Heights Don't Matter As Much As Depths

There's a phrase that seems to make a lot of sense, and it doesn't always mean the weather: "In life, a little rain must fall." Or, if you give it the proper context from the 1842 poem "The Rainy Day" by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, "Into each life some rain must fall." Obviously, there seems to be a bit more rain in our lives these days, and it's hard to imagine just how bad it's raining whenever you pass by people on a regular basis. I mean, you always get the reminders of being kind to others, right? Because you never know exactly what that person is going through, and your inconsiderate nature may be just the thing the sets them over the edge. It can be easy to be inconsiderate of others, especially when you make it all about you. But it's still the same reminder: We are all going through something rough, whether that's short-term or long term. Even a bad day can set someone over the edge if they're not given the smallest bit of kindness. And while rain falls into our lives every now and then, it can feel like a torrential downpour when you're an actor or an artist. The endless rejections, no responses from follow-ups, not booking the role that could set you off for life, not being where you thought you would be right now, aging out of ingenue roles, getting sick before or during a show, a massive injury that sidelines you for an extended period of time, moving to or moving away from a new city for better opportunities (or the lack of opportunities), or even just life getting in the way... It all has a way of adding up... And making you feel chilled to the bone after getting caught in the rain without an umbrella. Believe me, I had that experience last weekend, and it's not a good feeling! But for this week's post, I want to take a look at a different type of rain that we encounter as artists, whether we know it right away or not. And that's being involved with a problematic show. A show that ends up not being so good for you - physically, mentally, emotionally, or even spiritually. Sometimes financially, when you think about it. We get that offer letter, and we're so excited to be doing this great play or musical, even if it's one that's been on our bucket lists for quite some time. And then we get into the rehearsals. You begin to notice some things being a little bit... Off. The way the director commands the room, and doesn't allow anyone else to talk, even offer suggestions or collaboration. The way the director or choreographer talks down to you like a child, or singles you out for doing something wrong and shames you in front of everyone in the room. Or even having a good idea that is deemed stupid. The way the actors sometimes ostracize you, or criticize you, or even threaten you. The way an actor or choreographer or director or producer can be a little bit too "hands on" with certain people. (And it's not pretty or comfortable.) The lack of structure or organization in rehearsals. The constant changing of blocking or choreography without having things be set so that there can be a proper rehearsal. The lack of leadership from the director or the creative team. No single idea coming together in a cohesive way to bring the show to life. Not enough communication from the production team to the artists. Bringing in actors who aren't ready to go on for a role in the principal or understudy cast, even though they've had time to prepare. And even when there are other actors who are willing to go on, the production team insists that the actor should still go on, and ruins the experience for everyone else. Not enough time to prepare materials, let alone rehearse, and making sure that everyone is on the same page. The director blaming everyone in the room for the way the rehearsals and the performances have turned out, and not taking accountability for their own actions and lack of leadership. Forcing performers to attend rehearsals and go on stage, even though their sick to their stomachs and can't keep anything down. Or even having COVID, which puts everyone at risk. Members of the artistic team or the board overlooking problematic individuals for the sake of putting on a good show to bring in audiences and money to keep their company & organization running. Not allowing the needs or the words of the artists to be heard when all of these bad things are happening, and if someone did speak out, they run the risk of losing their part in the show. Or worst, being blacklisted from ever working in their careers again. Jumping back into Longfellow's poem, "The Rainy Day," the main themes we see in the words actually make a lot of sense: "Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;

Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;

Thy fate is the common fate of all,

Into each life some rain must fall,

Some days must be dark and dreary." Like it or not, hard times are a part of our lives, and they are common, shared human experience. And the hardest part of seeing that there are hard times is the word acceptance. There are just going to be times when there are clouds filled with rain in our lives, and they can come down in torrential downpours. And it feels like it never ends. It can be just as bad for an actor & artist when they deal with an industry that has never been very kind, open-minded, and diverse to the wide range of talents in our respective fields - theatre, visual art, dance, music, literature, and more. Accepting that this industry is hard and that there are people who still believe that bullying others or taking advantage of others is the only way to get what they want. Along with not listening to others, or holding themselves accountable for their hazardous actions, let alone making an effort to change. And when you struggle to accept that in a show that has been so cruel to your mind, body, and spirit, it can really feel like an awful batch of rain that never ceases. You may even hear rumbles of thunder and see lighting strike if you hard enough. But just as there are periods of rain in our lives, we often forget that behind those clouds is the very thing that can remind us to not lose hope: The sun. It can dry away the rain, the puddles, and the tears. It can help things grow and flourish. It can also brighten our days, even when there seems to be nothing but rain going on in our lives. In life, a little rain must fall. In life, we get knocked down quite a bit, sometimes nonstop. In life, we have to experience the absolute worst shows in our careers that can try our very center of who we are. But the question isn't necessarily will the sun come out. But instead, the question is how will you rise above it all? And not just looking up... But looking down. And seeing who you can become when you look down... and allowing the experience to help you see what boundaries you need to set, what you need to do to move forward, and not letting the pain of a difficult show or project define your whole career. Let's dive into this, shall we? Don't forget your umbrella!

It's not a pleasant feeling to go into a show with so much hope and naiveté, only to come out from it quite scarred, battered, bruised, and even depressed. You put in so much work into your craft, and you end up in an environment that isn't safe for your mentally & emotionally. You wind up with people who are the absolute worst of the worst, and it makes even engaging with them a chore. And it makes you feel a little, no, very, unsure of yourself and if you'll ever get a chance to work in another show again... Especially after what you've experienced. Here's something to remember as actors & artists: No show will ever be perfect. Even the most well-oiled machines have their flaws, whether that's people calling out sick at the last minute or technical difficulties or something else. But when it comes to the people not being the very best to you in terms of how they operate, let alone how they treat others as beneath them or at least giving them the common courtesy of effective leadership... Man, that can be the worst feeling in the world. Sure, technical problems can be fixed by the time a show opens. Of course, costume malfunctions can be repaired in time for the next performance. And yes, we can ensure to have someone available to cover for you in the event of an illness or a planned absence (this should be a no-brainer for all theatre companies, but for some reason, not everyone seems to get that memo). But when it comes to people who are just plain cruel, despicable, or even sick... That show you've been counting on to be a great experience may just turn out to be among the worst ones you've ever had. It's a universal thing to be acknowledged that not all people are good, and not all people should be working in spaces where safety and the highest art form are valued. And that includes having people who aren't effective leaders - those who don't have a concrete vision and only pass it onto others to get the job done, or those who don't know how to guide actors in bringing their visions to life without having to constantly hold their hands, or those who constantly yell, berate, belittle, and even abuse others just to get what they want. Or even in some cases, those who use their powers to harm others in the form of assault or predatory practices, for the sake of "helping" actors & artists get to where they need to be. And even threatening them their careers or their lives if even one word of their encounter gets out in the open. And it's not just directors and producers. There can also be actors & playwrights who aren't always the nicest people to be around. They can be prima donnas and think of everyone else, including their fellow co-stars, as beneath them. They can be unprepared for rehearsals and cause things to be behind scheduled, and then be excused for being behind due to having "special treatment' (whatever that means. That's up for your own interpretation.). They can also be rigid and not be open to collaboration with other artists and creatives, or even adjusting blocking or lines in the show just to help things flow along. Or, in some cases, very powerful actors & writers can use their talents and skills to harm others in the form of assault or predatory practices, for the sake of "helping" new actors get to where they want to be. And even threatening to blacklist them should any of what happened got out to the public. And what's worse about all of these cases is this: Some theatre companies excuse their behavior because "they're the only ones available for the job," or "they're the best ones who can help bring in the audiences and the money," or "it's only for one show (which becomes multiple shows)," or "we can't afford to hire anyone else right now because of the budget," or even "we've removed the parties responsible, but we will still continue on with the show as planned." But beyond the people, shows aren't always going to be perfect due to the facilities not being updated to equip shows for what they need, or not hiring enough people - or even the right people - to help with set building, costume design, running the soundboard, or even selling the tickets. So, as you can see... Not every show will be perfect, but at it's core, it's the people involved that may be the root cause of why some shows will be tumultuous behind the scenes. And I'll let you in on a little secret - A lot of it has absolutely NOTHING to do with you. Even if others make you believe that's the case. It's just a sad reality that this industry still lets in powerful people who have the money and the prestige and the connections, but don't necessarily have the character to back it up. And it shows whenever people speak out about one of the cast members or members of the creative team or even members of the board sexually assaulting someone in the cast, and the company or organization tries to cover it up for the sake of "the show must go on." No one seems to know what it means to have an excellent judge of character anymore. And it shows... Even in recent years. Because despite the number of people who speak up about sexual predators and abusers and just downright cruel people who use their talents for harm more than good, there's always going to be more people out there who will back them up for the sake of maintaining a good image of their theatre company. Because, in case you haven't noticed, it's been a struggle to run a theatre company and organization these days. And the last thing some of them want to do is hold themselves accountable at the risk of losing the donors and grants and funding, even if it is in their best interests. Sometimes it's what happens behind the curtain that makes the show less fun and creatively fulfilling.. And not be seen in the light of day for the sake of a good image and excellent publicity and even substantial funding. Now, before I continue, I need you to do something for me. Take a deep breath in for four counts. Hold that breath for four counts. And exhale for four counts. And then hold for four counts. Do this again at least several times. Are you okay? Good. Because I know that was a lot, and I'm sure plenty of you have been knee deep in some really crappy shows and projects that were downright awful, even traumatic for you. And what I shared just now is a sad reality of an industry that has been a huge part of my life. The arts industry is messed up in a lot of ways, and even though progress has been made, there are still people out there who don't know any better and aren't holding themselves accountable for their harmful behaviors and actions. They believe that taking advantage of others is the only way to get what they want, when you & I both know that is absolutely not true. But I believe the part that we all struggle with the most is accepting that this industry is still broken, and many of us actors & artists are the ones that have to bear the brunt of this brokenness... Even when we just want to make art. Accepting the world as broken as it is right now, especially now with everything that's going on, sucks, quite frankly. After a pretty difficult show I was a part of last year, I was in a not-so-good headspace. I was recovering from the traumatic experience of it all, while also making sure I took steps to ensure that I would never get involved in such a disastrous project like that ever again. And then it happened when I was scrolling on social media, I came across a post that had something along the lines of feeling the usual post-show blues. I don't know if it was something that snapped inside of me or that I just genuinely wanted to ask this, but I decided to comment on the post. I asked what happens if a show hasn't been good to you. Do you get post-show blues then, or do you feel an immense relief of it being over? Along with all of the grief that came with the show not being everything you hoped it would be? To my surprise, the moderator replied that they would have a response the following day in a blog. And it's now published here for you to look at. The first thing that struck me was how we don't talk about the shows or projects that deeply hurt us or shook us to the core. It's expected that every project we do or every performance is a wonderful experience, even when there are long time theatergoers and donors attending to see how amazing the show was. You certainly don't want to tell them the real truth of how horrible the experience was. That would simply drive them away. And we can't allow that! Or worse still... It could lead you to being blacklisted from that specific theatre company or that individual or individuals you worked with. No, you're expected to be grateful for the opportunity, put on a smile, and graciously accept all of the praise from your adoring public... and possibly the theatre company, even if they may or may not know all of the details. But you know in your heart that this particular show or project really hurt you so badly. And you wish you could let the world know just how awful this experience was. And it made you feel like you just wasted your time in a space and environment that should've been better to you than what you got. So... How do you say goodbye to a show that wasn't very good to you? Starting with some raw honesty is a good place to start. You say goodbye by the way you allow yourself to grieve and process it all, and you do it without holding anything back. You allow yourself to be truthful to your feelings and how rotten the show treated you. And you can take all of the time you want. There's no time limit to how long you grieve. You mourn every single detail of the show you were a part of - the first day of rehearsals with the table read, the cast & crew who may have been treated just as badly as you, or maybe treated you poorly, the tech week, the previews, opening night, the performances leading up to closing night, the curtain calls, and even how you may have pushed through by only treating this particular project as a job, not something that would be a joy to be a part of. You mourn all of it, and you don't hold back. You deserved better than what you got, and you are allowed to grieve what you didn't receive in this journey. And it's okay to be sad and mad and frustrated for a very long time. And then, as the days pass, you slowly start to realize that this particular project or show doesn't define your whole career. Think of all of the other projects you got to be a part of that was SOOOOOOOOOO much better than this one. I'll bet they made you very happy and proud to be an actor & artist, and all of the hard work you put into making the show a success and memorable experience made you feel the joy you felt when you first started performing. You don't owe that one bad project, or multiple bad projects, a round of applause. You don't have to fake a smile or nostalgia once the curtain came down. Somehow, you find a way to hold your head up high and walk away from this disastrous project knowing that you survived a very difficult process, and you walked away from it with a very different kind of strength that not a lot of people say they have. And maybe, during the grief, your goodbye is a bit quieter than others. You don't share the post-show reflections on social media. You don't speak to the cast and crew members who may have been draining for you. You don't jump into another project right away. You might even take a break for a while, and you can control how long that break is. But one thing's for certain: Theatre is supposed to be a joyful experience, a collaborative one, even. And when that specific project or show robbed you of that, it's okay to feel all of the emotions from not getting what you deserved. Even expected. So, you make sure that the next one will have a much better experience than what you got from this project or show. You'll seek out the opportunities that are better for you. You'll make sure that your mental and emotional health are protected, along with your sanity. You'll make a promise that the next project will be good to you because you deserve a cast and a team that uplifts you, not tears you down. If you can't even get that in the form of an email or one-on-one conversation when you ask for a safe space or a supportive environment... Then it's time to look elsewhere. (Before I continue, I want to stress that some of you reading this week's post may have been in situations where you were unsafe or not supported. And my heart goes out to those of you who were in productions or projects that were unsafe for you. If you've experienced any form of harm or violence while on a project, please don't hesitate to speak up to your stage manager or Equity deputy [if the show has one] and address your concerns. You also have the right to go up to higher management, if it comes to this. You can also reach out to your respective unions to see if any action can be taken to resolve this. Your voice DOES matter, and so does your health and wellbeing. And many theatre companies do have Conflict Resolution guides and anti-harrassment policies that they need to abide by, but in the event that they don't or aren't following them, you do have the right to take action and report it. If all of these suggestions have been exhausted and nothing has changed, you do have the right to leave the show or project, even if you've already signed a contract. And if you are in crisis of some sort because of this, please make sure to call 988. Please remember that this week's blog post is still based off of my experiences and observations, and you are welcome to disagree with anything I've posted here or in my previous blogs. But I won't tolerate any disrespect, offensive language, or harmful online behavior. We all need to be kinder to each other, and learn to appreciate our differences and how beautiful they can be. If you can't do a simple thing like that, I will block you.)

"Into each life some rain must fall." The same applies to actors & artists who do this crazy thing for a living. And it can feel like torrential downpours when it seems like nothing is going right: Rejection after rejection, long periods of not working, being dropped from agencies, missing out on important life events, and even not being able to take care of yourself. But working on a horrific project? Whoo, that can really feel like a very cold rainstorm during the winter that makes your veins so icy you feel all of the pain that comes with it. There's no real joy when you're in the midst of a project or show that is downright awful. And once it's all over, you don't want to join in the fake cheeriness and reminiscing of the entire process. You just want to go home, curl up in a comfy blanket, and cry. Or even scream. Or even destroy your whole apartment. Or even go out on a rampage and possibly kill someone. (Well, maybe the last suggestion is a bit extreme, but you see my point.) Your career shouldn't have to hurt like this. You shouldn't have to leave a project feeling creatively unfulfilled and broken. You shouldn't have to have reminders of how valuable it is to look out for yourself and your best interests in the form of a director or creative team or even cast members acting like the exact opposite of who you want to become. But, alas. We have to have those opportunities. Otherwise, how will we go through life if all we get are the most wonderful shows and projects? And not find out who truly strong we are after enduring a tough project like this? It took me a whole year to grieve the rough show I was a part of from last year. I literally was piecing myself together and processing it all each day since the final performance, blog post included. But little by little, I discovered something about myself that I hadn't seen before. For starters, I discovered how I can still show up to rehearsals and performances like a consummate professional, even when there are people around me who aren't exactly the most professional, let alone courteous at what they're supposed to be doing. And then, I realized that I'm somehow keeping going in my career, and I didn't let this one project derail me from what I was called to do. Constantly questioning myself? Yes. Cried out for reassurance and support? Absolutely! But there was nowhere in my bones that had the word "quitter" written on them. I somehow believed that there was something better out there for me than what this one project did for me. And I had to keep going... Even if it meant crawling... very... slowly. I just couldn't stop. Not now. Then, and this a big realization for me: I finally understood what it meant to advocate for myself and my needs in the rehearsals and performances, even before we officially began. For the four projects and shows I booked after what happened last year, I made sure to email the casting team and creative team to let them know that I was involved in a project that was not good to me, or even safe for me, and I wanted to be ensured that I would get a safe and positive environment. If I wasn't going to get that from the casting offer, then I'm going to walk away from the offer. Pure and simple. I was no longer going to be taken advantage of, nor was my health and wellbeing going to be compromised ever again. I have a voice, and it was high time I started using it. Not yelling like a petulant child, but strong enough to make my voice heard. Even I was the only one. From there, the real work began of unlearning false beliefs, rewiring my entire body and system that makes things tick, learning new beliefs and affirmations that I've long thought weren't meant for me, establishing boundaries and learning to say "no" to what doesn't serve me, reflecting on where I've been and where I want to go, and simply putting myself first. And when I look back at how much I accomplished in the past year, I can barely recognize myself. Come to think of it, it took a Bible passage to help me finally snap out it after a year of grieving, almost like a rain shower to help me find a way forward and start to live in the present.

Because the Sovereign Lord helps me,

    I will not be disgraced.

Therefore have I set my face like flint,

    and I know I will not be put to shame. It's amazing how one bad show or project can force you to accept that the industry is pretty damaged... But also force you to see that you don't have to give into the damage. You are so much stronger than some of the perverted minds running the industry, even on a community theatre level. And when you've reached the top of whatever chasm you climbed out of, you can be sure you can look down and see what it took for you to keep climbing. How you weren't going to stay down in the depths forever and give up. It's not what you can find looking up that may allow you to persevere... But rather, what you've discovered while being in the depths to find the amazing individual you're meant to become. And from there, that helped you start to slowly move forward. You knew you had to find a way out, and by God, you found it by simply keeping going. You have a strength that so many people are in awe of, even when you show up barely holding it together. It's something that can be hard to grasp day in and day out, even for yours truly. But you are a damn good actor & artist... And you are also a damn beast for your strength after everything you went through. Come on. Let's be beasts together. And become the forces to be reckoned with... We'll be UNSTOPPABLE.