Different Boats, Same Storm

So... Last week marked my official tenth anniversary as a professional actor, and I had every intention of celebrating this momentous occasion. And I did, in some way. However, things didn't quite go as plan. Somehow, our home had some repairing and fixing up that had to be taken care of (especially in the case of our local county inspector), and I would often come home to some rather unexpected changes that caught me off guard last week. Especially when the contractors came unannounced shortly after I finished a workout and was about to head into more strength training. Then, I had barely ten minutes to wash up, put on some clothes, and head out of the apartment with my backpack for the next three hours. Grrr... You can imagine how stressed I was with all of the unexpectedness of it all. And you can also see how relieved I was when things were substantially quieter this past weekend. I guess I deserved a little bit of quiet after all of the noise. You know what else I also deserve? How about some good news? Including some more auditions and possibly role offers? I don't know about you out there, but I feel like these past few months have been a little bit more challenging for me in my career. I came into the year all hopeful and determined to make it my best year yet, with all of the projects and roles I will book, working hard on my craft every week, signing up for voice lessons again, having spreadsheets to track down everything I've done, and just doing things differently than I've ever done before. But now, it's more than halfway through March, and there's a part of me that feels, well... Weary. But it's not from all of the auditions I've been going on (though it can definitely feel cumbersome going to as many auditions as I can on a weekly basis). It's actually from something else that has caught me off guard. My weariness is actually from the lack of results from these auditions, as well as a little bit of apprehension thrown in for good measure. You see, when you enter into a new milestone or new chapter, there's bound to be changes that have to be made in order to up your game or receive all of the blessings and good news you deserve. For me, it's the consistent weekly lessons in acting and voice. It's the tracking of all of the auditions and callbacks and role offers on the spreadsheets. It's being extremely selective in what I go out for, and sometimes that means cutting out a huge chunk of opportunities that helped you get to this place. It's all the inner work to do in order to be stronger mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. It's looking at the finances and seeing what changes need to be made in order to stay afloat and be stable, and not just get by. It's putting the headshots and resumes out to people and places that one hasn't been able to submit to before in order to widen the pool of opportunities. It's doing a lot of work physically in order to be strong and possibly agile enough to race from auditions, rehearsals, and performances, while also being well-nourished to keep up the strength of doing it all. It's establishing values and standards that can help you decide what opportunities to submit to, and how to best advocate for the things that can help me grow and thrive the best. There's a lot of things to be done in this new chapter of my life, and while I'm doing all of the work and all of the hard things that frighten me... It hasn't actually produced the fruit that I'm hoping for. In fact, around this time, I would more than likely be in rehearsals for my first project of the year, if not in tech week leading up to performances. Right now, for the first time in who knows how long, I'm in a bit of a dry spell. How long of a dry spell, you ask? Well, when you don't include the staged readings, the limited performance runs, the cabarets, and the virtual projects, it comes to about to...

442 days. You read that right. It's been 442 days since I was in a full theatre production, which includes the in-person or hybrid rehearsals, blocking, stumble throughs, character development, hell week - er, tech week, final dress rehearsals, opening night, and a full performance run leading up to closing. Somehow, it's not for my lack of trying. Believe me, I'm trying very hard to book my next full theatre production right now. I guess that's why from January through late April/early May it's called audition season. For those of you who don't know what the heck I'm talking about, it's where all of the major professional theatre companies, smaller professional theatre companies, theme parks, cruise ships, and more hold their audition calls for actors and stage managers and creatives to come to be a part of the upcoming theatre season or specific productions for the performance year. Generally, a season doesn't start at the top of the year. It actually starts in September and runs through May or early June, just in time for summer camps to start at the theatre companies or organizations that offer them to children. So, from the start of the year through May/early June, hopeful actors, stage managers, and creatives line up inside or outside the theatre or audition location in hopes of being seen by the casting team and possibly being considered for their upcoming productions. Maybe even called back if a show has not been fully cast yet. And even if it has been cast, it gives artists and creatives a chance to show off their work for the casting team to possibly use them for future projects and shows somewhere down the road. Much of these auditions are known as Equity Principal Auditions (EPA), Equity Chorus Calls (ECC), non-union open calls, or open calls where everyone, regardless of union status, can audition for the opportunity to be seen by the casting team for a chance to be considered for their shows and projects. Or even be kept in mind for future projects and shows. It's this never ending cycle of polishing your headshots, monologues, self-tapes, resumes, outfits (yes, outfits do matter in auditions), and connections in order to hopefully get your foot in the door. That this year could FINALLY be the year that things change. The one contract or role could change your life and finally get you the success that you've longed for. all your life. Sometimes, it may just be the year that you finally get the opportunity you wanted that could change everything. But for most of us, it always seems to be the same thing year after year: We audition for what seems like thousands of projects, get a minimal amount of callbacks, and then we end up with less than what we deserve. And that generally means not booking the shows we want to be a part of. Or, in some small cases, we do get to book the shows and the organizations we want to work with, and that can be due to connections. AKA the theatre team or director or somebody knowing how we work and how well we can work in rehearsals and performances. That's sometimes known as pre-casting, even while auditions are going on. And that can be extremely unfair to a lot of artists who are consistently trying to get in... but that's another discussion for another day. Or, if we do book the roles, it may not be what we hope for. On the surface, the show is a smash success, with all of the rave reviews and accolades. But behind the scenes, it may be an actual dumpster fire. Lack of communication, poor treatment from the more executive team members or even some cast members, or something entirely different may make this one opportunity a chance to wish you never got involved in. Even if it does propel you to something else that's hopefully a million times better than you've booked. But you see my drift about audition season, right? It's like a cycle that just doesn't seem to stop with each passing year, and it tends to get more complicated and more challenging with each tick of the clock. A lot of it involves things that are just out of our control... Or maybe some of it is just us deciding to up our game, and we are being pushed into doing more challenging things, no matter how painful and uncomfortable it may seem. That seems to be the theme of this year's audition season. You often have heard that each audition season is crazier than the last. But this year... Whoo. It's a doozy. And it's not just me who feels this way. It's practically all of us, even those who are booking the big shows and roles. Somehow, this picture comes to mind when I think about this audition season in particular:

And being in this storm is making feel quite...

Yeah. Not a good feeling. I hope you have some Dramamine with you, or at least some saltine crackers. Let's dive into this stormy weather together. It's no secret that there's been quite a bit of changes in our world lately. There's a war going on in the Iran, a major sewage spill in my area that's causing a bit of fear and apprehension, extremely high inflation, long lines at airports due to TSAs walking off the job from not being paid, a beloved government institution being torn down to make room for a bloody ballroom, increasing levels of antisemitism, racism, sexism, and xenophobia, and not to mention a gorge of a political divide that makes the Grand Canyon look small. But in terms of the arts... Well, there's been some changes in my corner of the world as well. The Kennedy Center has been taken over by a group of people who don't seem to care about what it stands for (which is the arts for EVERYONE, no matter what side of the aisle you're on), and is now going to shut down for two years, costing hundreds of people their jobs, not to mention the loss of new, original works being developed. Then there's the loss of government funding from the National Endowment of the Arts (NEA) due to some drastic adjustments that align with the current state of political leadership, which is causing theater companies and organizations to either kowtow to their demands in order to keep their doors open or plow ahead in defiance and find other means of funding to keep creating the art and programming that aligns with their mission. And then there's many shows and projects using smaller casts to save on money, sometimes not going as far as using understudies (which is a big mistake given how illnesses are still floating around and working principal actors the bone is slightly overkill) at all. And then there's Actors Equity: you may recall that back in 2021 they announced the Open Access program, which gives more opportunities for professional actors to join the union with proof of being involved in a professional project, usually being paid. While that takes away the need for gatekeeping at many theatre companies - I'm all for that - it has caused more problems than the union seems to realize. For starters, auditions have grown increasingly saturated with more union actors attending the EPAs and ECCs, which has led to many union actors and EMC actors not being seen in the auditions they would normally get seen at. Speaking of EMC... The Equity Membership Candidate program started as a way to allow actors to gather points as a pathway to join the union, mostly working as understudies and swings in Equity productions with major theatre companies and organizations (sometimes smaller ones if the contract can allow for that). Originally, you needed 50 points, or 50 weeks - not consecutively - in order to be eligible to join the union. Up until now, it was reduced to 25 weeks. Of course, that led to more crowded auditions at Equity theatre houses and organizations, and a ton of complaints. Well, on 08 May 2026, that is soon to change. Because the EMC program will be terminated permanently, and anyone who is still an EMC member will no longer be an EMC member. That's because of the Open Access program guaranteeing membership for anyone who signs up to join and proves that they've worked on a professional show or project. And it now renders the EMC program... Obsolete. So now, EMC members have a difficult choice to make: They can either join the union through the Open Access program... Or be relegated to being non-union. As you can imagine, there's a HUGE debate on social media about these recent changes from current and former Equity members. The idea that members can essentially buy their way into the union makes the actual hard work of joining through years of training and hustling is, well... A slap in the face. At least according to some members. But then there's the argument that there shouldn't be anymore gatekeeping and the power to join rests on the actors and stage managers themselves and not on the producers or casting team. That idea is, well... Understandable. At least according to some members. And then there's the consternation that some people who joined the union after receiving only one paid job opportunity and then calling themselves professional actors. That idea is, well... Befuddling. And infuriating. At least according to some members. But then there's also the frustrations over how crowded the audition rooms have gotten lately, where people who would normally be able to get seen haven't been able to get seen at all, and then there's still people breaking all of the rules to actually get seen, not caring about the rules in place. Nor caring about that some roles that are specifically written for a specific race or culture are not actually worth attending auditions for. That idea is, well... Eye-opening. At least according to yours truly. And even still, there are still the problems of not enough union talent being cast in roles due to the number of contracts available and rapidly shrinking because of not having enough money to cover the costs due to lack of funding available, not to mention more and more producers and casting teams relying more and more on performers with connections that can help bring in the audiences and the money and the acclaim the theatre so desperately needs. And that the blame doesn't rest in the union, but in the producers and the casting teams. That idea is, well... Maddening. At least according to yours truly. Needless to say, there's quite a bit of discussions and debates and slings and arrows being thrown at each other and bloody hells going on that can make your head spin... It's certainly the case for yours truly. All I've been able to do is observe and not engage. Because as much as I can offer my experiences and observations, I don't feel like I can offer anything else to the debates and discussions and slings and arrows being thrown at each other and bloody hells going on right now. There's a part of me that wonders if I can actually heard over the din. But then there's a part of me that questions if it's still worth it to pursue this career in a severely broken industry... One that doesn't seem to want to take drastic action to make changes that reflect the current needs, trends, and safety that so many of us want and need right now. Things that we've been saying for years that needs to be taken into account and addressed and actually lead to concrete action right now. No more excuses allowed. It's infuriating to think that we've been shouting into a void... Or, if we are being heard, it comes at the cost of our careers and livelihoods. Or maybe, as someone put it recently, many people just aren't aware that we've been saying these things for years, or even don't know how to process the information or what exact steps are needed to take to deal with the problems being talked about for years. Whatever the reason is, it's clear that's it has been a very frustrating time to not be heard or even taken seriously. Do you see why I'm feeling seasick right now? It's a lot to take in... And all the while I'm just trying to keep going and do what I love to do every single day. But that makes me feel terrible. There's quite a few people out there who often wonder why we keep on creating art or auditioning or updating our materials or doing anything related to the arts at all, especially when so much of our world is experiencing, for lack of a better word... A dumpster fire right now. There's just so much confusion, indecency, anger, grief, fear, and resignation running rampant right now. And to be able to keep on doing this crazy thing called acting & writing kind of feels... Absurd. I shouldn't be doing this right now. I should be doing one of two things: One, I should make a bomb shelter and prepare for the end of the world. Or, join the resistance a la Star Wars and fight the Empire. I shouldn't be doing anything related to art right now. Just like you shouldn't be doing anything related to being a doctor right now. Or a lawyer. Or a counselor. Or a receptionist. Or a plumber. Or a photographer. Or a journalist. Or a writer. Or a data analyst. Or a teacher. Or a chef. Or a police officer. Or a mechanic. Or a farmer. Or a fashion designer. Or an illustrator. Or a radio host. Or a musician. Or a fitness instructor. Or any of those things right now. And yet... That's exactly what we're all doing right now, or at least trying to do. Because like it or not, life still goes on. And there are people out there who need good doctors, lawyers, counselors, receptionists, plumbers, photographers, journalists, writers, data analysts, teachers, chefs, police officers, mechanics, farmers, fashion designers, illustrators, radio hosts, musicians, fitness instructors, and more of the occupations out there that make our world go round. There's still a need for things to get fixed, or discussed, or find a way forward in the midst of this muddle of a mess we're in right now. (Obviously you can use more colorful terms here, but I leave that to your own evil devices.) And it's the same with the arts. There's still a need for theatre, ballet, opera, visual art, concerts, exhibitions, and more. Especially contrary to what Timothee Chalamet said recently. (Don't think I didn't notice that!) And there's still a need for stories to be told and shared with others in the community, even more so now than ever before. We're seeing a substantial growth in storytellers and creatives sharing their experiences and exposures to the world through their eyes, and by doing so, allowing those who haven't been seen in a way that isn't stereotypical or demeaning to be seen as a way to uplift and inspire the next generation to keep creating art and telling more stories... Stories that actually matter. And where there's stories... There's also a need for actors. And directors. And writers. And costume designers. And stage managers. And production managers. And carpenters. And painters. And scenic designers. And choreographers. And music directors. And so much more that's within the realm of storytelling being brought to life. While it may seem overwhelming and stressful right now in an uncertain and unpredictable time, the one constant is that the arts still matter. And the need for creative forces and geniuses and novices and everything in between has never been greater. (Whew! This has been quite the post to share from my experience, but that's just it. My blogs are coming from MY experiences and observations, as well as observing what others are talking about and learning to look within my own life to see how it relates to my posts. You are welcome to disagree with anything and everything I've said in this week's post, as well as previous posts. What I will not tolerate, however, is an offensive language, hate speech, and derogatory words that harm one another. We have to learn to set aside our differences and appreciate what makes us unique, especially since we're not all the same. If you can't do a simple thing like that, I will block you.)

Going back to this week's theme about storms, it's clear that we're all in the midst of one of the biggest storms of our lives. Some of us are sailing on expensive yachts. Some of us are cruising along in our schooners. Some of us are rowing down the river in our row boats or riverboats. Some of us are canoeing through the winding curves of rivers and streams. And some of us are barely handing on... with a plank to keep us afloat. We may not have the same boat to get us through the storms, but we're all going through it. And somehow, we're learning how to sail and navigate our lives in the boats we have, no matter how massive or small it may be. Obviously, given the nature of the climate right now, it's proving to be anything but smooth right now. Hence the need for Dramamine to keep us from getting seasick. But there may be something greater than Dramamine that might help us these turbulent waters: BREATHING. Sometimes, we just have to stop and be still for a moment in order to regain our footing. Even if you don't have all of the answers right now and you're just going through the storm just as befuddled and loss as when you started, it's still important to just breathe. And allow yourself to feel all of the emotions without judgment or apprehension. And surround yourself with like minded individuals who may understand remotely what you're going through, and can offer support. Even if it's just prayer from a distance, that can be enough in cases like this. Even when you're doing all of the right things, it can feel like you're never going to get out of the storm, let alone the fog, and see the end of this. There's going to be quite a bit of doubting, fear, outrage, frustration, and just plain sadness over everything that's going on. And that's ok! Not every journey along the rivers or the oceans or streams or rivulets is going to be turbulent all the time, nor is it going to be smooth. I think the most important thing as we're learning to navigate through this storm is to give yourself grace, and make sure that your needs are being taken care of, even more than everyone else's. It's something I need to be constantly reminded of every chance I get... Because I'm going through so much change and transformation and evolving and reckoning and surrendering and storms right now. I guess that's what happens when you decide to elevate yourself. For the first time in my life, I'm learning how to sail my own ship and chart my own course. After so many years of allowing others to do it for me and not put my journey in my own hands and listen to my own voice... It's scary as hell. Of course, my body is letting me know when I need to slow down after being high wired for so long to serve others. In fact, it's forcing me to slow down more than ever, and not do everything and anything in order to get ahead. In some way, that has pushed me further back than I realized because I allowed fear and uncertainty to dictate how I sailed my ship. Many times, I just docked close to the harbor of my comfort zone instead of set the sails and letting the wind take me to new lands and opportunities. And I have proof of that... In the form of a spreadsheet I made listing all of the shows and projects I've done in the past ten years. And it gave me a hard look at what happens when I don't chart my own course. I don't grow. I don't dare to dream. I don't fly. I don't soar. And I live to regret it. I can't afford to keep on regretting what I didn't do, and wondering if it's too late for me to try again. As so many people have told me time and time again, I still have time left... So I want to take the best advantage of that time and do what my heart truly wants to do, and do what my career really needs right now. I'm not gonna lie, but even as I write this, I'm in a constant state of being discouraged, frustrated, doubtful, confused, and just plain lost. Again, that's what happens when you decide to elevate yourself. You have to unload the things that no longer serves you from your boat, and sometimes, you may have to order the people who no longer are welcome in your life to walk the plank and get the heck off your boat. Maybe not wish them to be eaten by the sharks or crocodiles, but just know that they're no longer welcome in your life. You also have to do the real work of properly upkeeping your boat to fit your needs, which means constant repairs of your outer shell and inner shell, and sometimes also just rest knowing that you're doing the best you can right now. And then there's being sure you surround yourself with people who can uplift you and support you, while also the occasional swift kick in your seat is also necessary. Somehow, seeing the concrete evidence of what happens when you don't learn to put yourself first and acknowledge & see that things need to change is a painful experience. It can feel like drowning almost. But in this case, that's when you need to take a step back, and examine each piece of your life and determine what needs your attention first, and then work your way down. In my case, my health is a priority. I'm doing my best to take better care of myself physically through the workouts and movement, but it's also doing the work of my mental and emotional health after years of neglect. That looks like ample rest, rewiring my brain to be more positive and real with myself, and doing what truly makes me happy. And from there, everything else will start to fall into place. Has it been easy? HELL NO! But I can honestly tell you, the difference between where I was a year ago and now is as clear s night and day. And I wouldn't change it for anything. I do want to end this week's post on an artistic note: It's no secret that this audition season has been a real challenge for many of us, including yours truly. We're all going through the ups and downs of attending the endless lists of EPAs, ECCs, open calls, and virtual submissions with no concrete evidence of booking roles and opportunities. There's a sense of unfairness running rampant as more and more theatre companies and organizations are relying on their connections more than ever as a way to keep the shows going and allow them to be the success that they want it to be. There's also a little bit of a sense of unrest as there is so much change and noise going on in our world, and feeling overwhelmed by the impacts. We're all trying to make sense of it all, and it's hard. We're all doing the right things: Showing up, working on our materials, going to classes, networking, possible therapy thrown in for good measure, going to see more theatre to be inspired, updating our materials... you name it. And yet, it's still not producing the fruits we so want, or in some cases, desperately need. How does one tackle a monstrous storm like this? Even when things just don't make bloody sense? Truth be told, I'm stumped. Except... You just allow yourself to ride through the storm with all of the emotions that it calls for, and it's okay to feel everything and anything right now. Even the most uncomfortable of feelings. And also be reminded that you're not alone. We're all going through this storm together, and sometimes that little reminder is enough. As well as taking the time to find joy in the midst of sorrow and chaos, as well as loving yourself a bit more fiercely. And then also being reminded that your gifts matter, even when others don't see it right now. Maybe that big theatre company you want to work at or that director for a particular show didn't see you as the missing piece of the puzzle, or maybe something else happened that took you out of the running. (I think something along the lines of saving money comes to mind.) It could be a sign that you're meant for something even better, even if you can't see it yet. It's often said the most miraculous things happen when we're on the verge of giving up. Perhaps that miracle is just around the corner right now. Sometimes the best you can do in a season like this is remember to breathe, surround yourself with your community to grieve and uplift each other, and just take it a moment at a time. And it is okay to step away from people and pages that show too much of what you would like to have more of, which in this case, is booking work. Just remember to take care of yourself and know that you do matter. The world wouldn't be the same without you in it. On a personal note, elevating myself to opportunities that are more suited to my creative needs and not have to audition everywhere and every week has been nothing short of turbulent. Because every week you go through the storms, sometimes all in one day. You go up on the waves of positivity and hope, and then you go down in doubt, uncertrainty, and frustration. And then you go back up again, and then down again. Up, down, up, down, up, down -- I'm making you nauseous, aren't I? I'll stop. But you see my point? Elevating oneself into a new chapter isn't smooth sailing, nor does it make you feel good 100% of the time. But from what I'm told, everyone who has gone through this has experienced the good and the bad that comes with elevating. It seems like there's no end in sight, but I'd like to think that there is, even if you're worse for wear by the time you get there. And I'd also like to think that I feel much better actually going out for what I want to go out for and not going to every single audition or open call or anything in between just to put myself out there. I think what's getting to me is experiencing less after experiencing plenty for over nine years. But... Not all of them made me happy or fulfilled. And I can't keep on having low hanging fruit drag me down into stagnancy and lack of growth for the rest of my life, even if it is comfortable. I guess that's where allowing myself time, love, and plenty of self-care comes into play. And it's hard when you just want the pain and frustration to go away. I'm holding onto hope that things will turn around eventually and the right opportunities will come my way. But in the meantime... Forgive me if I'm just barely hanging in there right now as I elevate myself for the first time ever. Any prayers, words of wisdom, encouragement, cups of tea, and hugs are always greatly appreciated! We may not have the right answers on how to get through all of the storms, but sometimes love and grace may be the best options for all of life's storms. And that especially includes us artists. I need that reminder every chance I get. Make sure you're reminded of that, too.