Let Me Hear Your Body Talk

Well, I guess the cat's out of the bag. Around 11 months ago, I decided to take a special journey. And it's one that we all have a tendency to take at least once in our lives, if not multiple times. I decided to take better control of my health - physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and financial. Emphasis on the physical part. Because when you start to focus on your physical health the most, the rest of your health and wellbeing start to follow, or at least coincide with each other to help you feel more confident and sure of yourself. For me, this physical health journey was different from the last one I took roughly five years ago because it wasn't just wanting to lose the extra pounds I've gained... But it was to gain something more from the weight loss. And that's myself. I've somehow regained the over 7o pounds I lost back in 2021 with a little thing called life getting in the way, but I've also seemed to gain something else that made things extra heavy. Anxiety. Stress. Doubt. Carrying other's problems and responsibilities, even though they weren't mine to carry. Cowardice. Multitasking to the point of being frazzled. Being quiet to keep the peace. Not listening to my body and what it needs to function. Not having control over my emotions and reactions, especially on social media. Going on social media, even when I'm not feeling great and would only feel worse when I do get on. Saying yes to everything and anything out of fear of being worthless... or not being able to ever work again. Not listening to my own voice... but listening to the outside voice of others and the world around me. Not holding myself accountable for my past actions and habits... and not making an effort to change them but instead blaming others. I seemed to have carried much of these extra weights with me for much of my life - over 25 years, to be exact, and I knew that I had to somehow let them get off of my back, my mind, my heart, and my soul. I was just always so hesitant and scared to do so. Because of the idea that things seemed to happen when I stuck with who I became over the past 25 years, which in my eyes, didn't seem to be bad. Reliable. Strong. Brave. Proficient. Intelligent. Eager. Creative. Exuberant. Passionate. Gracious. Considerate. Independent. Wise. But when you turn some of those words on its head, you get some unexpected synonyms and antonyms underneath those excellent qualities, like... People pleaser. Doormat. Mousy. Flunky. Apple polisher. Out of control. Hurt. Worn out. Frustrated. Complacent. Stagnant. Lost. Resigned. Seen but not heard. Yeah. When those admirable words have a hidden, sometimes unknown, context, it makes you stop and question what the heck you have been doing for much of your life. And the moment you need to stop doesn't always happen on your own timing. It can often come when you least expect it, whether you want it to come or not. And when it does come, boy, it can throw you for a loop! At least that's what happened to me. It had to take one major bad event for me to see that something had to change, because the smaller bad events didn't seem to knock enough sense into me. In fact, they made me feel worse and question everything I've done, and if the steps I took were actually good enough. Or even the right ones to take at all. I didn't actually listen to my own voice in all of the din, and that one bad event was the one that got my attention. It not only got the attention of my mind and heart and soul, but it also got the attention of my body. And how tense, broken, and even heavy it was. This wasn't normal, and I couldn't keep doing this for the rest of my life. So what does one do when you realize that something needs to change for your health, and the things you've been doing are no longer serving you? Well... Let's find out together. Shall we?

Yeah, that's me. That was the first day of my weight loss journey 11 months ago. Well, my health and wellness journey, to be precise. Because this wasn't just about me losing all of the excess weight I've gained. It was also about reclaiming myself again... Who I was before I started people pleasing, working myself to the bone on an empty gas tank, and just plain putting others first before making sure I was okay. I had to do the hardest thing ever known to man (the easiest thing for the egotists and arrogant fools out there): And that's putting myself first. Saying yes to me, myself, and I. And saying no to things and people that no longer serve me or my health & wellness. If you recall from previous posts, I grew up in an abusive household, which has caused me to act out and have plenty of other issues growing up. But that also meant that I had to do a whole ton of people pleasing and putting other's needs before my own in order to make sure there wasn't any more tension than there was at home. And that caused me to carry a substantial amount of weight over the years that had gotten so heavy, I didn't even have the strength to let it all go. Because no matter how hard I tried to stand up for myself and speak up for my needs, there was always going to be that one person who would put me back in my place for calling me out for being too emotional or pushing their problems back on me. 😎👍 The never ending cycle of abuse... (sigh) As you can see, it's never easy to let go of all of the weight of people pleasing, abuse, and basically making yourself a martyr or offer yourself as tribute in order to keep things flowing along... While also running out of gas to the point of being dangerously unable to function. But it wasn't just the behaviors of others that I carried all of these years. It was the habits I developed because of their behaviors I carried as excess weight for a long time. Specifically not speaking up until it got the point where I exploded. Or thinking that I could read other people's minds and figure out what they need. Or taking advantage of people's kindness as a form of superstition because I never got the kindness from within my own family. Or lamb blasting on social media instead of thinking before I post. Or even just not going on social media at all when I'm having a bad day. And so much more. I never really held myself accountable for my habits, or even made a concrete effort to change after being called out for them. And that is an especially heavy weight to carry... Because you know in their heart they're right. But you also don't know where to start with that accountability, or even let the message ring in your ears loud and clear to get to the moment when the light bulb goes on over your head. So, what did it take for me to finally realized that it was time to let go of these excess weight I've been carrying all these years, along with losing the extra pounds I gained these past few years? Honestly? It took small, traumatic, and pretty bad experiences for me to see that something had to change. But what really happened was one really bad experience that was the wakeup call for me. Let's just say it came in the form of a particularly chaotic and traumatic show I was a part of a year ago. And how it forced me to see what could happen if I settled for anything less than what I truly deserve... And how the weights I've carried are no longer mine to hold onto. Rather than describe it in full detail, I'll copy the post here for you to look at. But I will say this: If it wasn't for that one bad experience to force me to actually see that I cannot keep doing this - Settling for anything and everything, even if it's not what I need, Carrying other's problems and issues as my own, Fixing every problem, even if it wasn't mine to fix, Groveling or reverting back to my old self whenever someone called me out for asserting myself, Taking on every single role and opportunity just to keep working and being grateful for what I get, even if it's less than ideal, Not speaking up for what I need (and not just using emails or texts all of the time), Pushing my body onto another task or duty when I'm running on empty, Accepting people's belittling or tone of voice or criticism as good for me or necessary for my career growth, Being taken advantage of for being so kind and willing to help others, even at my own expense, Doing what I know makes me unhappy but wanting to be useful and on good terms with others and not cause conflict, And not holding myself accountable for not making those changes to the habits and behaviors I developed over the years - I wouldn't be on this health and wellness journey that's been long overdue for quite some time now. I probably would be doing the same things just to keep things normal. But here's the reality (sad as it is): Things are not normal right now, for obvious reasons. And that includes me. What I experienced a year ago was not normal, nor should it ever be normal. And that was my wakeup call to make some serious changes. The very first thing I did before I even got started with exercising was doing something that I haven't done in a LONG time, and that's allowing myself to be selfish. And that came in the form of an overnight trip to NYC to do what I wanted to do. In this case, it was walking around Central Park, performing in a cabaret & singing the songs I wanted to sing, walking around NYC at night and seeing Times Square in all it's glory, finding some good Thai food, enjoying breakfast outside the next day, having a fun photoshoot in Times Square, doing some shopping at Bloomingdale's, going to see a Broadway show I always wanted to see, and just allowing myself to be content for once. I actually got the chance to do what makes me happy, and not give a fudge about what other people thought. And it felt damn good to do that. So... This is what it feels like to put yourself first. Not caring about what others think or feel. Doing what makes you happy. Treating yourself to good food. Allowing yourself to breathe and relax. It felt nice. It felt SO nice. Actually, it felt... WONDERFUL. I knew I had some serious catching up to do. Putting myself first didn't stop at the overnight trip to NYC. Because the real work began the following week when I started my workout program. For me, it's an aerobic walk at home exercise program that helped me shed all those pounds years earlier, and got me results. But this time, it was a little different this go round. I not only used the program, but I also added a fitness and health app to my phone to track my progress, and actually see what I'm eating and what I need to eat to make it a full serving. Because Lord knows I'm guilty of having more than just one serving in a single sitting... And believe me, those calories DO add up! You'd be surprised at how many calories, fat, sodium, and sugar are in a single serving of some foods, and how you may have to adjust your serving size to make sure that you're staying healthy and not overindulge too much. But it's more than just counting calories, maintaining three meals a day, and logging in your exercise regiment. My weight loss and wellness journey had something special added: It was taking the time to allow my body to heal and recover from all of the excess weight I've carried over the years. But it wasn't the physical pounds that needed to be trimmed, firmed, and maintained, along with the recovery from the workouts. It was my mental, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing that needed a bit of a workout. You see, when you've been in a traumatic household and had many experiences that stressed you out or made you anxious, your body has a tendency to go into fight or flight mode quite frequently, possibly every day. You can feel it in your back, especially the shoulder area, when it's all tense and rigid in an anxious state of being. Your heat accelerates, even when there's no danger present. The mind races with worries and all of the worst possible outcomes that could happen to you, however unlikely it may be. You live in your mind because that's the most sane place that makes the best sense for you. And then there's the added upset stomach, headaches, trouble breathing, and fatigue. Your body is always tense and anxious and out of sorts, and whenever you try to calm it down, something happens or someone triggers your response to a point where it feels impossible to feel, even remotely believe, that you're safe. It's the same with pets, too. When they're in an unsafe environment with abusive owners or no food or proper living situations, they get scared and anxious, too. And their bodies can go into fight or flight mode. So, how does one get out of the fight or flight mode and get their body to actually relax? Well, if you want my honest opinion... Doing what truly makes you happy is a good place to start. And that also means listening to your body and what it needs. One important aspect of my health and wellness journey is taking the time to acknowledge and give what my body needs through listening and understanding it. That's something some of us forget to do when we're working out... Or doing anything OTHER than workouts. There have been days when I would push through the exhaustion and stress while running on empty, and my body will make sure to tell me that it didn't like it the next day, most times in the form of not having enough energy to do anything I needed to accomplish. But then there are just days where I always felt...

Threatened. Scared. On edge. Uncomfortable. And I didn't listen to my body, even when it told me not to do this or that or was always scared of being in new situations or even familiar places because of the lack of familiarity and stability growing up. In a sense, it felt like my body was always broken and being patched up with bandaids, only for it to burst open again the next day when I have to put my body through the same thing over and over again. My body was never at peace, and I was unsure that it could ever get to that place. Starting my workouts and actually putting myself first helped change that. Was it easy? Of course not!

I had to do a lot of accountability on myself behind the scenes, while also making some small changes here and there to make sure my needs were met. It was in the form of silencing notifications on my phone, limiting my time away from emails and not constantly pressing the refresh button, listening to calm songs and meditations, not always going on social media when I wasn't into it that day, journaling, long talks with my therapist, spending time in silence to hear my thoughts, give myself hugs, say encouraging things to myself, learning how to say affirmations, allowing others to take some of the responsibilities and duties at my job and being okay with that, speaking up when I'm hurt... And then there was the workouts that helped strengthen my body, long walks included. You never know what a difference a long walk with good music can make for your body, mental & emotional health included. Then it happened one day, where I was riding the metro, and I just noticed my back for the first time in weeks. It wasn't on edge, nor was it bleeding after being patched up again (not literally, mind you). It wasn't stressed. Because for the first time in who knows how long, my body was at... PEACE. It was actually healing. And it felt wonderful. I didn't have to carry all of the weight that was never meant for me to carry. I didn't have to be so self-conscious or people pleasing anymore. I didn't have to be constantly like a deer caught in headlights or a scared rabbit every single waking moment. Not when I can put myself and my body first for the first time in who knows how long. (coughs 25 years coughs) There's something to be said about making sure your body, mind, and soul are at peace, and how freeing it is not to be so anxious or on edge all of the time. But there's also something about finally taking the time to recognize and learn what your body needs in order to function... And not having the outside world make it harder for you to actually listen to your body talking to you. Or wait until it's too late. What does it look like to listen to your body? Well, for me personally, it's actually getting reacquainted with my body, mind, and soul all over again. There are times when I'm one with my body when I'm energized and can go great distances without getting tired. And then there are times when my feel will tell me that it needs air after being in shoes for much of the day in the form of breathing coming from my feet to feel freedom for the first time all day. Or when it's cold and it needs something warm in order to be comfortable, whether it's cozy socks or a warm blanket. Then there are times when I feel my emotions get a bit unstable if I haven't eaten anything in a while, especially when I start to take things personally or what was said directly to me or implied indirectly to me in the wrong way. And it could also come in the form of my stomach growling & it needs nourishment. Then when I'm tired, my eyes feel so heavy life weights that just want to clamp down and rest. And my body starts to slow down and can feel the lethargy and slowness of reactions and making sense of things after a long day. Then there's the slight twinge of pain in my back when I'm sitting in the wrong position... or just plain sitting too long. I can definitely feel that in my derriere when I'm sitting in an uncomfortable chair. Then there are the times when you get some bad news, and your body immediately starts to feel heavy and sad. And then you feel the buildup of tears in your eyes that you just have to let out. You can definitely feel the weariness of your muscles after doing lunges and squats... sometimes multiple times in a row! Or, you can feel the weariness of your muscles when you workout first thing in the morning, sometimes known as feeling the burn. And believe me, you definitely feel the burn! In that case, my body is telling me to slow down and be okay with sitting down for a bit to just breathe and recover for a little bit. And that can be in the form of eating something, drinking water, or just being in the moment. And then there are times when I'm in an unknown place or situation, and I can feel the slight tension and tightness in my back, and that's my body telling me that it's not in its usual place and it's scared. Well, in that case, that's when I take deep breaths, while also making sure I'm aware of my surroundings. Even when I'm riding on the metro. Once I get back to places I remember, then I can start to relax a little bit. While it's especially true at night, I've been seeing that it's happening during the day as well. Even now as the weather is warm. But still, I remember to take in the fresh air and breathe. Once I'm back in a safe space or a familiar route, my back knows when it's at peace when I can actually relax and breathe normally without the tension. It doesn't feel the strain or the constant breathing just to calm it down. You can also definitely feel the pain in your body when you hit it hard with something, like a heavy book your toe, or someone else rushing past you, or even a slap across the face. You can feel the pain. OUCH! And then there's the times when you feel good about yourself after saying positive affirmations several times a day or speaking kindly to yourself. You can feel the pride in your chest bubble up, until it reaches your mouth in the form of a smile. Being a good listener helps, don't you think? Especially when it comes to loving yourself and your body first. (This week's blog post deals with many aspects of physical, mental, and emotional health. However, I am not a licensed professional nor do I know very many things about the medical profession. If you are interested in starting a weight loss journey, be sure to consult a licensed doctor or medical professional to help you with all of the information and steps needed to be taken to do your weight loss journey safely. Likewise, if you are struggling with mental and emotional health, please reach out to a licensed therapist or psychiatrist to help you get the care you need to heal and be in a better state of mind through therapy and possibly medication. NEVER take medication that has not be prescribed to you, nor rely solely on information from the internet. If you are struggling with suicidal or are in crisis due to mental & emotional health, please do not hesitate to contact 988. These are just my thoughts and observations on my own health and wellness journey, and you are welcome to disagree with anything and everything I've said here and on my previous blogs. What I won't tolerate, however, is any form of offensive language, disrespectful commentary, or harmful words that are meant to divide us. We all have to learn to live with each other and appreciate our differences. If you can't do a simple thing as that, I will block you.)

Yeah. That's me today: Over fifty pounds lighter after 11 months of consistent workouts. But more importantly, I am healing in body, mind, and spirit. My body is no longer as tense as it used to be, and I'm making sure I provide the things my body needs in order to function. Like food for when I need nourishment to sustain my energy. Sometimes treating myself when my body would like something special from the norm. Rest when my body needs to slow down or recover from a stressful day or an intense workout. Fresh air and sunshine when my mind and spirit needs to be de-jumbled and come up with solutions for a tricky situation that needs to be figured out. And even some time dancing when no one's watching... It's nice to get your groove on every now and then! So what does one need to do in order to actually listen to their body when going through a health and wellness journey that's similar to my own? Well... You start small. I started with a 30 day program with workouts that were 30 minutes long for six weeks, and that already made a difference. Then, I began to add more time and more difficult exercises a little at a time to build up my stamina and endurance. And then, I uploaded a fitness app to track what I ate and the exercises I did. But after that? Well, that's where the real work begins. It's one thing to focus on the physical aspect of your health and wellness journey, but what about the mental & emotional aspects? Don't they matter, too? Of course! Especially when you're in the process of learning to love and care for yourself first. Moira from Schitt's Creek had the right idea when she said that she pays attention to the speech on planes: You put your mask on first in the event of an emergency. If you try to remotely put on other's masks before your own... Well, you figure it out. What does it look like to take care of yourself mentally & emotionally alongside the physical health? In my case, it's a lot of unlearning, unpacking, undoing, and relearning things. Sometimes all at once. You start to hold yourself accountable for past actions and behaviors, and you make every attempt to correct yourself by learning new beliefs, new habits, and new ideas that are actually good for your life. In essence, you're rewiring your mind, heart, and soul from the false truths and instilling new truths and beliefs about yourself day by day. And it can look like repeating a positive affirmation or mantra. Or spending some time away from social media so you won't be distracted. Or spending some time in the quiet to actually hear yourself in the silence and away from the distractions. Or it could be gong outside for fresh air and some much needed vitamin D, aka sunshine. Or it's journaling. Or it's learning to comfort and love your younger self that didn't get much of those things, while also learning to move forward with where you are and where you're going to. Mental, emotional, and physical health go hand-in-hand, don't you think? As you start to focus on the physical health, the mental and emotional health come along for the ride, and you start to feel better with every pound lost, and every step you take outside on your walks. But it's also taking the time to listen to the whole body as you go on this journey. Especially as you love yourself first. It's learning when you need to rest, or when you want to be active. It's seeing when you are stressed and feeling it in your chest. It's allowing yourself times to grieve and process when things get too heavy. Or you need to forgive yourself of past behaviors and beliefs you've held onto for a long time. It's giving yourself grace as you give to yourself and see how valuable it is to put yourself first. After so many years of putting others first before yourself, it can be overwhelming to start. My advice? Start small. And celebrate each victory and positive moment in your life that can help propel you forward. Little by little, add more resources and learn new habits in order to be more healed physically, mentally, and emotionally. It can be a freeing experience to notice when your body is healing. And your mind & soul, too. Your body can be an amazing thing to have when you learn how take care of it properly, and make sure that your needs are met. But also remember that pushing through to the point of exhaustion is not exactly a good form of loving yourself first. Your body WILL tell you when it needs a break or needs to recover. The last thing you want to do is to find out the hard way. And make sure to forgive yourself and give yourself all the grace in the world as you're learning about the amazing human being that you are, and what you can accomplish. Because you can accomplish so many things when you put your mind to it. Before I forget, I will let you know that doing things for me hasn't been easy. There are times when I still struggle with saying no for the sake of my health and sanity, while also making sure that I'm comfortable with myself and okay with not being the person I was before. And then it's figuring out how to allow yourself to be okay with doing things for you, while also trying things you've always wanted to do, no matter how uncomfortable it may be. Once again, I've found that starting small helps. And giving yourself grace and forgiveness is key, too. Do the things and activities you know can bring you joy, and don't be deterred by other's judgment. They may not understand, but you do. You cannot allow others to control what you do and what you love to do. Just like you can't allow others to be the loud voices in your mind and heart telling to shrink back and take care of other things before taking care of yourself first, if at all. The idea of loving ourselves has often been equated to being selfish, and the last thing we want to be is selfish. Well, there's a fine line to being selfish and being a jerk. While it's okay to be selfish to yourself and allowing yourself the pleasure of doing things you want to do and eat the things you want and more, it's not okay to be selfish all the time and ONLY think of yourself and not others. That's called being a jerk, and we have more than enough jerks in this world as it is. No one is asking you to be a jerk. Not one bit! But my body is asking me to make sure that I'm selfish just enough to make sure that my needs are met first before making sure other's needs are met. It's been said time and time again: You can't pour from an empty cup. And after 25 years... I'm more than happy to pour into my own cup first for a change. And allow it to overflow to the brim. Now, if you'll excuse me... I think my body is telling me that it's a lovely day outside and walking would be a wonderful thing to do. So, I'm listening to my body and going out for a walk. Ciao!