Elevator Shoes

When you visit the homepage on my website, chances are you may have come across one of my all-time favorite quotes as you scroll down the page:

It's sort of become my North Star to encourage me to keep going in my career, and follow my dreams. And it's times like these when I'm going through so much doubt and trying to let go of what I cannot control, I need to be reminded that I'm doing something that a lot of people wish they had the guts to do: It's actually being able to live out their dreams and keep going, no matter how hard it gets, and no matter how many people tell you that you'll never make it. Somehow, when we get the chance to do what we love, we only dream about the sweet roses of success and the money and the fame that comes with it. We never really see what goes on underneath the fame, the fortune, and the glory. The auditions, sometimes very early in the morning or late at night. Last minute self-tapes. Line memorization. Networking without sounding desperate. Working for free just for the sake of being given an "opportunity" or "exposure". Sacrificing your family, friends, holidays, vacations, and even your own sanity to make this work. Not enough consistent paychecks. Multiple day jobs just to sustain you to make it in your career. Acting lessons. Voice lessons. Stage combat classes. Improv classes. Workshops. Venting to your friends and family. Plenty of rejections. Plenty of tears. Plenty of sleepless nights wondering "why not me?" Plenty of chances to reinvent or evolve. Plenty of "what ifs." Plenty of questioning yourself. Plenty of comparing yourself to others. Plenty of things people may not see when you're an actor, a dancer, a playwright, a director, a producer, a costume designer, or anyone working in the industry just trying to make their dreams work because it's something they believe in and no one else may understand. When you reach a milestone like I have, you get to look back at how far you've come, what it took to reach this point, and the surprising discoveries you've only just uncovered about yourself and your career that you never thought you'd see until now. If you'd like to take things in a literal sense, do what I do when you reach ten years in your career: Make a spreadsheet (seriously), list all of your credits you've amassed over the years with all of the roles you played, theater companies & organizations you worked at, the year, and be brutally honest with yourself. Even selfish. Give yourself an honest opinion of if you've really enjoyed your time with the project, or if you've absolutely hated it, or if it was so-so. Meh, even. It was a painstaking process, but I somehow managed to accomplish listing all of my 70+ credits I've amassed over the past ten years, and what I saw after the deep and honest reflections and brutal honesty I gave myself had me do two things. One, my blood boiled within me. Two, my heart broke. Because out of the 70+ credits I've done these past ten years, half of them were so-so. Meh. And when I initially did these opportunities, I thought that they were all wonderful, while deep down my gut was telling me that I deserved something more than what I got. I even heard the following phrases come into my head from time to time: "You're so much better than everyone else! Why are you even doing this project?" "Are you REALLY happy to be here? Or are you just glad to be working?" "I don't know about you, but this might be a bad idea." "You should've said no." Somehow, I pushed through the questions and the sinking feelings in my gut because of the supposed idea that you should be grateful for what you can get as an actor, because who knows when you'll be working again? Or even that I may not even be that great as everyone else in the cast. I'm still second rate and I deserve to learn from them... Even if they may not always have the right information or a positive, healthy mindset to pursue this career. Now, that's not to say that I didn't like the people or the organization of some of these projects. Many of them were quite lovely, and are still quite lovely. In fact, many of these people I've performed with are friends, neighbors, and acquaintances I see around the area and they are thriving in their own unique ways. But maybe the best way to put this would be... I simply outgrew those spaces that I was in, and I should've kept on going to the spaces and places that I knew would help me evolve and thrive even more. And yet, no matter how hard I tried to get into the spaces and places that would help me the most, I let a little thing called fear get in the way, and it forced me to retreat back into the spaces that I outgrew just for the sake of my sanity and actually doling something. Taking a few steps backward, as it were. When you reach a milestone, you start to see that all of those times you stay in the spaces you outgrew, you missed out on the opportunities that would've helped you grow and transform into the person you're becoming. Or even didn't allow those opportunities to find their way to you because you've been so busy with other things to actually focus on getting the opportunities you want. It's a tough pill to swallow, for sure. I mean, all of those years I spent doing projects and shows because I kept on performing for the sake of being consistent and busy and #bookedandblessed, I missed out on some fantastic opportunities that would've helped me further along my journey and challenged me in new ways. As I looked back at the spreadsheet and all of my raw honesty I gave myself for each project, the words "fear" and "regret" kept on being repeated across my eyes and in my mind. I was scared to evolve, because of what I could potentially lose. I thought that I was already good enough as I was. I didn't need to do more to get into the spaces I really wanted to get in. Maybe being in those spaces might just be enough for me to get noticed by those higher ups just to get those opportunities I desire so badly, and I can do the work after I get there. As much as you hate to put in the work, especially after a long day, you still wind up having to do it... And that's especially true when you start to see that the same patterns, beliefs, and habits you had aren't getting you in the spaces you truly deserve to be in. It may take someone else calling you out (politely) and recommending taking lessons or classes to refine your skills. Or meeting up with someone to have a heart to heart conversation about your career and where you want to go. Or even forcing yourself to watch yourself on your self-tapes and actually seeing that, yeah, I may actually have to get lessons just to get better and get the results that I want. Either way, a lot of those habits, patterns, and ideas you carried over the years is no longer able to sustain you when you decide to shift gears and move forward in the next chapter of your life. Think of it like weight loss: You're shedding all of the excess pounds you've carried to fit into the new lifestyle and mentality you're creating for a healthier you. And you may not even recognize the person you're becoming. That's what it looks like when you're unlearning those bad habits, and implementing new techniques, ideas, and habits to help propel you into the next chapter of your career. What nobody tells you about following your dreams is that you're constantly having to reinvent yourself. And that the process of transforming into your highest self to head into the next chapter of your life can feel quite hellish from time to time, if not all of the time. Let's dive into this week's theme, and meet someone who knows about this all too well. You're looking at her.

How does one decide to "elevate?" Well... It all stems from feeling stagnant, like you're not moving anywhere. And from all of the opportunities you've been getting, despite the consistency and stability and even praise, you feel something inside your gut telling you that this isn't exactly where you're meant to be. Or you feel a sort of restlessness within you, like there's something beyond what you're getting, and what you have right now isn't satisfying you. Or it could be one major event, or a series of small events leading up to a major event, that forces you to open your eyes and actually see what happens when you stay within your comfort zone. Particularly when the people aren't necessarily good for you or challenge your values. The truth is, it could be any of those things. Even something entirely different. But it all stems from this idea that you're feeling stuck and you want to move and you can't seem to figure out how, or even what to do. It may take a short period of time to realize that you need to elevate to a higher level. Or it may take a number of years and being in the same projects and opportunities over and over again to see that your talents or skills are better off in an environment where you can be challenged and utilized in a way that allows you to actually grow and thrive. It can be a good experience. It can be a bad experience. It can even be a so-so or meh experience to force you to see that maybe it's time to up your game and elevate. Some people know right away that they want to be at their highest level and constantly elevate themseles. Others may want to take the slow and steady route for them to see that it's time to elevate. But it bears repeating that at a certain point in your life, you have to elevate in order to be challenged and grow to the person that is meant to perform things, or your dreams, at the highest level. No one is meant to be stagnant, not even if you work at a factory. We all have to elevate at some point in our lives. What did it take for me to finally decide that I want to, even have to, elevate myself to the next chapter of my career? Well, it took a pretty rough experience from last year to force me to see that I deserve better than what I've settled for in the past nine years.

Seeing what could happen if I just settled and accepted every opportunity, and knowing that my talents and skills were not being utilized in a way that challenged me through a chaotic and disorganized show was quite the rude awakening that I needed. And then there was the long road to recovery: Plenty of tears, long walks, workouts, trips out of town, upping my self-care, learning to disconnect, venting, and actually processing it all was the reassurance and light bulb moment that made me see that it was time to elevate. In fact, it was WAY past time for me to elevate. Remember when I shared with you earlier that I made a spreadsheet with all of the shows I did these past 10 years and gave myself an honest opinion about each project I've done? Even gave myself permission to be selfish? Well, it's true. It took a long two weeks to sit down and give a hard look at what I've done, and how each project made me truly feel. Because as much as I enjoyed the smaller projects and opportunities, along with the bigger ones, I knew that I was meant for bigger things. But I ended up staying within those spaces and places where people knew me because of fear, and in the same way, I let that fear define where I'm most known in the community. Smaller spaces, community theatre, unpaid projects, low paying projects, virtual projects... Not enough chances for me to grow and transform in the spaces where I was meant to be. And as I looked at the spreadsheet over and over again, I began to notice a pattern as to why half of those credits were so meh. I craved more... More structure in rehearsals. Like 50-55 minutes and then a planned/scheduled 5-10 minute break, with lunch or dinner included. More opportunities to research and build my characters from the ground up with a team, including a dramaturg, costume designer, director, and even my fellow cast members. Better communication from the creative teams and fellow artists, especially if there were last minute changes. More chances to play roles that weren't stereotypical or forced me to be "more" of something that I'm not. What I needed was... To be in the bigger spaces where I could be challenged and believe I have what it takes to be in those spaces. More structure in rehearsals and performances and better communication from the creative team. More paying opportunities (that goes without saying) that are substantially higher than what I've accepted and that align with what I'm worth. More chances to work with professionals who are at the same level as I am in order to create a show that I can be proud of, what we could all be proud of. More organization and better preparation on my end for auditions, callbacks, rehearsals, and performances where I don't have to always rely on a director telling me what to do. Basically allowing me to do my own homework and preparation and trusting that I know what I'm doing and I can bring the characters to life. Somehow, I needed all of these things, and yet I stayed within those same circles for a number of years because I let fear loudly tell me that I would never work again or be satisfied with going into the spaces that I needed to be in so that I can get what I truly deserve for myself and my career... Because if I did, it would mean an unspeakable reality that we're all coming to grips with. Not working as consistently as before. Even for extended periods of time. One new reality I'm currently facing is that I won't be booking as much projects as I normally would, and as someone who genuinely loves to perform, it's a tough reality to accept. Performing is what genuinely makes me happy, and not being onstage is always hard... Made harder when I see others doing what I want to do so badly, including shows that I auditioned for and didn't get. But when you decide to cut out the easily bookable shows and focus on the spaces and projects you want to be a part of, and are among the hardest to get into? Man, it can really do a number on your mental and emotional health. Because it seems like every day you question and second guess yourself as you elevate. I think the biggest question I've asked myself lately is: "Oh God, what have I done?" Have I just made the biggest mistake of my entire career by elevating myself and not getting as much opportunities like I normally would? Especially if it means not being in shows for most of the year? And not having back-to-back-to-back projects? It can certainly feel that way. Nobody seems to tell you that elevating involves a lot of questioning, second guessing, and even some pain to come with it. It feels especially brutal as you're dealing with an industry that's also struggling, and there is so much happening that's out of your control. Not to mention so much going on around you that is out of your control.

You want to be in control of your career, to make the elevating a bit easier than it has been lately. You're just tired of feeling like you've taken two steps backwards when all you want to do is move forward. And it seemed like you would move a million steps forward when you decided to elevate. You just want things to actually make sense again and you want things to go your way because you deserve better and higher things, and you wonder why it's been harder for you lately than for some other people that you know. But when you decide to cut out the things that are easier for you to get, it turns out the hard becomes... Harder. And it's even harder when you constantly put in the work and the effort day in and day out. Nothing seems to happen the way you want it to happen, and the results aren't coming as smoothly as you hoped it would be. You may even wonder if it's still worth it in the end. Sometimes, when you decide to elevate, to raise your standards, making your way to the next chapter of your life can honestly feel like hell. And it's only made worse by the people not actually seeing the work you're putting in behind the scenes... Or if they are, they're not exactly sure where to fit you right now. And in some cases, it may even feel like you may never fit in at all, despite the number of years you put into your work and skills and craft. It's a lot to try and make sense of it all. Your ideas of elevating may have not required more work, more doubts, more frustrations, more tears, and more heartaches. But here's something that I'm sure you need reminding of (Lord knows how much I need this reminder every chance I get): You're not alone in elevating. Even outside of this particular industry. (It's clear that I'm trying to make sense of a new season, and the same could be said for many of you out there reading this week's post. But here's my friendly reminder for all of you to consider: these are MY observations and reflections, and you are welcome to disagree with anything and everything I've said. But if we are all to elevate to the next level of our lives, we have to remember a vital foundation for each other: be kind to one another. And that means no hate speech, offensive language, and divisive words that can harm each us. This is particularly true for this week's post and for my previous posts. If you can't do a simple thing like being kind and learning to understand & appreciate each other's differences, I will block you.)

I had the pleasure of attending a local networking event for black creatives and artists, which included a panel of local artists who made it all the way to Broadway. Each of the members of the panel shared their stories, anecdotes, and words of wisdom for all of us in attendance, which was appreciated. But when it came time for the Q&A, I knew that I had to take a chance and ask an important question: How do you take care of yourself as you are elevating? The answers were nothing short of moving. One thing to do is to remember your purpose, your why, for being an artist or a creative. And it doesn't involve money or fame. Those are fleeting and inconsistent, especially these days with social media. There is something or someone who called you into doing this career for a living, and it sparked something inside you. What was it? Only you can decipher what that is, and figure out how to rekindle that flame. It may involve doing things outside of your profession to find joy again, which is the next answer given to me at the panel. Why not do something different from what you know to do in your career, or even do what you love that doesn't involve anything remotely related to your profession? You can find joy and love in doing all sorts of things that you care about that may or may not be 100% related to your career: baking, cooking, photography, traveling, yoga, languages, history, science, mathematics, chemistry - the list is endless! Or maybe doing something that you love to do... and it brings you such incandescent joy that it may open up opportunities for you in a new way. Creating your own work or doing something related to your career that's actually fun and the stakes are so low that you just get to be happy doing it. There have been plenty of stories of artists and creatives doing something performance-related for fun and someone noticed, and it opened up a world of new opportunities for them. And then there's two final pieces of advice that I leave you with to ruminate over: The first is one that can be the hardest thing to do in the midst of the pain, uncertainty, doubt, and fear. And that's enjoying the person you are becoming. Yes, there's a lot of shedding of the pieces of you that no longer fit with who you're becoming, and that can be quite painful. Yes, there's a lot of fear in losing so much of who you were to make way for you are on the way to becoming, and you may even miss out on the opportunities that you once relied on to help you stay consistent and successful. Even safe. But when you decide to take matters into your own hands and put yourself first and do the hard things, your younger self will be proud of you. Even amazed that you are even doing all of these hard things and showing up for yourself, something that your younger self may have not realized that it was possible to begin with. But always remember that when you're enjoying the person you're becoming, do things outside of your career that bring you joy, and remember your purpose, the art should always matter. Not the money. Not the fame. Not the awards. Not the stability. But the art. The very center of why the stories and messages matter so much in the performing arts. All of the other things you are going after? They're just the extras. But remember that the art and the stories matter the most. One more important note to leave you with, as it pertains to the current times. Elevating has been especially challenging for the arts lately, but also everywhere you go. So much uncertainty and unpredictability is causing companies and organizations to make some tough choices to keep their businesses and enterprises afloat, especially when it comes to finances. And it may involve relying on their heavy hitters, the ones with the most connections and assured reliability, to make a project or a show successful Even more than usual due to the reduction of funding and cutting corners to not end up in a large hole of a deficit. But it makes people who are trying to break out of their known circles into the newer circles and trying to make new connections & introductions have a harder time doing so because of not being able to get to the next step due to not being as known as the heavy hitters, or just not being able to fit the puzzles due to the outstanding circumstances surrounding our economy. Is it unfair? Hell yes! Does it speak on your talent or intelligence? Hell no! Does it hurt? Hell yes! Does that mean you may never work again? Hell no! Does that mean you may have to revert back to old habits and go back to familiar places just to get work (even if it's no longer good for you)? HELL NO! I'd like to be the one that's hopeful enough to know that this won't last forever, and that somewhere out there, there is an opportunity or moment coming that may just turn things around for you. And in this moment in time, you just have to continue to give yourself grace and take the time to slow down as you continue to find ways to keep showing up for yourself. It's okay to feel all of the emotions that come with this challenging time. No one is meant to venture forth in this life total heartless and without emotion. You will have to face all of the heartbreak and frustrations and sadness at some point... or you will be forced to face them head on. There's no in between. And something that I've been known to forget quite a bit lately: no one is alone. We're all going through this, even those who are booking the jobs regularly because they may be trying to get out of their known circles into new ventures, too. It may not feel like much to take time to slow down and take care of you, but it can make all of the difference in the world. Putting yourself and your needs first outside of your career may be the best thing you've ever done for yourself. And doing little things to keep on showing up for yourself in your career does make a difference, too. It may not seem like things are moving at the pace you want them to move, and I totally get that. You may not have all of the answers of what to do next or how to move forward. But moving at all is a whole lot better than standing still. And if you truly want to elevate yourself to the next phase of your career, you can't take the easy way out this time. You have to take it one step at a time... Literally. It will be worth it in the end. I may not see it right now, but somewhere down the road, I will remember that it was all worth it in the end. It truly does take a village. Be sure to support one another during these unprecedented times. You may never know how much a simple act of checking in with someone can mean to the other person. Take care of yourselves.