Getting Lost Is the Best Thing That Could Happen to Me...

Well, this week marks my return to my acting career after taking much of July off, and as you can probably imagine, it was much-needed... Because somehow even as I was enjoying the A/C, sweaty, leisurely strolls, and catching up on things that I've been putting off, I still had an opportunity find its way to me and I was back in a working vacation. Yup, I got cast in another show! Granted, it's nothing big, but it's still a fun experience putting a new show on its feet and creating a new character. Not a lot of actors can say they've done that for themselves in their career. Even still, it's been a learning experience to see how the mind of a writer/director works (sometimes not in a way that's coherent to us actors), and how the cast has to work together to make this show everything we want it to be... All the while looking forward to whatever comes next for our careers. You know how I said that even as I take breaks things have been finding their ways to me? Well, somehow, there were shows and projects I wanted to be a part of or get invited to submit that somehow found their way into my inbox that I decided to submit for. (I will add that I've been getting better at not submitting for every show or project that doesn't bring me joy or even the tiniest bit of curiosity just so that I don't get burned out further than I already am.) There wasn't a lot of work involved since I had past self-tapes from earlier in the year that I used to submit, along with my headshot and resume, so I was still technically on my break. And even still, I didn't think much of it... Or least I thought I didn't think much of it. Whenever I get invited to audition or callbacks, I get a bit excited at the prospect of working on my next show following the one I've worked on because of how consistent I've been lately. And then, those rejections come my way, and all of those dreams come crashing down... again. It's funny how that happens. No matter how many times you put it out into the universe, pray, reflect, think positively, or do anything to let go of the result and hope for the best, sometimes things don't always work out the way you want them to, even if it's a project or opportunity you really want to be a part of. Even if it's all for the better that this project doesn't work out, it still hurts. And sometimes just sitting with those feelings can be the hardest thing to do. My ratio of getting auditions and callbacks has a tendency to be greater than getting the roles (even the best actors can tell you that), even if you're doing all of the behind the scenes work of mental, emotional, and spiritual healing from past habits and experiences that no longer serve you. Maybe it's all of those pieces that no longer serve you that are still falling off that's keeping you from getting more work... Or maybe it's not your time yet to get that role or work with that company... Or maybe it's too much for you and your schedule and you're getting a break from consistently getting work... Or maybe it's all of the above... Or maybe it's something entirely different. The truth is, we may never know why certain projects and opportunities don't work out for us, even if we ask for feedback. And it's easy to feel this way after going to numerous auditions and not getting the results you want, no matter how hard you're working. You could say you might feel a little bit... LOST. Can I share with you a secret? Sometimes, it's hard to us to accept how things go as an actor, even when we have the most positive attitudes and find ways to bounce back so we don't get crushed every time we get a rejection. Because sooner or later, those rejections can add up and it can be a lot for us to handle. It's especially difficult when you're doing your absolute best under the most stressful of circumstances and everything that life throws at you, and you still have to seemingly put on a brave face while also mourning and making sense of it all on the inside. Maybe it's just as actors that we tend to care about each opportunity that comes our way, and hopes that this is the one that could give us the big break that we so desperately need and change our lives for the better. Let's face it - we don't always work every single day of the year, and for those who do, they're lucky (or made their own luck by making their own content and having side jobs to sustain them). We just want to do what we love, which is be creative all of the time, and when the work doesn't come all of the time, that's when it gets to be tricky. Not to mention challenging on our mental and emotional health. Sometimes, as we go about our lies doing auditions and callbacks and submissions and everything in between, we kind of start wondering about many things. Like... What now? What's next? Why? How much longer? Am I good enough? Do I have what it takes? Am I meant to be here, or somewhere else? Why have others had successes and I haven't? Why didn't this work out for me? Where am I supposed to be? Do I still want to do this? When will things get easier? Is my hard work going to pay off someday? What's the point? Where am I now? And you know what's hard about these questions? Sometimes the answer isn't readily available, apart from the usual "you've got this!" or "keep going!" or "it'll turn out all right in the end." And it's even harder when you've been doing this for years and you still haven't figured out the answers. Sometimes being lost can do a number on our mental, emotional, and even spiritual well-being. But it can also force us to do the one thing that's often the scariest: Be still. Reflect. Meditate. Pray. Just stop. In this world, stopping is not highly valued in the theatre industry, yet also encouraged when we're at our lowest. It's a conundrum like I've never seen before. Being lost isn't exactly the greatest way to go about life... But maybe, just maybe, being lost can be just the thing to put things into perspective and even give you the direction you need, even if it's just a small direction on your compass.

I had a rather... interesting audition several weeks ago. And it's one that still stings quite a bit. It all started when I submitted a self-tape for a project that was a little bit out of my reach to get to, and I was under the impression that my self-tape was enough for the audition. However, several days later, I get a phone call from the director asking me why I hadn't showed up for my in-person audition that day. One that I had no idea that they scheduled or even asked me if I was available to attend. I replied that I wasn't able to attend the audition due to a rehearsal and I was under the impression that my self-tape was enough for the audition. The director seemed satisfied and ended the call. The next day, however, the director called me again and asked me about the audition that I missed the previous day. I repeated what I had said, while also stressing that getting to the audition via public transportation was not feasible. The director then asked me if I could come in on Saturday in the morning, and I said yes. Well, I had to scramble to come up with the funds for the Uber and allow myself at least an hour to arrive at the audition on time (which I did), and prepare my monologue. I arrived at the audition, did my monologue, and then was told "thank you for coming." It took all of my professionalism to not cry and scream in front of them after what I had to do to get to that audition. Not to mention what they put me through... I definitely feel a lot of regret over not seeing the flags sooner and not going through with this, especially over the lack of communication and extreme lack of organization. But I also felt something else as I was on my way back home, trying hard not to cry... Frustration. Call me crazy, but when you're in year eight of your professional acting career, you shouldn't be in places where your time is wasted... Nor should you still be having a hard time getting your foot in the door in all the rooms you want to be in so badly. But that's where yours truly is, and it's not exactly how I planned things for year eight. I mean, granted, I'm having much more success this year in procuring roles than last year, and more opportunities have opened up than I've ever imagined. But still, I'd like to be in the places where I know my career can at least take off like a rocket, and it seems like no matter how hard I try, I just can't make that next step or get to the door that seems to be closed no matter how many times I've knocked and told them that I'm worthy of a shot. And the fact that others are making it there before me is a conundrum if I've ever seen it. It makes a lot of my recent successes minuscule in comparison to the rest of my tribe. Sort of makes me measure my successes through others and getting embittered every time I see their pictures and statuses and praise in reviews and hear the endless compliments from others. And it's not a pleasant feeling to have. Does this sound familiar? If it does, then I'm so glad that I'm not alone in this. You're at a point in your career where you should further along than where you are now. You start comparing yourself to others and feel so much resentment and jealousy over their successes. You can't get in the rooms you want to be in and wonder if this is even a good idea to keep trying. You have to settle for smaller roles, or roles with smaller companies, or even non-paying opportunities just to say you're working. You start questioning every step you take, and no matter how many people you've asked for advice, you can't get a definite answer on what you're doing wrong and you're just as confused and flabbergasted as they are. You find yourself barely hanging in there day in and day out, and you just want to scream, cry, punch a pillow, just let it out of your system but can't find anyone else to share it with. If you're feeling any of those things, then congratulations! You're officially lost! So, the question is... How do you get unlost? Well, it's not as clear as you'd think it would be... And surprisingly, you may have to stay lost for a while to find a way out, er, forward. One of my favorite animated films is Cars from Disney/Pixar, and it involves a hotshot racer named Lightning McQueen who ends up lost in a small roadside town off of Route 66 called Roadside Springs, and all he wants is to get out of this forsaken place so he can attend a big race in LA and win all of the fame and glory that he's dreamed about. Well, as fast as he wants to get out of Roadside Springs, something happens to him as he's spending time there. Lightning starts to discover there's more to life than speeding towards all of the fame and glory he's dreamed about every day (or as he puts, eating losers for breakfast).

He begins to unlearn all of what was taught to him about racing and life. He takes the time to get to know the community and the people he was busy trying to avoid (I think he and Mater went to do something like cow tractor tipping one night and ended up getting chased by a humongous bull tractor!), and sees them as happy and thriving in their circumstances. He falls in love. He starts to respect history and tries to bring a bit of joy to the roadside town. Lightning McQueen started to slow down and actually see the person, er, car he was meant to become. Not some hotshot racer who doesn't care about others or the small businesses that helped him get to where he is now, but someone who takes the time to help others and be respectful of those who came before him. You could say that Lightning McQueen found himself, which brings me to an important point: One of my favorite songs from the soundtrack is "Find Yourself" by Brad Paisley, and there's some lyrics from the chorus that is hitting me especially hard in a deep and profound way: 🎶 When you go through life

So sure of where you're headin'

And you wind up lost

And it's the best thing that could have happened

'Cause sometimes when you lose your way

It's really just as well

Because you find yourself

Yeah, that's when you find yourself 🎶 Sometimes, being lost is the best opportunity to find out who you truly are... Even in the midst of pain and frustration, we discover that some of the lessons we've been taught, the pieces of ourselves we've been carrying for a long time, and the people we surround ourselves with no longer serve us and it's time to let them go. Those pieces of yourself you've had for a long time? They're being broken and ripped from you to make room for who you're meant to become. Those doctrines and teachings you've been following to a T? They're being thrown out and replaced with new lessons that better serve you and who you're meant to become. The people and places you've been going to and seeing on a regular basis? You're being introduced to new faces and places that help you see the world differently and help make you who you're meant to become. As someone who's currently going through this, there will be some bumps, a whole lot of frustration, quite a bit of pain, and a ton of questioning everything you've been taught and ever known. But here's something I've had to be reminded of constantly: This, too, shall pass. It will get better and you will start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. You may not be the exact same person you once were, but it may be for the best. Sometimes, the clear path towards finding out where you're going is getting lost to find out where you're going. We think we have a set path of where we want to go, but a little thing called life tells us otherwise. We may have to slow down, take a step back, and rethink what matters to us in order to rediscover our purpose. Not only that, we have to shed the parts of ourselves that no longer matter to us in order to grow. The growing pains are the hardest part, but they're the most important. What's getting lost without discovering who you really are, and leaving some preconceived thoughts, ideas, and dreams behind? Not to mention the idea of knowing exactly where you're going and how it's all going to work out? (As I'm still recovering from burnout and learning and unlearning some things, this week's post may be a bit tender for people who are just as lost as I am. But remember this: these are my thoughts, opinions, and observations. You are welcome to disagree on anything I've said in this week's post or previous blog posts. What I won't tolerate is any hate speech, offensive language, or general disrespect towards myself or anyone else. Just because you're lost doesn't give you the right to mistreat anyone here without their consent. If you can't find your way out of being unkind, I will block you.)

Believe it or not, I've found some good things while being lost. For instance... I can now take action for my mental and emotional health when I need to step away from my emails and social media instead of pushing through and making myself more worse. I don't submit for every single audition or submission if it doesn't bring joy or the tiniest bit of curiosity to try and see what happens. I don't always go to takeout to help comfort me, but rather go outwards - literally! - to museums, parks, art galleries, and more. I set timers on how long I can memorize lines or read books so I won't get overwhelmed or stressed. I get objective eyes to help me with my acting to help encourage me to keep going and also let me know I'm on the right track. I can finally pray to God with questions - I was originally told that asking questions is wrong for Christianity, but was proven otherwise that God listens to our doubts and wants to hear our questions. I'm learning to give myself extra grace and allowing to feel all of my emotions, even the ones that hurt the most, in order to tell myself that I'm okay. They may not be the biggest victories, but compared to where I was over six months ago, they're paramount to my healing and rediscovering who I am. Sometimes the extra rest and reflections do make a difference. Does that mean my life is going great, even though I'm lost? Well, not exactly. There are still some days when I get overwhelmed by the curveballs that life throws at me to the point where I lose motivation to do anything else, even if it means pushing through and giving only the best 25% of your life possible. There are still days when I get frustrated with where I am, even regress back into old patterns, and wonder when it will all be over when I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do. There are times when I somehow forget how tired I am and how much I need all of the rest and recovery, and wonder when I'll be back to my 100% self. There are moments where I regress into old patterns and habits out of fear and security when everything seems to be falling apart. Being lost, or in some cases, finding yourself, is messy and turbulent, not a straight line like we think it should be. And there will be days when we wonder if it's all worth it. The answer is always YES. You may have to take things a little bit more slowly than normal, or even take advantage of the days off to rest, reflect, and even just be in the moment to find gratitude, hope, and some clarity by looking back and seeing how far you've come. Looking back is always the hardest part because of so much regret, anger, and despair... But it's the most important part of being lost. Because that's when we rediscover who we are - Our strengths, weaknesses, capabilities, and purpose. Sometimes the strongest thing we can do when we're lost is admit that we're lost, and that is never weakness. It just means that you're not satisfied with where you are, what you were taught, and even who you are in the moment, and you want to move forward. Being lost is not so terrible, when you think about it. In fact, it could be the best thing that could happen to you. You may just find out who you really are, and rediscover who you're meant to become. "Feeling lost is not a sign of weakness, but a sign that you are ready for a new adventure."