Don't Hang Out with Chickens!!!!!!!

Relax. This week's blog title isn't going to talk about what you think it is... Really, it's not! In fact, the inspiration for this week's blog post came from a rather interesting quote I discovered:

This will all make sense by the end of this post... I promise. In life, we are prone to making mistakes, no matter how small it may seem. And in life, we are prone to do either one of two things: We could either learn from our mistakes and take the opportunity to do better and be kind to ourselves, as well as to each other... Or we could blame someone else for our mistakes and not take responsibility for what we've done, let alone learn from them, and continue to be jerks to everyone around us. I feel like these days whenever someone makes a mistake and it gets lambasted on social media or the news, you have no choice BUT to own up to it. So, why do people continue to deny what was recorded, quoted, or even shared in a video, picture, or something else that could force people to take responsibility for what they've done wrong, and make attempts to be a better person? Well... Some people just don't know what it means to be responsible. For those with prestige and money and clout, responsibility for their actions means apologizing only because they got caught, but not being remorseful or doing anything to make amends. Their words are hollow, without feeling, and full of lifeless promises. Anything that can keep their sponsors, supporters, and endless fans in their corner to continue to support their success. Or it could mean denying what happened, even though there was viable proof online and in audio recordings. "That's not true! They're just trying to tarnish my name and force me to quit!" They do anything and everything to shut people up, just so they can continue to keep doing their harmful actions. Or it could mean shifting the blame and responsibility to someone else - AKA finding a scapegoat for all the problems in the world or in their community, even though it was never their fault to begin with. I think there's a famous quote that sums this up perfectly: "The only way to bring folks together is to give them a real good enemy." Sound familiar? Let's face it: It's hard to hold yourself responsible for the mistakes you've made, no matter how minuscule they are. And I think I know the reason why (or at least I think I do). Do you remember when you were in school and you got called on to spell a word, read a very difficult word, or solve a mathematical problem? And you got the answer wrong? In front of your classmates and your teachers? What do you think happens next? All the students may have laughed at you. The teacher may have probably made an example of you, and not in a good way. You have been singled out by everyone in your class for making a mistake, and you feel all of the eyes on YOU - full of the sounds of malicious laughter, a teacher pointing out what you did wrong, and you start to feel that sinking feeling in your stomach. YOU made a mistake, so YOU are the problem. And YOU are the reason for that mistake. And it hurts like HELL. First of all, that is not always the case in many schools these days. I'd like to hold onto to hope that there are more teachers and tutors out there who are able to help out the students with their mistakes in order to help them get better and excel in their classes... With gentleness, empathy, kindness, and belief in that student's ability to do well. But for many of us growing up, there's always that one rotten teacher or that really bad class you hate to go to because of you being singled out for the mistakes or being put on the spot to do something hard. And when you do something wrong, you were the one singled out, and everyone knows about it. Even to the point of being made fun of in the hallways or everywhere you go. Being singled out is no fun whatsoever. It can be torture. And it's especially bad when you get singled out every chance you get whenever you make a mistake, even those that aren't your fault. It hurts... And no one wants to be hurt. There are people who want to hurt other people, but they themselves don't want to be hurt at all for all of the mistakes they've made. Maybe their fear and repulsion of getting hurt is why so many people are afraid to take responsibility. And it's not just because of having to correct all of the mistakes... But all of the feelings that come with being responsible. And they're not all that pleasant. 😎👍g, and what you deserve. And more often than not, it's more than just hanging around with a bunch of chickens.

Somehow, hanging around with chickens seems to be the norm these days. I guess that's why so many of us are running around like chickens with their heads cut off. So much worrying, so much stress, so much of our backs being pushed up against the wall, so much uncertainty, so much frying... (Oh, poor choice of words for all the chickens out there.) It's easy to be caught up in everything being ablaze without much time for calm and collected heads siphoning out what's true and what isn't. Believe me, that has been the case for me for much of this summer. There's been a LOT happening to me behind the scenes, and much of the time, I have run around like a chicken with my head cut off, even as organized and a huge multitasker that I am. And when that happens, you tend to do something that you never thought you could see yourself doing again: And that's falling back into old habits. Even the ones that were harmful to you and to your loved ones.

Going back into the chicken coop where it's safe, as it were. So, why do we revert back into old habits and behaviors, despite how much it harmed us and possibly destroyed relationships? Well, there are two reasons, and both seem plausible. The first one is more commonplace these days. When there's so much madness and negativity going around in the world, including wars, famine, natural disasters, and gridlock, we tend to go back to what is comfortable because of the assurance that all will be well. In fact, there's a report that says that many people often go back to watching classic films and reruns of beloved shows over and over again because they know exactly how the story ends, and they can find comfort in memorizing the whole plot and knowing that all will be fine. We go towards what's familiar in order to escape what's unfamiliar, strange, or just plain difficult in our lives. Some of the most beloved stories may have been on repeat for you because you know how each story ends, and being surrounded by what you know and what comforts you can be just as much of a healing factor for your nervous system at the end of the day when everything seems unfamiliar and out of place. Watching repeats of Gilmore Girls, Friends, The Golden Girls, or even The West Wing seems to be a great self-care tool after a long, hard day of going into unfamiliar territory. Or even watching movies like Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella, Anastasia, or Tangled can be a great source of comfort for coming back to what you know and love. Dealing with change and unknown territory is hard, and it doesn't make sense much of the time. And it also forces you to feel new and strange emotions that you've never felt before, and that can be a lot. Which brings me to my second idea as to why we return to our old habits and behaviors. And it all comes down to one word: ACCOUNTABILITY. What does that word mean, anyway? Well, according to Merriam Webster's dictionary, accountability is the quality or state of being accountable, which in term means subject to giving an account, or capable of being explained. The core words to remember when you see or hear the word accountability is OWNERSHIP, ANSWERABILITY, and NO EXCUSES. You hold yourself accountable when you've been given a task and the final outcome, and you do everything you can to successfully complete the task, no matter how much work it takes. And you also make sure you own up to the errors that have been made in the process. You hold yourself accountable when you are asked to explain your choices and decisions to others. And not only do you explain, you are ready to explain, without any lying or false pretenses. You follow the rules and answer to the public about your choices and what you did, no matter what the consequences are. You hold yourself accountable when you admit your mistakes to others instead of looking for a scapeboat to blame for what happened. You take stock of your own problems and issues and how you've hurt others or broken a rule, and make every effort to not make that same mistake again. Sounds easy, right? Well... Accountability is anything BUT easy. Because it all reverts back to when you were in school and you were singled out to solve a problem or spell the word correctly or read a difficult word. And when you get it wrong, it can hurt. Especially when your classmates all laugh at you. Accountability is like that sometimes, at least in my experience. There's a lot of feelings that come up when you hold yourself accountable for past actions, beliefs, and behaviors that you thought protected you and made you feel safe. But in reality, it was the exact opposite. But when you realize that you've broken a promise to do something, not complete a task, hurt someone else's feelings or self, or even follow the rules... And you keep on doing that repeatedly... That's when it becomes a problem. You can lose the trust of your colleagues, peers, and superiors. You might not be able to get any work. You can lose valuable relationships, even the ones that challenge you and inspire you to be the best person you can be. You can lose the respect of your constituents and people in office who looked to you for your leadership and guidance. You can get singled out for doing the wrong thing over and over again, and the laughing, the jeers, and the losses will never end. And when you experience people calling you out - even lovingly and gently - on your behavior and your lack of effort to change or simply following through on finishing a task, you tend to get defensive. You play the victim. And you feel like you're that little kid in school being singled out for doing something wrong, and all of the eyes are on you because they knew that you did something wrong, and you feel uncomfortable about it. Nobody likes being singled out for what they did, what they're wearing, or even who they are as a person. It's like you're being judged in a way. Yeah, that's it. You're being JUDGED for what you did and how you did it and why you did it. And being judged for doing behaviors and habits that are more trouble than what it's worth can be a lot for some people, if not all of them. Nobody likes being judged... Even to the point of going into the very center of your being, and realizing that the problem isn't others. It's you. And only you have the power to change the habits and beliefs that you've carried for a long time, so that you can not only do better, but also do better and not make the same mistake again. To me, accountability is sort of like swallowing something so hard that it makes you so uncomfortable and scared. You start to tense up. You tend to overreact and even get a little bit emotional. You may even have a tendency to shut down and not think clearly. You start to feel this sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. And what's worse? You can't get out of it. You knew what you did was wrong, and sooner or later, it would catch up with you. And not in the most pleasant of ways, mind you. The truth will out. It always does. And when that happens, prepare to feel all of the rough feelings and uncomfortable sensations it brings when you're being singled out to hold yourself accountable for what you've done, and what you didn't do. You can't get yourself out of it this time. You can't take back what was done. You can't even repair the relationships, if they are beyond salvageable at this point. And you most certainly shouldn't try to find someone or something else to blame, when you had control over your actions and your decisions. You just chose to act out of selfishness, jealously, anger, or even fear. But here's one thing to remember as you hold yourself accountable: As hard as it is, there are people out there who are more forgiving and understanding than you realize. And won't shame you or nitpick you for what you've done. There are good people out there who understand that some of the choices you've made or things you've done or didn't do came from a place of fear. An important reminder to everyone who is reading this post is that we ALL make mistakes, and we ALL have to hold ourselves accountable for what we've done or didn't do. We need to give each other grace, even now, because we're all human and we're trying our best to survive out there. And we have to give each other grace, too. I get it - You have the difficult conversation, the singled-out, the tone of voice, and reactions replaying constantly in your mind and you wish so badly that you can change it just so you won't feel bad or ashamed anymore. You just don't want to feel hurt, and I get that. Hurting at all is not something you want to mess around with. And it's especially bad when you're put on the spot to own up for what you've done. But look at it this way, at least you're getting through the uncomfortable feelings of what you've done and being singled out just so you can start the path of hopefully doing better next day. Preferably, you would've learned your lesson and won't do it again. You won't fall back into old habits or behaviors. You won't slack off your duties like you did before. You won't harm others and the relationships you've built. You won't try to find someone or something else to blame like you did before. Because you took the time and the opportunity to learn from this experience, and getting caught. But you are also owning up to your own flaws, fears, and more that make you feel just so damn uncomfortable every time you hold yourself accountable. Here's a question I'd like to ask you: Would you rather continue to hang out with chickens and not own up to your actions, responsibilities, and commitments? And from there, you continue to squawk and wander aimlessly and without responsibilities? And continue to be around other chickens with no sense of direction and running around like... a chicken with its head cut off? Or... Would you like to hang out with a different set of birds? Say, eagles, maybe? (I try to bring in a little bit of humor to an otherwise painfully true experience we all go through, and it's great to find that inspiration from some of the most interesting things I discover online for preparation for writing this week's post. As unique as this is, these are still my observations and thoughts on what is going on around me and in my life. You are more than welcome to disagree on anything and everything I've said in this post and previous posts. We are all human beings, and we should be allowed to think for ourselves, and learn experiences in our own way. However, what I won't tolerate is any form of divisive language, hate speech, or offensive commentary that's meant to harm one another. We all need to learn to live with each other in this world, no matter where we come from or how different we all are. Differences can be beautiful! If you can't do a simple thing like accepting different opinions respectfully, I will block you.)

To me, accountability can be a tough pill to swallow at times. Not just because of how much I have to own up to my own mistakes and short comings, but because of how much I make myself the victim just to get pity from others. And that can be dangerous. For people who have been in traumatic relationships or households or experiences, it is very natural to put yourself as the victim to deflect the pain and the blame. It's not out of rejecting our responsibilities. But it's moreso out of fear. And even learned behavior. Because we were taught to accept so much of the blame, the pain, the humiliation, the responsibilities, and the burden of it all. And sometimes the lines between accountability and simply taking on too much are blurred. Accountability doesn't mean that you necessarily blame yourself for everything that went wrong, even the things that aren't in your control. But it does mean that you own up to what you did, and didn't do. And it also means that you own up to the learned behaviors from the trauma and find a way to move forward with grace, humility, and loving yourself. Not everything has to be fixed by you. You don't have to repair every single thing, even in the form of keeping the people you love in your lives. Nor does it mean you have to carry the burden of shame after so many years of being blamed for what was not your responsibility. What it does mean is that you have to make a concrete and consistent effort to own up to the learned behaviors, make every step forward a way that heals you and awakens your life away from the trauma, and ensuring that you give yourself grace when you do fall back into old habits. A whole year of holding yourself accountable can be quite a heavy burden to carry, and it's so easy to loosen your grip and fall back into old habits. You think that you won't get caught, or people won't notice. But as I stated earlier, the truth will out. It always does. And sometimes, the only one who get yourself out of the mess you're in... Is yourself. However, that doesn't mean you beat yourself up over your mistakes and rush to fix everything because you have to. Or you think you have to. We all make mistakes, and times are hard right now, and everybody is on fire with their emotions and situations. So we forget to think clearly and even with love. We all forget to be kind and understanding to one another. It is okay to let go of the shame and the burdens you've carried all these years. You are NOT your trauma, and you are NOT your mistakes. It's perfectly normal to let go of them every single day, until it eventually gets easier. That's what I've been doing lately. But it is still your responsibility to communicate with others on what happened, how you are unlearning from the trauma, and how you can move forward. No being the victim allowed. You'll be surprised at how many people can understand that you're going through a lot unlearning so much trouble. But the bigger surprise is how many people you will end up losing if you fall back into the habits and behaviors simply because it's all you know and can protect you. Take it from someone who knows this all too well - It won't. Soaring with the eagles is a scary thing for me these days. Because it is teaching me the valuable importance of having faith in myself and believing that I am capable of so much. And a huge part of being with eagles is working on my own issues and unlearning certain behaviors and habits. Not only that, but owning up that some of what I've done in the past harmed myself and others, and make every concrete effort to change. Forgive. Heal. And let go. Because if I really want to soar higher than ever before... I need to work on myself and let go of what no longer serves me, habits and behaviors included. But I also need to remember this: Self-love and self-grace are always part of the equation of soaring high with the eagles. Looking forward to soaring high with the eagles this year...