A Letter to Myself: 10 Years Later

Hi, Nessa! It's me - Lanita!

You probably don't recognize me. It's been a long time since I last saw you. 10 years, I think it is? 10 years... WOW!!!!!! And you didn't think you'd reach this point in your career. You didn't believe that you could keep going at your career for so long. I certainly didn't. When I first started, I was just summoning up my courage to actually go into auditions again, just to say that I can do it. And somehow, after doing The Lion King/Aladdin touring auditions, I'm seeing you keep going... Even when it's hard.

Even when it's unfair. Even when you're hurting. Even when you're doubting. Even when you're stuck. Even when you weren't sure if the money would come together. Even when you thought you couldn't get a ride to and from rehearsals and performances. Even when you were pleasing others instead of putting yourself first. Even when you didn't have all of the accurate information in front of you. Even when you were so shy and quiet when you were networking. Even when you felt huge pangs of jealousy and sometimes rage over other people getting the roles and opportunities you wanted. Even when you tried to toughen up and put on a suit of armor to not cry after every single rejection. Even when you thought you would be further along than you should be.

But here's the thing, Nessa: You really ARE further along than you think you are. Look at you: You took a leap of faith auditioning for the national tours of The Lion King & Aladdin to get things started ten years ago, and you're auditioning for shows and projects from all over the country - New York, Chicago, Boston, Portland, Los Angeles, Atlanta, to name a few - and even some places across the pond. And look at where you're at now: You have over 30-40 credits under your belt - theatre, film, short film, voiceover, commercial, and live concerts and cabarets. I'd say that's a lot further than where you've begun ten years ago! Even though it may not be in the places you'd like to be, it still counts because you are still showing up for yourself and your career. No matter how small those tasks are, they are making a difference. You update your resume, headshots, and profiles on as close to a consistent basis. And now you have a website, blog posts, email signature, more casting profiles, and so much more than I've ever imagined I'd see you do! But here's the thing that I'm impressed the most about you, Nessa: You took steps to reclaim your life. You decided to legally change your name to Nessa Elinor Amherst to sever ties from an abusive past, and that has opened so much doors for your career. (I still wonder why there hasn't been enough people throwing Wicked references at you after all these years, but maybe that might change this year. Who knows?) You went to therapy for over eight years, and you now have resources to help you with your mental and emotional health. You are proving that you are stronger than who you were before by having a stick-to-it attitude in whatever you do, even if it means going slowly. You are seeing firsthand what no longer works for you and taking steps to make sure that you break old habits, look at things from a different perspective, and reframe your thinking with new beliefs and ideas. Beliefs and ideas that actually work for you. But here's the thing that I see you doing that I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit for, Nessa: And that's learning to love yourself first. You've been giving and giving and giving to others without stopping for so long, and sometimes being so empty when you continue to give. You want to be reliable, you want to be accepted, you want to be loved, you want to be valued, you want to be appreciated, you want to be strong... But I think that real strength is realizing that you can't keep putting yourself last anymore, and taking steps to do something about it. You've shown so much real strength after what happened last year with that disastrous show (don't think I don't know about that!), and that has opened your eyes to what it looks like when you aren't valued or appreciated or even safe when you keep on people pleasing and putting yourself last. You knew that it was time for a change, and you took steps to make those changes - Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, Spiritually, And even financially. I can barely recognize you now. You are standing up for yourself now. You are FINALLY putting yourself first, and I know that is so new after so many years of putting others before yourself. You are allowing others to take on the tasks and not have it all be dumped on you, and while you're still learning to back off and let others have your back, it's still a nice feeling to let others carry the load. Even if it is both terrifying and a huge relief. You are setting boundaries on what you can or cannot tolerate, and even sometimes taking some time off from social media if you're not in the best place mentally or emotionally. Emails, too! You are listening to your body and knowing when to take breaks. You are seeing that you're not meant to go out for every opportunity or role, especially if they are not worth your time, energy, or creativity. And that's okay! After taking on so many roles and projects because you need them for your resume and experience, I believe you are ready to welcome in what you TRULY want for your career... And that means being honest with yourself on what truly brings you joy as an actor. It may mean that you don't take on the projects and opportunities that are seemingly popping up every which way and looking lovingly at your friends and acquaintances being cast and being praised with rave reviews and Helen Hayes Recommendations or nominations or awards. But maybe that just means that the right projects and opportunities - the ones that allowed you to shine brightest as an actor and challenged you to be at your highest level - are the ones you're meant to go out for. It's okay if you don't have a clear vision of what that looks like right now. Sometimes when you're starting out in a new chapter or new phase of life, things get a little bit blurry and you don't know exactly where you're going or what you exactly have to do to get there. But the fact that you are still moving forward and learning more about yourself and being able to stick to it says a lot about who you are and who you've become. Maybe it's time to actually start to believe and appreciate all of the ways you've become stronger... More resilient... Braver... Kinder... More vocal... More intuitive... More giving to yourself... And more loving. You may have not always seen those qualities and more, but I have. You have truly become something of a force to be reckoned with. You're even becoming a little bit of a badass, which I never thought I would see! I know it's hard to not be able to say yes to everything like you used to do, but you're doing something for yourself that I've been hoping you do for quite some time: You're creating and setting standards for what it is you truly want in your career. You're rediscovering why you fell in love with acting in the first place. You're putting in the time and effort into your work and showing up consistently, no matter how insignificant it feels. You're allowing yourself to be led to opportunities that feel right and not have to constantly chase after them. You're learning to say no... Which is the hardest thing to do as an actor. You're seeing with your own eyes the harsh realities of being an actor in this industry... and how you're still standing and moving forward despite the trauma and rejections and disappointments. You're learning to ask your community for help, guidance, and encouragement when the opportunity calls for it. And you're doing it all without having all of the answers or clear path. Because you are learning to own your path and embrace the journey, no matter how many times it veers off course. Because somehow you always find your way back, even if you do end up a bit bruised and humbled in the process. You know you're meant for something more outside of the circles people are familiar with you in, and you are comforted in seeing that you're not the only one who feels this way. No, you're not crazy, Nessa. Not one bit! You also see that you want the opportunity to be in a show or project outside of the place you called home for 14 years, like you got the chance to do in 2022 when you lived and performed in NYC. Yes, it was loud at night... But you wouldn't change it for anything. Not when you got the chance to experience NYC in a way you've only dreamed of, and it made you stronger and braver than you've ever imagined... I never would've imagined you making your NYC theatre debut at the Lincoln Center, and yet you did just that! I definitely saw those tears you cried during curtain call, and they were well deserved for the spectacular performance you put on. And now you're just dying for a chance to do it again in NYC, or even somewhere else! But the beauty of it all is that you're doing what you need to do to make it happen, and you're doing it on your own terms. You're allowing yourself to do the necessary tasks and steps to get to where you want to be, while also making sure you put yourself first and do what you want to do, what truly makes you happy. Many actors may not realize that right away, and while I know it's painful to not realize that until last year, it's better than not seeing that at all. And that's a costly mistake some actors make, too. So don't beat yourself up over not seeing sooner that your needs matter and it's okay to say no for the sake of your health and your creative fulfillment You actually saw that. Many others never see their mistakes or habits are harming others. Or they simply choose to overlook those bad habits because they don't want to change. But you do want to change. You know that you deserve better than what you've gotten, and even if you're doing it scared right now, you know that it's time for much better things. Nessa, I know you have so much to look forward to as you reach your official tenth year as a professional actor, and I also know that you're not sure that things will work out as you navigate all of these changes going on around you and within you. If there's one thing I know is that I never really adapted to chang at all. And I'm seeing that it's especially hard for you right now when you've had a ton of changes being thrown at you left and right - from losing your community group of eight years, to seeing your friends get married and have their own families and feeling left out of the married circles because you're one of the few people that's single, your former supervisors leaving and have new ones come in with a new set of rules to settle in to, learning to step away from doing all of the tasks and accepting help from others who can do a great job at what you taught them, seeing mom lose her job for eight months and then start up at two new jobs again, learning new recipes to help out at dinner, buying in bulk so that you don't have to spend too much money at the grocery store week in and week out... And then there's your career. You've dealt with so much traumatic experiences in your life, and this past year was a real doozy for you. We both know how much the theatre is our safe space, and when that space is threatened by disorganization, chaos, and even more trauma from people who don't know how to effectively lead structured rehearsals and performances, or even bullying you and abuse you to get money from you for their classes, or tell you that you shouldn't be in this business because you're so sensitive... That's quite possibly the toughest change of all. Because it's showing you that you don't deserve any of the horrible treatment as an actor... or even a human being. And it's easy to be scared and hesitant to go out and try again if you're not sure if there's anyone out there you can trust. And it's also so easy to be discouraged by accepting that there are just some people out there who don't know how to be good directors, teachers, producers, actors, stage managers, and people in general. They don't know how to treat others with kindness, empathy, understanding, patience, leadership, effective communication, and even love. All they believe in is shouting at others, bullying them to be fantastic performers, making them cry by belittling them, or even doing inappropriate behaviors in front of others or behind closed doors, while threatening to end their livelihoods if they speak out. But you have spoken out about some of these behaviors you've experienced... And you're still here. And you're still fighting to have the career you truly want. And I'm so proud of you for not staying silent. It's been a lot these past ten years, especially where the trauma is concerned. And yet... You're still standing, you're still growing, you're still learning, you're still strong, you're still talented, you're still kind, you're still intelligent, you're still empathetic, you're still healing, you're still courageous, you're still vulnerable, you're still sensitive, you're still loving, you're still considerate, you're still amazing... And you're still here. Somehow it may not feel like you accomplished a lot in these ten years, but I believe that you accomplished the greatest thing in the world: You kept going, and you're still here. You haven't given up, and you don't see yourself being happier doing anything else. You may have a ton of scars from over the past decade, but your spirit has never broken. And I'm so proud of you, Nessa. VERY proud of you. Before I leave, I just wanted to say one more thing: THANK YOU. Thank you for living the life I've always wanted to live. Thank you for continuing to find your courage to do the hard things, even if it's scary. Thank you for finding joy in what you've been doing these past ten years. Thank you for taking risks and knowing that you can take risks. Thank you for standing up for what you believe in, even if others may not always understand why. Thank you for learning and growing, and always taking the opportunity to ask questions. Thank you for listening to your own voice and doing what's right for you. Thank you for keeping going, even when you are tired, frustrated, discouraged, angry, frustrated, and heartbroken. Thank you for being real with your feelings, and not hiding it from the rest of the world. Thank you for playing roles that allowed you to tell stories, but also love and understand the world in a way that other people may not always understand. Thank you for seeing your worth as an artist and as a human being. Thank you for taking care of yourself first, and reteaching yourself how to do that in a way that brings you joy and peace. Thank you for continuing to trust God in this season, and being okay with sharing doubts with Him every night and asking for reassurance. Thank you for loving mom, who's been a constant champion and supporter of all that you do. Thank you for finding ways to love your family, even if you may not always understand the humor and madness that comes from their mouths from time to time. Thank you for finding your communities, and meeting incredible people along the way. But most of all... Thank you for doing what you love, and always sticking with it, even when it's so hard.

I'm in awe of who you've become, Nessa. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. If you need further proof of that, look no further than here:

I'm so proud of you, Nessa. Please keep going. Please keeping learning and growing. Please keep creating. Please keep advocating for yourself. Please keep shining. Please keep doing what you love. And please keep being the amazing woman that we both know you are. Happy 10th anniversary, Nessa! Here's to ten more years! With love, Lanita (In case you didn't figure this out yet, this week's blog post is a bit special for me because I am celebrating my tenth year as a professional actor. And I've learned a lot of lessons, observations, and reflections these past ten years. But one thing I've learned that's still true is that these are MY obsevations and reflections, and you are welcome to disagree with anything and everything I've said here. What I won't tolerate is any disrespectful language, hate speech, or offensive words that harm and belittle each other. We need to learn to live with each other, despite our differences, and that means taking the time to understand and appreciate one another. If you can't do a simple thing like that, I will block you.)