38 Wishes

In two days, I have something to look forward to, and it's not just the show I get to perform in. Twice! Actually, it's a special day for me. It's sort of my birthday. (cue the cheers, confetti, balloons, and big birthday cake with candles) Yeah. I always look forward to my birthday, even if much of the year isn't all that great. Because it's the one day I get to celebrate another year around the sun, and what I look forward to in the year to come, and how much I've grown in the year since my last birthday. And maybe I still have some growing up to do since my last birthday. I don't really believe that we ever stop learning or growing. Not really. We always have opportunities to get better acquainted with ourselves and see how much we can transform and evolve into our best selves. Even with all of the trauma, hardships, mistakes, difficulties, and conflicts we experience on a regular or semi-regular basis. But even still, there is still a lot to celebrate... Even if it's just making it through another year which hasn't been all that kind to you. And in that case, that is a very good reason to celebrate! One thing I always look forward to when my birthday comes around is how I get to celebrate by myself or with my friends and family. For most years, it's always been by myself since my family and friends have been busy with their own projects, families, and other commitments. But I would still have a nice time taking the train up to NYC to see a Broadway show, do some shopping, eat at some of my favorite restaurants. Or make it a weeklong celebration that includes a trip the local Renaissance Festival (all dressed up, of course!), some more shopping, and some more fun things to eat. I think being able to do what I love for my special day is a priority, and that's especially true now since I haven't been able to make myself a priority for quite some time. Maybe that's why birthdays are so special to me. Because it's all about ME... And what makes ME happy... And what I want to do for ME. I give myself permission to be a little bit selfish for a change, and not care about what anyone else thinks. It's nice to celebrate, and it's nice to be happy. And not have the trauma and pain and heaviness bring you down on your special day. But if there's one thing I would love to do more often on my birthday... It's to have a large, three-tiered homemade birthday cake - vanilla/angel food flavored with vanilla flavored frosting with rainbow sprinkles - with birthday candles on it. And people would sing "happy birthday." And there would be enough to share with everyone... Maybe even having some birthday cupcakes for good measure, in case there are people who prefer cupcakes to cake. I would be so overjoyed if that happened to me more often! Because it's not just the cake that would make me happy, but it's the candles on top. I would get to make a birthday wish for my whole year, something that my heart truly desires. And it wouldn't be selfish at all. It would be my wish... And I would hold it in my heart to come true, no matter how unexpected or unpredictable it may be. So, I thought I could use this week's post to share with some of my deepest, most vulnerable wishes for my birthday this year. And in case you haven't figured out how many of those wishes I have from looking at the title... That's how many I want to share with all of you. Will they come true this year? Even I can't tell you that. But what I can tell you is how much I've been hoping and praying for these special wishes to come true for such a long time. And I hope you'll permit me to be a little bit, no, quite selfish... And let me dream big for a change. Because in two days, it's my birthday, and I have every right to dream big and wish even bigger.

What has been some of my deepest, most vulnerable wishes I always keep hoping for year after year on my birthday? Well, they can be related to my health, my career, my relationships, or anything entirely different. But they all would be something that I would love to have come true for me for at least one of my birthdays. And in some cases, they may have already come true, but I just haven't had the chance to see them come to full fruition as I'd like them to be. Because it's your birthday, and sometimes, you deserve to be a little spoiled and somewhat disappointed if things don't go your way. Life is like that sometimes, especially on your birthday. Nonetheless, these wishes have been on my mind and heart for quite some time, and I want to share them with you. Mind you, they are in no particular order on what wish is the most important, but they all carry some form of significance in my life. And I would love for them all to come true in time for my birthday... If not someday. Okay, ready? Here we go. 1. My own library with a comfy book nook and plenty of shelves to hold all of my books. 2. My depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and PTSD to be completely gone for good and I no longer have to take medicine. 3. An all-expense paid adventure through Europe, including some places I've always wanted to see, like the England, Netherlands, Poland, Germany, Denmark, Austria, Scotland, Ireland, France, Spain, and Italy.

4. Modeling eyeglasses, including some high-end brands like Chanel, Burberry, Prada, and Tiffany's.

5. An endless supply of well-made shoes - ballet flats, Mary Janes, sneakers, kitten heels, sandals, boots - in a size 10 AA, with plenty of Dr. Scholl's to keep my feet comfortable! Not only that, they won't hurt my feet or give me blisters, as size 10 shoes often do.

6. Archery classes so I can rediscover my inner Robin Hood.

7. A luxury, high-end gown that's made for me - helps support my curves, my bust and back, and makes me feel beautiful.

8. Attending a masquerade themed event, like a ball or a wedding, and having the opportunity to dance with someone and get to know them like in fairy tales.

9. The chance to fall in love the old fashioned way, like meeting at a bookstore, a coffee shop, or through mutual acquaintances. No online dating allowed!

10. A chance to be forgiven for all of my mistakes I've made over the years, and not feel like I have to grovel to get the people I've wronged back into my life just to stay on their good side.

11. A weeklong shopping spree at high quality stores in NYC, London, or Paris who also support the environment, good working conditions, and make you feel beautiful.

12. A bigger closet to fit all of my clothes, including all of my costumes and thrifting finds!

13. Winning an award for my acting and playwriting from a prestigious organization, like the Tonys or the Helen Hayes or even the Oscars.

14. 😎👍

15. A marriage proposal involving a glass slipper (if you know, you know.).
    

16. Not being shamed or treated differently just because I'm single and waiting for the right person to come into my life, and focusing on me for a change.

17. Writing a book or a book series for Disney Books, Scholastic, Hyperion, or Simon & Schuster. And making the NYT Bestseller list!
    

18. Performing in a principal role at a prominent/major regional theatre company, like The Public Theatre in NYC, American Repertory Theater in Cambridge, Berkley Repertory Theatre in Berkley, Goodman Theatre in Chicago, the Old Globe Theatre in San Diego, Steppenwolf Theatre in Chicago, or even Arena Stage in Washington, DC, on an Equity contract in a safe environment with no trauma bonding allowed.
    

19. Performing in a musical where I DON'T have to dance! (I'm not a dancer, I'm a mover! Casting directors, choreographers, directors, producers, please use me anyway!)

20. Opportunities to catch up with friends over tea in a cafe or coffee shop on a weekly basis (preferably British themed, but as long as it's cozy and friendly, I'm happy!).

21. Attending an opening night party as a member of the cast in a designer-type gown, and feeling the love and support from the cast & crew, and actually feeling good about all of the hard work we've all poured into this project.

22. Going to a wedding celebration of a different culture, and being able to wear the outfits customary to the country represented, and enjoying the food and dancing, and not being shamed or pitied for attending the wedding as a single woman.

23. Being celebrated for all of my accomplishments, no matter how small they are, as a single woman on the same level as marriages, new babies, and buying a new house.

24. Traveling to all 50 states and international countries to eat at the restaurants Guy Fieri traveled to on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives.

25. Going to the opera (it's true - I've never been to the opera!) in an elegant evening gown, with wonderful seats, a magnificent story, and some classy opera glasses to get the best view possible from my seat.

26. Making enough money to where I'm comfortable, even satisfied, with my bills being paid, having plenty of food to eat, a roof over my head, and not having to stress over just getting by every week just to survive.

27. Being a singer without having to hit all of the high notes, embellishing or riffing the melody like Whitney Houston or Beyonce, and doing what makes me happy, even if it's against what's trending currently in the world of music.

28. Having a whole year where I don't get hit on, catcalled, or even stared by creepy old men or men half my age or the same age as I am who aren't mentally or emotionally available for a relationship, let alone a deep, meaningful conversation.

29. Doing a voiceover in a major animated film for Disney, and in a principal role with stories story coming from what I grew up with in the 90s and 2000s, including the classics!

30. Making my Broadway or West End debut in a play or musical (once again, I don't want to be the one dancing!) and having a healthy work-life balance where health and wellbeing take prominence, not the bottom line and how expendable I am in the industry.

31. Having one year where I don't have the weight of the world on my shoulders for 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

32. Doing a photoshoot in an outfit from another era (1950s, Regency, Renaissance, etc.) on location in a historic venue.

33. Being at peace with the people who have left my life, as well as the people I've had to let go for my own peace and sanity, and not experiencing PTSD every time I think about them or wondering if I should beg them to come back just to make things right again.

34. Creating and/or performing in a TV series that mixes NYC, fashion, Robin Hood, witchcraft, and magic in a wonderful story that is not heavily dark or edgy. There is an ensemble of women who uplift, challenge, and encourage each other because there's already more than enough shows where all women are not being vessels of encouragement and are content to tear each other down instead of lifting each other up. There would be opportunities to travel between worlds - one that is a Renaissance Faire themed land, another that is based in the Middle East with plenty of magic and mystery, and even another one that is filled with fairies and mermaids. And the ensemble of women wouldn't be all in their 20s, but they would be in their 30s-40s, and not all of them being wives or mothers. It would feel cozy, hopeful, and - dare I say it? - spellbinding. Did I mention that this version of NYC is not like our current NYC, but has a little bit more of Old World Charm mixed in, and everything is a lot cleaner, and everyone is a bit nicer? And did I also mention that the fashion would be in good taste, with hints of whimsy and simplicity mixed into their outfits (no bulging breasts or ripped pieces of clothing allowed?)? And did I also mention that the female ensemble would each have an opportunity to have a fashion montage moment set to "Vogue" by Madonna?

35. Creating a fundraiser or charity that allows students of color and students from underrepresented communities the opportunity to study abroad in another country on a full ride scholarship. Everything would be covered - the airfare, lodging, food, transportation to and from the classroom and dormitory, and there would be mental health specialists and therapists on site specifically for these students to help them navigate the new country safely and without judgment.

36. Having one year where I can walk outside my door and go about my day without being afraid to even walk outside my door, get hit by a car, being judged by some black people for not being "black" enough, getting funny looks for my glasses or my colorful outfits, and just being able to enjoy my days walking outside in the sunshine, shopping, reading a book, eating a nice meal, or even being outside at night and just feeling safe.

37. Having one year where I don't have to please everyone anymore. I am just happy to pour into my own cup for once, and I am okay with saying no to things and people just to do what's right for me. I don't have to prove or create anything just to get my foot in the door or even simply get work because I already know and believe that what I have is enough. I don't have to fix myself anymore or overdo it because of how many things I fixed that should never have been fixed by me, especially if it's myself. I am content with who I am, and I am gracious with myself in my mistakes & not being shamed, and I am at peace with where I am right now and learn to accept the things I can control, and the wisdom to know the difference between what I can and cannot control.

38. Not having to remind everyone that my birthday is coming up every single year like a historian, just so that I can be sure people remember that I would like to be loved, acknowledged, noticed, or even seen on my special day like they all do on their birthdays. Because my birthday means so much to me, and I know what it's like to be overlooked and forgotten and hurt on your special day. And that I don't have to live through my fifth grade self not being wished by a single classmate or teacher on my birthday, and I don't want anyone else to go through that experience like I did.

How's that for a birthday list? If you could have that properly gift wrapped with a pretty bow on top, I would really appreciate it! (This week is a little bit fun, a little bit sweet, and whole lot of vulnerable. It's been quite the experience putting my deepest, most unspoken wishes onto a blog post like this, and I hope it's giving you some ideas of what you would like to see come true for your own birthdays. But make no mistake - even though they are my birthday wishes, they are still my observations and experiences, and you are welcome to disagree on anything and everything I've said in this post or previous posts. However, one wish that I would love to see come true is how we treat each other better, and that includes no offensive language, divisive words, or hate speech that's meant to harm and divide us further. We shouldn't be afraid of our differences, let alone use them to harm one another. If you can't do a simple thing like being kind to one another in the form of agreeing to disagree, I will block you.)

In a perfect world, my 38 wishes I've listed would come true in a heartbeat, and I would be the happiest of people to know how much I was loved and appreciated enough to believe that my wishes have the power to come true. But, alas. We don't live in a perfect world, and there are constant reminders of how truly broken and imperfect this world can be. Selfishness, anger, pain, sadness, depression, inconsiderate people, division, jealousy, bitterness, and hate are running rampant these days, and it's bringing out the worst in people. Including on some of the happiest days of their lives, like their birthdays.

A lot of my wishes are wishful thinking, where I could just live in that perfect world where there is no hate, greed, inconsiderate people, mentally & emotionally unavailable human beings, jealousy, bitterness, and pain. Everyone would be kind to each other without question, and all people can help without any fear of saying no or being taken advantage of. Or at least helping people learn to help themselves first so that they can return the favor in a positive way that doesn't harm their relationship. And birthdays? Well, they would truly be worth celebrating because of your deepest desires from your heart, even the most vulnerable of wishes, can come true because of how much they mean to you. Whether that's taking care of your inner child or loving your adult self with childlike wonder, birthday wishes should be able to come true in a positive, profound, and heartfelt way that should never be taken away from you. As I get ready to do what I love to do on my special day, I'm deeply grateful for what these 38 years have taught me, especially in the past year where I've done so much growing, learning, unlearning, healing, forgiving, and loving myself than I've ever done. Obviously, some of the biggest things I'm grateful for is how much I'm loving myself first and doing what's right for me, even if it's the hardest thing for me to do. Pouring from an empty cup for so long has done a terrible job on my mental and emotional stability, and while there's still a long way to go, I'm so happy and relieved by my progress so far. Still, I may not be giving myself enough credit like I should be, but I am proud of myself for all I've accomplished nonetheless. And the fact that I've focused on myself first and what my deepest birthday wishes are - all coming from ME, no one else - is a big first step. Not to mention allowing myself to be a little bit selfish and letting myself dream big because of how much of a dreamer I am... And also how tough and soft I am. The world already has enough rough and cynical people in it, and the last thing I want to do is to become a cynic and let my heart become hardened and bitter. I'm happy being a soft person, and I'm happy being able to feel all of the emotions because I care. But I'm even more happy loving myself first and making sure I can find the strength and resilience to continue to be a soft soul in a world that has gone so cold and hard, but also remain tough enough to go through even the most trying of circumstances. With all of these discoveries in the past year, that's certainly worth celebrating on my birthday... And all the more reason why I'll keep fighting to make my birthday wishes come true, even if it takes the rest of my life. Even if it's the simple act of believing in the power of my dreams and allowing myself to dream big. It's okay to dream big, but also take practical steps to make those dreams and wishes come true, even if it's small steps. Dreams can come true, and they should come true... If we only have the courage to pursue them. Be courageous for yourselves on your birthday this year. That's how I'm heading into 38 years young. Have courage and be kind... And happy birthday to me!