bones. And this would become the norm for us... at every single rehearsal leading up to hours before opening. And on top of that, we had to learn the second language and incorporate that into the choreography. It's sort of feels like tapping your head and rubbing your stomach at the same time when you incorporate a second language into dance steps and singing. It can be a challenge. But the problem wasn't necessarily doing two things at once. It was the addition of more of the second language because there wasn't enough, even though there was plenty of things we already had to do. Like, um, oh I don't know, singing and dancing. Especially if there were already things that we had been rehearsing for a while and were just about set in stone. And then adding it once we had the choreography down and making more abrupt changes just to highlight the second language in with the musical number. And then there was the director themselves. They had this incredible vision of doing the show in two languages to showcase a community that hasn't been represented before, and while it was a thrill to be a part of the vision at the beginning of the process, there was one thing that was sorely lacking. Leadership. Our director failed to be a leader to the cast and was handing off responsibilities to others to get the job done, which unfortunately led to constant changes and not enough time to get the choreography and blocking in our bones. We needed them to be the leader of this show, and give us actors the chance to grow and be pushed into the characters we were portraying on stage. And we didn't get any of that from them. Did I also mention that we had literally no time for character development or walking through the scenes every day to get it into our bodies? No opportunities for the principal cast members of both languages to actually gel together and define their characters in a way that is easy for both of them to portray and for audiences of both languages to understand until very late in the process, like several days before we were supposed to open the show? Or no time to actually work through a scene over and over again, but instead working on it once and then letting several days pass before we got around to it again when we were expected to remember it but didn't because we didn't get a chance to get it into our bones? Let alone figure out which way to come, when we enter, how fast or how slow we enter, or even what specific line we come in on? Or there was too much time spent on one or two dance numbers or scenes for hours (yes, hours) at a time in the course of several rehearsals making new additions and changes when many of them were already set in stone and we needed to fine tune it, not do it all over again with the new changes? And for many of us in the ensemble we were left with no time to work on our vocal parts and our sections consistently to build up our confidence and endurance to do the numbers effectively? Or when we got to running the show, we had to stop for hours at a time to fix the blocking or add something new or change something again and again instead of fine tuning it and getting it close to ready by time tech week arrived? And we sometimes never even get around to finishing the run because of so many hours wasted on blocking or adding more of the language or changing things, things that should've been dealt with from the very beginning, and not constantly being the norm every single week of rehearsals? Or when we got to tech week and having to adjust the finale of the show, when we should not be adding or adjusting major things like this the week before we open, let alone days before we open? And not only that, not taking into consideration the needs of those who only spoke one language and needed extra help to get where they needed to be and only made it harder for them... and for us? You're starting to see my point? This incredible idea for a bilingual musical with so much promise turned out to be terrible. (There I said it.) And it was all because of too many ideas not coming together effectively to create a delicious soup. I think after this we may never want to eat from this soup again. As an actor, I believe working on a show should be a collaborative process, and we didn't get that in this musical. Some of the most basic questions like "which side do we enter from" or "what line do we start our dancing" or "what hand to use get to the next step" should've been answered from the beginning. Day in and day out, we asked these questions. One cast member was particularly good at asking questions because they were wanted clarification and it mattered to them (which I genuinely appreciated, even when my patience was about to go where dead crabs go). And those answers we got were not definite and they changed each time we went to rehearsal. We offered to help and make it easier for the director, but I truly believed that the production team didn't take our questions, let alone our concerns and worries, into consideration. There was one time when it was especially frustrating for all of us. We were working on a musical number (again, with new changes, again) when our cast member asked a good question about hand placement, and that's when it happened. Our director got upset and then proceeded to explode and have a hissy fit in front of us, saying that it was our fault that the rehearsals were taking too much time because we were asking so many questions, and that we needed to stop asking questions and just do the damn show. (I would've added more expletives to this, but I think you get the idea). Time and time again, we offered to help and do what we felt was right for the blocking, dance steps, harmonies, anything to make this process easier. I even wanted to help out with an acting exercise to get the cast to feel their characters in their movements and walking in character, but when it was finally scheduled, it was two days before we were suppose to open. And I was upset. Then our director blamed us for not doing a good job in rehearsals or even going "full out" when we were all trying our best and never had a chance to allow the choreography to set in our bones. And then the constant changes and reviews that would last for hours on end didn't help matters either. Of course, there were times when we had to be "flexible" for the sake of both languages being represented and all of the adjustments and changes needed to be made. But there's a fine line to cross when "flexible" doesn't necessarily mean that it will look good, let alone, accessible to everyone. I can tell you right now all of us in the cast were frustrated and disappointed with how this show turned out, even if it did come together by the time opening night arrived. We were not proud of it, not one bit. It could've been so much more than what it ended up being, and I think we all wanted it to be over with by the time final performance came. We couldn't wait to be done with this God-forsaken show and just have our regular lives back again. We were tired, but not in a good way. We were happy to do this show, but not in a good way. We learned new skills, but not in a good way. This musical was not good to us. I honestly don't ever want to see or hear anything involved with this musical ever again. And you know it's bad when I even deleted the original musical album and film soundtrack from my music library. I think I know what many of you are asking right now: "Nessa, how are you doing?" Well, I'm honestly doing a lot better than several weeks ago. An overnight trip to NYC and a much-needed break from acting can do wonders for your mental and emotional health. I never realized how mentally and emotionally exhausted I would be by the time this show would be over. I'm usually very optimistic about shows that start off rocky and that they would turn around for the better. Well, I waited... And waited... And waited... And it never got better. I tried to be patient and kind and professional about this, and I needed to be the example for others since I was one of the few professional actors in the cast. But it was when the final week of rehearsals I finally did something that I've never done in my nine years as a professional actor. I got angry. Hell, I was pissed. I burst out crying and I wanted to scream and punch someone. I've had enough of this disorganized crap. I wanted so much to tell the production team how I really felt about this and how much these changes so late in the game were unacceptable. This is the very first show I was in where I didn't feel the least bit safe in this disorganized, even toxic environment, and my needs and concerns weren't met, let alone heard by those who were supposed to lead and collaborate with us. I've had to push through the frustration and disorganization in hopes that things would get better, and they never did. I've found myself coming home from rehearsals stressed, even crying from frustration, because of so many things going wrong with this production. I was overwhelmed to the point where I found myself questioning if I should trust the process, even God. I even thought about quitting the show to just get away from the disorganization, but I stayed because I believed that it would get better. I'm still regretting that decision every single day. I was ashamed of myself for signing up for this opportunity, thinking it would be wonderful to work on a bilingual musical with a higher paycheck and some much-needed musical theatre experience to go back into the world of musical theatre. I've tried to be patient and kind, and then I just couldn't take it anymore. To be treated in this manner as an artist, and see your fellow artists treated like dirt and their needs not mattering to the production team or even having their concerns heard and addressed to make crucial changes to make this a safe space for everyone makes my blood boil. None of us deserved this... I didn't deserve this. For my first musical theatre show in over five years, this was an experience that will haunt me for a while. It may even make me not want to do musical theatre ever again. Not after this experience. I may not even want to do a show with a small, non-union theatre company like this ever again. Not after this experience. I will definitely never work with this theatre company again. Not after this experience. You know what's so hard about this experience? "Things like this happen for a reason." At this point in time, I never want to hear that sentence ever again. Because the only thing I've learned from this experience is that I need to do a better job at asking around about directors, theatre companies and organizations, and even the production team, and as someone who's usually so good at doing this, I failed miserably and got myself in a project that proved to be an absolute disaster for me and my fellow cast members. It's hard to hear that sentence when you're in the midst of struggle, and the last thing you want to hear is that it's "all a part of God's plan" or "you're being refined into something better" or "it will all come together." Sometimes, when you're in the middle of a struggle, you don't want to hear anything that's so usual to hear like "things happen for reason". You just want to hear words of comfort, like "I'm sorry you're going through this." Or "You don't deserve this." Or even "What do you need right now?" Maybe silence is the best thing, and just being able to cry on someone's shoulder and let it all out. Maybe it's the safe space to let it all out - rage, sadness, frustration, and more because you were deprived of that in the moment. Maybe it's just being told that you're not alone, and that it's hard, but you're never alone. The last thing we want to hear is a lecture just to make ourselves feel even more worse than we're already feeling in the moment. We know things suck right now and deep down we believe that things will get better, but right now, we just want comfort. Even assurance that our feelings are valid and that we're in a safe space and that we deserve to be heard because it often feels like we're not being heard or understood in the midst of the struggle, especially when it comes to a higher power. It's a hard reality we all face when we're struggling, and sometimes we want to stick with what we know will comfort us because of knowing how things make us feel better. Is it any wonder we often go to films or books that we've seen or read because we are familiar with how the story ends and how good triumphs over evil (or in the case of a funny film, how much the story will make us laugh and forget our problems for a while?)?

We often want to go to what we know because we want to have that familiarity, and it's hard when we're struggling that we're being put in places and situations that challenge us to go beyond our comfort zone. It can be a lot, believe me. But what are some things I've learned from this terrible experience? Well, for starters, I've realized that from working with this production that I can no longer grow and thrive in the smaller organizations. I think the best way to phrase this is that I've outgrown the smaller spaces, and it's time for me to think bigger. A better way to explain this is a conversation I've had with someone recently about the word "potential." Every time I've been hearing the word "potential" lately, I cringe. I'm going to be real with you for a second: I'm sick and tired of the word "potential." I've been working in this industry professionally for nine years now. I think I've moved past having "potential" at this point. I know and I believe that I have what it takes, and I've been working my ass off for these nine years to show you that I have more than just "potential" now. I may have not gotten a degree in acting, nor did I participate in showcases in undergrad. And yes, I have a lot of work to do to refine my skills, which is easy for me because I love learning new things. But I am so much more than "potential" now. I've had nine years, with plenty more coming, to show you that I'm beyond having "potential" now. I've had plenty of auditions, callbacks, rejections (a ton of them!), shows, staged readings, virtual productions, classes, and more to come to get to a place where I'm seeing that I have more than just "potential". My mom said something that struck me: this particular production company may have been intimidated, even threatened, by my acting experience and knowledge, and how much I brought (or tried to bring) to the production. Maybe they were even scared by my presence and wanted to retain control by not seeing me for more than just "potential." Maybe that's why they didn't listen to my needs and concerns as an artist, not even my offer to help out with an acting lesson to help the cast. I was surprised by that sentence, and also a bit heartbroken. We have all of these ideas and things to make something greater than what anyone could've imagined, and yet there are people out there who see us a threat because of their fears of what could be lost with all of these changes and someone who has far more than just "potential", and want to keep us in our place so that they can have control and not allow things to change beyond what they're comfortable with. Somehow, I think it's the worst opportunities that can force us to see what we no longer want or need in our lives. In this case, I obviously never want to work in such a disorganized and chaotic environment ever again. But it's more than that. I've started to see that I'm meant for so much more than just playing small, and that includes working with the organizations and companies that no longer serve my overall growth and journey as an artist. Sometimes if you really want to grow as an artist, or even as a person, you'll have to see and even accept that being in the small spaces that no longer serve you can't help you get to where you want to be. And it sometimes takes a terrible experience like I've had to see this. I get it. You don't want such negative experiences to force you to see what you don't deserve and what no longer serves you. But as I've come to realize... It takes the universe, even God, to bring those experiences your way just to get your attention, and make you see firsthand what happens if you keep on the path of least resistance and least growth. You can't grow as a person this way. I certainly don't want to. (This blog post is especially raw and heavy as this deals with a tough experience I've had in my career, and while I've kept the names out this, please know that this my own experience I've had. These are my observations and thoughts and reflections on everything that's transpired since the musical's closing. You are welcome to disagree on anything I've said here, and even open the door to more conversations privately if you'd like. What I will not tolerate, however, is any hate speech, offensive language, or even derogatory messages towards this post or any of the previous posts. We have to learn to be kind to one another, even if we can't always agree on everything. If you can't even do that, I will block you.)

In case you may have noticed, I've been a bit more forward with myself than I've ever been. And it had to take a bad musical theatre experience to help me see things in a whole new way. Before I go any further... My heart goes out to my cast who wanted this to be something more than what it ended up being, but I'm so grateful to all of you for being there for me when I needed you the most. There was one instance during a two show day where I got overstimulated and started crying and shaking after mic check took over an hour. The cast was there to give me tea to drink, and they all gathered around me to help me be centered before the performance. Prayers were also said to give me strength and peace in the midst of this chaos. I think someone even said that they were willing to knock on some heads if people had a problem with me putting my mental and emotional wellbeing first in order to perform at my best. I could not have gotten through this production wtihout each and every one of you. It may have not been what we all wanted the show to be, but I'm still thankful for all of you just the same. We got through this terrible experience together. Something else that got me through this chaotic production was something that I've struggled to really see for over ten years... And that's my worth. Being in a disorganized show like this has helped me see that my worth is so much more than what I've received from the production team. The opportunity to grow and be pushed in ways I needed it the most simply never came, and seeing firsthand the things that I no longer want in my career or what no longer serves is a reminder of how much we tend to not value our worth, and also see that we deserve more than what we're being given, simply because we are staying in our comfort zone. I've been there for far too long, and as scary as it sounds, it's time for me to get out of my comfort zone and try new things. That means going into the spaces that I know I will be valued and appreciated in, even if it means asking ahead before accepting an offer. That means working hard and doubling down on getting better at my craft with consistent education and lessons, along with continued education out on the job. That means trying new things like attending opening night performances, free events, and more to get to know my theatre community better. That means sitting down and actually taking the time decipher what I truly want in my career, with this experience as a launching pad for what I don't want. And that means being authentic about this experience, while also doing my best to be respectful and professional. To all directors, stage managers, and production teams reading this, listen up: A disorganized production, even borderline chaotic, NEVER works. Especially for us actors. We need you to be leaders to guide us and push us into making your vision a reality, and not by bullying or guilt-tripping us into doing better when we're working our butts off to make your vision a reality. Not even acting like a petulant child if things don't get your way and using tactics like ruining our reputation because we don't agree with your suggestion, or even not allowing us to collaborate with you. We need you to collaborate with us and allow us opportunities to help you and guide us into bringing your vision of the story to life with effective communication and unity. We need you to have all of your ideas come together as ONE idea to bring the show to life, not have all sorts of ideas coming in from every which way into making this show a disaster. Working together to have a single idea with enough flexibility for changes that allows us actors to shine at our best with accommodations for our needs. We need you to hear our concerns and feedback, and not brush them to the side for the sake of the show. And not only listen to us, but actually take the time to implement and enact changes that need to be made to keep all of us safe and sound in your production. I have two words for you if you are doing even the tiniest bit of chaotic productions and ineffective leadership: DO. BETTER. Whew. This has been a lot. And it's also been a big risk for me to share my true feelings about this production without mentioning the names of the show, director, and production company. I don't believe in badmouthing anyone in public. That's just not professional. But I'm also starting to believe that authenticity matters just as much when it comes to experiences like this. I realize I'm putting my reputation at risk for sharing what's happened with this show, and how much of a disappointment it's been for me. Even unsafe, in some cases. But at this point, I don't care about my reputation. I will accept the consequences of this post and what follows afterward. I'm willing to do the work of rebuilding my reputation and starting over again if it comes to that. What I do care about is being authentic and real with my audience, even if it means calling out how disorganized and chaotic this show was to me and my cast mates. As well as how much this is still going on, even in this day and age. My blog posts have always been about authenticity, and as much as I want to be positive and hopeful, there are times like this when I have to call people out on pulling things like this. Maybe I won't name names on a space like this or even on social media, but I will still call you out just the same. I hope you all know that I'm slowly getting better, and it will just take time and self care to get back to my old self again. I'm not good at disorganization and chaos, apparently. And I hope I never get involved with a company like this ever again. I WILL be back on stage again. I can't say exactly when that will be, but I know I will be back. This experience may have left a sour taste in my mouth, but it hasn't stopped me from doing what I love. What I'm called to do. And there's going to be some big changes in my career from here on out, so stayed tuned for what's coming next. It's time to let go of being good... To make room for being GREAT. If you want to chat with me about this post and my experience with this production, you know where to find me. Talk to you soon.