The Third Wheel of Time

Well, this past weekend had us all feeling the love... Galentine's Day was on Friday, Valentine's Day was on Saturday, and Singles Awareness Day was on Sunday. A weekend of loving and uplifting your girlfriends and sisters from another mister, storybook romances and candlelit dinners, and self-care and self-love. There seems to be quite a bit of love going around this past weekend, especially when there are so many things happening that's making our heads spin and our blood boil. And it's nice to allow ourselves to be a little bit inspired by romance, or continue to dream of the future Mr. Darcy, Gomez Addams, Captain Wentworth, or even Heathcliff. Or if you're of the opposite sex, the future Elizabeth Bennett, Morticia Addams, Anne Eliot, or even Catherine. (By now, I somehow snuck in the two lead characters of Wuthering Heights, and if you haven't seen the movie yet - as yours truly hasn't - I suggest you read the book first.) Or maybe you hate all things Valentine's Day and decide to swear off of all things romantic and just take some time to be caring and loving to yourself, and that's okay! Self-love matters, especially on a weekend like Valentine's Day. We all could use a little romance in our lives, even if we're not actively dating or on the market. Getting lost in some of the greatest love stories out there can give us a little bit of hope, no matter how far fetched it may be. But it could also comfort us in these uncertain times. I must confess that I am a hopeless romantic. I genuinely believe that when I see couples in films or TV series, I want them to be together, and I get surprised by some of the results of some of the more contemporary stories when the people you'd least expect to get together end up together, against all of the odds. And I somehow believe that I'm destined for a love story like the ones I see in film or TV, or even read in books. I also blame my unrealistic expectations on all of the Disney movies I watched growing up. But as I indulge in the classic romance novels like Persuasion, Pride & Prejudice, Emma, The Count of Monte Cristo, or even some of the newer romance novels, there's something else that I find myself feeling in recent years: Loneliness. And it's not because of the declarations of love I see printed on the pages or witness on the screen. But it's because of what's currently going on in my life at this moment. You may recall that I shared a blog post about being considered a spinster by today's standards and the ups and downs I experience on a regular basis as a thirtysomething single woman. I'd like to add a new set of words to my singleness vocabulary: Third wheel. In a sea of friends and acquaintances who are married or engaged or dating, I honestly feel like I'm just in the way. Like I'm just a long for the ride. Like I'm just being there out of pity. And with the numbers of people gettng engaged and married going up higher and higher each day, it's hard to really relate to my friends and acquaintances who are engaged, married, or married with young children. Especially when I've made the conscious decision to not have children. Or even make the conscious decision to put myself first for the first time in over 25 years before I even think about pursuing a relationship, and what that entails for me physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially, and creatively. I've heard stories about and seen couples out there who may seem like they're right for each other on the outside, but behind their walls there's a lot of chaos, confusion, division, and bitterness simply because they don't have the mental or emotional capacity to grasp what it truly means to be in a relationship, let alone start a family. And everyone around them suffers because of their reckless decision to be together and just do what society expects them to do when they're in love, and not necessarily put in the time and the effort to discuss their relationship beyond the "I love you" and "yes, dear" and "anything you want." I don't want to be the cause of a relationship failing because I didn't take the time to make sure I'm mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially, or even physically prepared to commit to someone who could potentially be my soul mate. It's a damn shame that there are men and women, no matter what race or religion, who don't seem to get that message and work on themselves before even thinking about what it looks like to be on the market. Even well into their golden years, they still don't get the message, and that terrifies me. Because they seem to pop up at inconvenient times to remind me that I don't want to be like them, or end like them. Especially when it's creepy old men who are my age or twice my age and just want a baby mama or a noncommittal girl to sleep with. If I had a nickel for every time a man hit on me for over 20 years, I'd be richer than Jeff Bezos. (Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating, but you see my point.) But you know what's worse than seeing the effects of men and women not making sure they're mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially, and even physically prepared for a relationship that's filled with love? From my eyes, it's seeing my friends who are engaged, married, or married with young children no longer have time for me... Who just happens to be one of the last single women standing. Who just happens to value friendship to the highest degree. Who just happens to be sick and tired of being the third wheel of our relationships and feeling left out in a sea of married couples and married with young families. For all of you singles out there, I think this week's post might speak volumes for you. For all of you married couples and married with young families, I hope this week's blog post is a wake up call for you. Let's dive in.

I came across a clip on Instagram last week that was a little bit disturbing. It was from a show called Bridgerton, and I guarantee you that you have heard of this show. If you haven't, you've been living under a rock. For me personally, I'm not particularly interested in this show. I love the fashions, but... I prefer to watch period dramas without the explicit sex. But that's just me. You do you. Anyway, in this clip it concerns two characters: Eloise Bridgerton and her friend, Penelope, who just so happens to now be her sister-in-law. In the clip, Eloise and Penelope are meeting and conversing with another friend of theirs who just so happens to be married. Penelope and the other friend are conversing most animatedly about their husbands and their newborn children. Eloise, on the other hand... Well, let's just say she looked a little uncomfortable. Because she couldn't really add much to the conversation due to being the only single woman in the group. Eloise was left out in her small circle of friends. The friends she could really need right now as she's struggling with being single. In a way, I could relate to Eloise. Because it seems like no matter how many times you show up for your married friends, you can't really add much to the conversation as a single person, especially if the topics concern childcare or being married. There's always the talks of child behaviors, or school milestones, or latest family trips, or dinner for two, and so on. But from your perspective, all you can add to the conversation is things like... "I learned a new recipe!" Or... "I got a new pair of shoes!" Or... "I went to the spa for a self-care day!" And even then, you feel a little silly and sometimes insecure because you start to wonder if you're still good for your married friends. Or even engaged friends. Because you're no longer included in the circle of married friends or engaged friends.

The attention is no longer focused on your needs as a single person. The attention is stretched a little bit further, and sometimes, you might be forgotten about all together. Those coffee dates that you had when you were single? Now they can be a bit of a distraction for your married friend when you sometimes have to bring the little one along and make sure they're okay. Those nights out at dinner when you were single? Now they feature your married friend's significant other and you can't help but squirm when they do more talking to each other instead of including you in the conversation as well. Those ordinary celebrations of learning new recipes or accomplishing a major goal when you're single? They all seem secondary now compared to your married friend's accomplishments of a new baby on the way, or an anniversary, or even a special event that doesn't involve you. You start to feel excluded from your circle of friends who have now joined the married club. And it gets really hard when it becomes the married with kids club. That's when the feelings of being a third wheel really start to kick in. You don't matter anymore because of your singleness, and nothing you do in your life seems to make a difference to your married friends anymore. It's like those big celebrations of independence, career milestones, health goals being met, and other important moments aren't so important in the eyes of your married friends anymore. And it gets especially bad when your friends get engaged. Because it gets harder and harder to retain your friends, let alone relate to them now that they're married or engaged. In a sense, it feels like when you get married, being single is now considered a curse, and you have to stay away from them in order to enjoy wedded bliss. It's as if now being single is considered a problem, and that it's your fault for staying committed to yourself instead of making an effort to being committed to someone else. That's what it feels like being the third wheel in a friendship with married friends: You don't matter anymore, and your life and your accomplishments are secondary to that of your married and engaged friends. Now, I know what some of you are thinking: "We can still be friends with you! It doesn't matter if you're single or not! I'll still have time for you!" Well, I hate to burst your bubble, and I'm going to try to be as delicate about this as I can. Yes, you can still hang out with your friends who are single, but it's not going to be the same as it used to be. Because you're not just living your life for yourself anymore... You're also living your life for someone else, and that means there are boundaries and rules that need to be followed in order to keep the marriage and the family ties strong. Such as not staying out too late, or making sure you have enough money for bills and groceries for the whole family, or not overspending on yourself or your single friends, or attending school functions like school plays, or talking more and more about other people that doesn't directly relate to your single friends. And that often leads married couples and engaged couples to become closer and closer to other married couples... Which in turn leads married couples growing farther apart from their single friends. I hate to say this, but there's no one the friendship with your single friends are going to be the same once you get married. It's just not possible. Because your single friends are no longer the center of attention, especially when they need your support more than ever. It's your significant other, it's your children, it's your extended family, and it's no longer your single friends. That's a reality many of us who are single have to face each time we see our friends who are married or engaged, no matter how much we wish it could be the same. And you know what else? It hurts. It hurts so bad because our accomplishments and our independence and our willingness to focus on our needs means nothing now to our married friends or engaged friends. It hurts like hell because we believe our lives as single people matter, and yet the conversations our married friends have in their circle of friends makes us question if it's really worth it to be single, especially when it feels like it doesn't. It painfully hurts because we can offer so many different perspectives on the world in our independent eyes, but there are times when our married friends only see the world through their married eyes, and not be willing to look at being single as something to be celebrated or appreciated. I'm only going to say this once: Being single is not a curse. Being single is not a result of failure. Being single should give us no reason whatsoever to be excluded or make us feel like the third wheel of our relationships with our married friends. So... I'm genuinely asking my married or engaged friends this question: Why do you do this? Why do you feel the need to keep us excluded from your lives when want the same things you want: to be celebrated, appreciated, and loved, even though we're on different paths in our relationships? Why do you see us single people as a distraction when we take the time to be with you and your children, especially when the child starts crying or screaming? Why do you insist that our friendship won't change when in reality it has? Especially when it feels like you no longer have time for us single people? Or even if you want to make time for us single people? Now, before I go too far, I just want to say that many of you who are married or engaged or married with children who are reading this may feel a little bit hurt by what I've said here. Or, quite hurt, if that's the case. And I'm sorry you feel that way. And I'm also aware that many of you may not even be aware of what you are doing, or even mean to do a lot of these things to us single people without thinking about it. It can be a tough pill to swallow when you hear it spoken for the first time from someone who's single.

This may be the point where you wonder if it's even worth it to continue to be friends with singles after seeing this one perspective, and I encourage you to stay friends with your single friends if you care about them. Because they may or may not end up in your shoes one day: engaged, eventually married, or even have kids if they decide to do so. And even if they don't decide to have children, they're still in love and a couple. And they still need your support. But here's the thing you need to understand about us single folks out there: We may not have a significant other yet, but that doesn't make us any less interesting or less worthy of your friendship and support. Just like it doesn't make us any better when you neglect us for other married couples and communities and unknowingly deem us a distraction or even a nuisance when we try to maintain our friendships with you. We have feelings, too. We have desires, too. We have lives, too. We need good and stable friendships & relationships, too. And we know when we feel left out or alone when our friends are getting married or having kids and are unable to make the same time for us like they used to. Like it or not, we have to accept that things have changed, and things are never going to be the same. But that doesn't automatically give you the right to deem us single people as unworthy of your support and friendship simply because we don't have anyone else as a significant other yet. Because if you decide to do that, you're just turning into what the rest of society wants you to believe: Single people are failures. Single people don't understand what it's like to be married, and aren't worthy of your time. Single people are selfish for only thinking of themselves. Single people are odd, and no one wants to be around people who are odd. Single people aren't meant to be your friends anymore. Us single may not always understand the conversations about married life or childbearing or raising a family, but we're also not stupid. We know what it's like to feel lonely and let out of the conversations, along with being uncomfortable. Can I just ask you to stop doing that? Please? Single people matter, too, whether you like it or not. And we can offer just as much fun, different perspectives, and some valuable lessons to others as much as married people can. We know love like you do. We know heartbreak like you do. We know happiness like you do. We know sadness like you do. We know anger like you do. And we especially know how you feel about us. Just give us a chance. Don't write us off as failures or leave us out of the conversations, even if you don't know that you're doing it.

Just... For the love of God... STOP. (This week's blog post is a bit emotional as it comes from a personal place of frustration and sadness, and while I may speak from my own experiences and observations as a single woman, I need to remind you that many of what I've said in this week's post and previous posts are just my reflections and observations I've seen on my travels and daily life. You are welcome to disagree with anything and everything I've said. However, I will not tolerate any offensive langugage, hate speech, or harmful words that further maim and divide us. We all have to learn to live with each other and respect each other's opinons and observations, but if you can't do a simple thing like that, I will block you.)

I never thought that being single was considered selfish or that I'm a failure, no matter how many times society tells you otherwise. I certainly don't think it's selfish of me to focus on my mental and emotional wellbeing after so many years of abuse and trauma from within my family. I certainly don't think it's selfish of me to love myself first for the very first time after not doing so for over 25 years. I certainly don't think it's selfish of me to focus on my career and independence to get to a place where I can financially stable and be confident in what I can do. And I certainly don't think it's selfish of me or anyone else to do these things and more in order to find ourselves with the right person. Maybe the biggest reason why we choose to stay single for as long as we can is because of the fact that there are so many wrong people out there in the world who would prove disastrous to our relationships if we were to pursue those people out of desperation and neediness. Let's face it: There are people out there - men and women - who will never be mentally, emotionally, financially, spiritually, or physically stable enough to pursue a deeply committed relationship with others. All they care about is having a good time or a fling, which means having sex with many people as they can and then bolting out of their lives the minute someone becomes pregnant, or has an STD, or has all of their money and resources drained. They don't understand what it means to be strong and stable enough to care about the other person in their lives, let alone their family. And maybe that's due to their own upbringing and not having a stable foundation from their families or loved ones to give them the tools they need in order to pursue a healthy and happy romantic relationship with others. I think we'll never know why there are people out there who are like that. The point is, many of us want to end up with the right someone. Or in some cases, we're committed to being single for the rest of our lives because we just don't want to be tied down to someone else. But we would rather be with the one person who completes us, loves us in our beauty and our ugliness, challenges us to be better people and not be forced to give up the things that mean the world to us, and truly loves us. Singleness is not a failure when we're taking the time to focus on ourselves and be willing to wait for the right person to come along and love us. And it may take a bit of doing to get to the right person. Haven't you heard of the phrase that you have to kiss a lot of frogs in order to get to your prince? We're not selfish. Not one bit. We're cautious. We're prudent. We're high maintenance. We're learning. We're growing. We're thriving (or at least trying to). We're creative. We're intelligent. We're strong. We're brave. We're loving ourselves so we can be open and prepared to loving others. No selfishness involved. I want to leave you with this: I do want to have the opportunity to pursue a relationship someday. But I want to do it on my terms: That means no online dating, no rushing to get engaged and married, no pressure from loved ones, no judgment, none of that. I want to be able to really experience what it's like to fall in love with the right person, even if it means doing it the old-fashioned way. But I'm just not in a place to do that right now because there is a lot of junk and trauma and things I need to clean up, work through, organize, and heal from. And if I even remotely tried to start dating when I'm not in a stable enough place to do that, I'll live to regret that for the rest of my life. And that is the last thing I want to do. I would rather have the solid foundation of what it really means to be in a relationship with someone else than go into this being messy and confused. But it doesn't help me or anyone else who is single when we're being left out of meaningful friendships with those who have gotten married. Yes, we can still be friends, but that doesn't mean it won't be different from here on out. Just stop treating us single folks like we're too different for you. Stop overlooking our accomplishments and our day-to-day lives as insignificant to yours. Take the time to celebrate our accomplishments - getting a new job, leaving a crappy job, going back to school, graduating from school, traveling to a new place, learning a new recipe, learning a new skill, losing weight, gaining muscle or weight, getting a pet, moving into a new place, starting over again, going on a retreat or spa to rejuvenate yourself, adding new furniture, redoing an area of your home, healing from a terrible disease, getting out of bed for the first time after a difficult time... Those accomplishments do matter to us, and they don't pale in comparison to your married lives or children's lives, so why do you make it seem like it does? We're still people, and we still have feelings and lives like you do. And even if you don't know this after being married for a while, it's nice to have that reminder coming from a loving place. Even if that reminder is sometimes a bit blunt and sometimes a little harsh. Don't forget about us single people, and stop treating us like we're a lost cause... Or even a third wheel. We matter. And we need support, encouragement, and love just as much as your significant others do.

“Being brave enough to be alone frees you up to invite people into your life because you want them and not because you need them.”