"I Would Like to Thank..."

December can be viewed as quite the month for a lot of people. Obviously, it's because of the holiday season - Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, New Year's Eve, and many more holidays in between. But it's also the time of month when people start to plan for next year - New goals, as it were. It's the month where we look back at what worked and what didn't work. What we accomplished and what we still need to work on. What happened that went so well, and what happened that made us wonder, "what the hell were we thinking?!" It's the month where we can finally say, "it was a great year!" Or we can say "good riddance!" (Or even some more colorful words to describe a dumpster fire of a year.) But no matter what, December is the time to really get lost in the season, look forward to spending the holidays with loved ones (or spending time making sure that you're doing well this holiday season, and that your mental and emotional needs are met. And that sometimes means not doing the traditional holiday things many of us do.), and take one last glimpse into the old year before we head into a new year. Especially as we get into the last weeks of December. We're ramping up our new year's resolutions, becoming more determined than ever to accomplish what we didn't accomplish this year, and starting over on a new leaf in the new year. Because January is the month where we start fresh, we start over again. And for many of us this year, starting over again sounds like a good idea. Especially since we've all experienced a great deal of change, sometimes with several things occurring simultaneously without much of a break to process it all. It's also because we start to see that some old patterns, beliefs, and principles no longer serve us, and it's time to start on a brand new page. A clean slate, as it were. It will take time, persistence, and effort, but I believe transformation and new resolutions can be accomplished, and it doesn't always have to start in January, either. It can start anytime of the year! But still, December is that time to start putting some plans in motion for the coming new year. Because for some, if not many, people, January will come with a sparkle of hope, optimism, and opportunity for all of us to start afresh and just start again. Maybe next year will be better. Maybe next year will FINALLY be my year. Maybe next year will not have so many challenges and heartache. Maybe next year will be the year I get to travel. Maybe next year will be the year I own a home. Maybe next year will be the year I will start a family. Maybe next year will be the year I reconnect with loved ones, or simply reconnect with myself. Maybe next year will be the year I lose all of the weight I've been carrying and start living a healthy lifestyle. Maybe next year will be the year I get a new job. Maybe next year will be the year I do better... There's a lot of "maybe's" here... but that's also backed up by hope. You can't start a new year without hope. You gotta have hope! But if you're in the theater community, like I am, December is also a special time of year for us artists and creatives. And that's because it's the official kickoff to award season. The nominations for the Critic's Choice Awards and the Golden Globe awards were announced earlier this week, and there's plenty of excitement from first-time nominees and long time professionals. With the occasional shock and resentment from fans who believed certain actors, directors, and creatives should've gotten nominated but didn't. Already, there were smaller but prominent award ceremonies that happened several weeks ago, including those that took place in NYC and L.A. And award shows have a way to shape up the races towards the ultimate goal every actor, artist, and creative wants to achieve... The Academy Awards. It's no secret that we all have this affixation towards award shows, even if it's from a distance. The pageantry of people getting dressed up to the nines, the speeches, some of the performances, and the overall message that hard work and persistence does pay off. Getting nominated is one thing, but winning an award, oh, what a thrill! All of those years of taking classes, seminars, going to school, working several part-time jobs, doing small projects (often unpaid), going to auditions, making connections, and just showing up for your career is finally starting to pay off. You're being recognized for your talents and creativity by your peers, and acknowledged that what you brought to the film is nothing short of extraordinary. And it hasn't been an easy journey for those who have created work that reflected their own experiences, not just the general stories that is only viewed through the eyes of white people. Because there are people who win these awards who long to see themselves in the films and projects they create, and help others see that it is possible, and that it can be done. A lot of work behind the scenes has to be done to make it happen, but it is possible, just the same. We've seen a lot of barriers broken down with some award winners throughout history, such as Hattie McDaniel becoming the first black woman to win the Academy Award, Sidney Poitier becoming the fist black man to win the Academy Award, Ali Stroker becoming the first performer in a wheelchair to win the Tony Award, Troy Kotsur becoming the first male deaf actor to win the Academy Award, Marlee Matlin becoming the first deaf actress to win the Academy Award, Halle Berry becoming the first black woman to win the Academy Award for Best Actress, Emma Thompson becoming the first woman to win the Academy Award for Best Screenplay, Cole Escola becoming the first non-binary actor to win the Tony Award, Kara Young becoming the first woman and black woman to win two Tony Awards back to back, B.D. Wong becoming the first Asian actor to win the Tony Award, Taika Waititi becoming the first indigenous director to win the Academy Award, Wes Studi becoming the first indigenous actor to receive an honorary Academy Award... Shall I continue? There may be still a long way to go before even more diverse talents get their laurels for all their hard work, but progress is still happening. Can I ask you a question? Have you ever gone to a mirror in your house, when no one is around, and pretend you won an award? You get all emotional, inspired, and overjoyed, and practice your speech. You have all of the time in the world because it's your moment. You earned this, and you deserve to shine. It's certainly a nice thing to do, no matter silly it is... I seem to be doing that a lot lately. And that's because I have a goal for next year, no matter how lofty it is. I would like to be nominated for an award for my acting... Even - dare I say it? - win an award for my acting. Let's talk about this.

One reason why December can be an emotional time for me is because it's the time of year the BroadwayWorld Regional Theatre Awards are announced. And day in and day out, I would come across some posts that would say along the lines of: "I just found out I got nominated for a BroadwayWorld Award! Please vote for me!" "Literally just found out that I'm nominated for a BroadwayWorld Award. So happy!" "I'm proud to announce that my show got nominated for a BroadwayWorld Award!" And day in and day out, I would have to swallow my disappointment, like the post, and move on while feeling so bitter and resentful, and then kicking myself for feeling this way. While at the same time, silently wondering, "when will it be me?" I'll let you in on a little secret: As good of an actor I am, I've never won an award for acting, let alone be nominated for one. Outside of winning Best Ensemble for a local play festival nine, gosh, 10 years ago, I never had the chance to be exhilarated over the fact that I got nominated for a solo acting award, and have the possibility of winning the award make my heart beat a little bit faster. And there's a part of me that's getting a little, well, quite, sick and tired of seeing so many of my friends and acquaintances share their posts about their nominations and wins. Because to me, that says I'm not good enough to win an award. My acting is not the same level as theirs to even be nominated. My path to where I am now as an actor and where they are as actors when they get nominated is not even a real, legitimate path to even be considered for an award because of my path is so different. And there's a fear that I will never be recognized for all of the hard work, dedication, and effort I put into my craft, which is my passion. And all the best reviews in the world of your spectacular performance in your shows may not be enough to boost your credibility in the same way as an award can. Do any of you out there feel the same way I do? Award season can be both exciting and a monumental downer for us artists. It's nice to see so much talent get the recognition they deserve after working hard behind the scenes and on stage or screen for a number of years, but at the same time, it brings out something that's pretty hard to shake off: Comparison. Whenever we see all the winners and nominees on TV and social media, it can often lead to feeling inadequate in our careers. Like we haven't done enough. Like we should be further along by now. Like we should be standing up there with them... or even instead of them. Because compared to the Oscar winners, someone like me who is still trying to find a way to even remotely reach the same level as them, I'm still technically a nobody in the industry and that I don't have much to show for it apart from a wide and diverse resume. Many early career and mid career artists like me would often fall into this pattern of seeing the stars all dressed up and accepting their honors, and they start would feel a sense of sadness and hopelessness, wondering if they would ever get to the same place as they would. And not only if they get to the same place as the winners, but also if it will be too late by the time they reach the same heights as the winners. Especially for those of us who didn't start our acting careers right away. A big problem is that many articles and columns would list out the most successful people who are in their 30s, or even praise the accomplishments of so many artists, creatives, and other influential people, all by the time they reach 30 years old. It's this slightly old-fashioned idea based in societal expectations that if you haven't accomplished much by the time you reach 30, like starting a business, winning major awards, or even being deemed successful, you can pretty much (in a Brooklyn accent) fuhgeddaboudit. This is true for the vast majority of actors and artists who are in their 30s - Not much accomplishments to show for what they have to offer to the world, and some of the awards and grants and support are peanuts compared to the ripe fruit of some of the biggest award winners. There's also this belief that in order you have to be somebody and get all the praise and the awards, you have to move to a place like NYC or L.A. to get noticed and recognized, and both of those markets are already oversaturated as it is. And sometimes, going to NYC or L.A. just to be recognized in your own artistic community is the only way to book consistent work in your community. Here's another problem with award season (or success stories in general): Most people are only focusing on the successes of the individuals, but not the whole story. They don't want to talk about the real struggles and frustrations of getting to where they are. That's just depressing! We need something more positive and uplifting, something like... Wait! I got it! Focus that camera on the Broadway or major film debuts, the million dollar money makers, the collaboration and praise from some of the biggest names in history, and their fame! Get in closer, closer, closer, STOP! Perfect! These days, people want the hope and positivity of the latest rising stars, not the struggles and frustrations. We're already getting enough of that from the news. And even if there are raw, harsh truths of this industry being shared in interviews and online, many producers, directors, casting directors, and others get turned off by this. Those artists and creatives might be "too much" or "too unstable" if they show the harsh realties of this industry, even if those hotshot producers and directors and casting directors went through the same struggles the artists and creatives are going through. You starting to see where I'm getting at? In their eyes, success in terms of major roles, big money makers, and even a huge following can lead to many things, including awards - sometimes with talent notwithstanding. But that goes back to that problem of having to be a success by a certain age, like your 30s. Anything past that age range, fuhgeddaboudit. Age can play a factor in awards season. Yes, we're seeing more and more people of varying ages receiving recognition, but that still leads to comparison. Many of us when we were teens weren't selling out stadiums around the world. Many of us when we were in our 20s weren't starring alongside some of the biggest stars in major box office hits. Many of us when were are in our 30s and 40s aren't starting up businesses and nonprofits or even charities. Many of us haven't been able to make above $25,000 a year on our taxes (and if you are, you are very lucky!). And to make matters worse, social media can be the absolute worst place to compare yourself to other artists, especially those who are all over the spectrum - further than you, on the same pace as you, and even a little less experienced than you. The constant replays of the acceptance speeches, the red carpet photo ops, and the overwhelming praise from your peers can be a lot for your ego. And it can also be a lot for your pride, especially if you haven't even gotten to a place where you are even known in your community. All of those years of networking, auditioning, occasional callbacks, attending opening night celebrations, end of year galas, performances, creating your own work, and basically working from the ground up should account for something, right? Like constantly showing up? Well... When you're looking at your track record at the number of auditions you got versus the number of projects you actually book, and one can be a bit lopsided, it may not seem like much. In fact, it seems like you haven't accomplished a damn thing by not booking, no matter how hard you show up for yourself and your career. And then when you add the comparison game of seeing others who are further along than you or even a bit further back than you doing amazing things that you've always dreamed of doing... Oy. It's a lot. I remember when I was at church one Sunday when our pastor mentioned that the idea of being validated came from a place of need - A need that wasn't fulfilled in the way you thought it would be. "If I could just land this job..." "If I could just get this promotion..." "If my child could just get into this school..." "If I could just have a partner..." "If could make this much money..." All of this desire to get more things, or have something better than what you have, or even be further along, they all come from a place of validation, or worthiness. The idea that the more things you have can make you feel worthy and accepting of God's love and blessings. Of course, sometimes when we ask for more and get more, it can be taken away from us unexpectedly, just as fast as it is given to us...

And then our lives start to fall apart because the things that would deem us worthy are not so worthy anymore... Nor do they validate us like we initially thought they would. Maybe this need for more stems from something we never had... Something that we should've gotten from the people we loved, or by an object, or by something else entirely different. Maybe the idea of being validated stems from a personal lack that you've experienced, and the idea of having something like more money, a better job, a bigger house, a loving spouse or significant other, or even your children attending the best school, can fill that lack in ways you never dreamed of. But, as most of know, objects and people can't fill that lack in the same way God can. Sometimes it takes giving yourself a hard look at why you desire things to fill your lack, and you don't believe God can fill it for you. And even if you don't believe in God, taking a hard look and reflecting at all the ways you've been lacking validation or love can be a healing experience for you as well. It may just force you to let go of all of the things that glitter and shine, and look right into the heart of the matter: And see that you're already worthy to begin with. And validation comes from more than just awards and nominations. I guess it's no secret that we all have dreams of winning awards for our acting, directing, writing, and more in the creative world. And it all stems from a place of being recognized. Being seen. Especially after so many years of working your butt off just to get seen and finally noticed in the ways you wanted to be. All of that hard work and doing the hard things, the uncomfortable things, and the most impossible things are finally starting to pay off. And winning that award or being recognized may be just the thing to help move your career forward in a way you've only dreamed of. It's hard being in a sea of so many creatives and professionals who are all out for a chance to be in the big musical, film, project, commercial, or anything that involves the arts. It's even harder when we all have this dream of being successful like all of the Oscar winners or Tony winners or Grammy winners. If we could just win that award, we'd be set for life, right? Well... I hate to tell you this, but winning an award doesn't necessarily mean you'll be set for life. In fact, in some cases, people who have won major awards have experienced some major setbacks in their careers and their personal lives. Lupita Nyong'o has only received roles to play slaves after winning her Oscar for 12 Years A Slave. Cuba Gooding, Jr. went from his Oscar winning performance in Jerry Maguire to not booking another major box office hit, along with some personal troubles in his life. F. Murray Abraham constantly rejected dozens of roles after winning his Oscar for Amadeus, roles he later regretted not doing, and effectively ending his career. Roberto Benigini, the director and creator of Life is Beautiful, won every award under the sun, but then his career abruptly halted that. And even Hattie McDaniel's career sadly halted after winning for Gone with the Wind, and she had to sell her Oscar to pay her debts. There's a downside to being an award winner, especially if the world only sees you for that one role or that one project... And that's all you'll ever be expected to do and be good or. Not to mention all of the personal problems that come with it. There's the risk of marriages falling apart, drug addiction, losing work, and having to settle for less than ideal employment just to keep food on the table and a roof over your head. This industry is a tough business to be in, made tougher by what could potentially happen after you win an award. The expectation of doing something more and different from what you've done is a tough act to follow, and not only that, some people are so closed-minded that they can only see you in that particular role or type or project genre that's bound to be a success or another award winner. Being seen and recognized by your peers in award shows is one thing... But being seen and recognized for only one thing, and only being able to do that one thing for the rest of your life... And the personal issues with relationships, health, and money, that come along for the ride... That becomes your absolute worst nightmare. (This is the time of year where we get to look back, reflect, and look forward to the year that's to come. It's also a time to share our experiences and observations from this year to bring into the new year. For much of this year, my blogs are observations and reflections on the many things I've seen and experiences I've had as an actor and a human being. It goes without saying that these are MY observations and experiences, and you are welcome to disagree with anything I've said in this blog or any of my previous blogs. However, I will not tolerate any offensive language, divisive speech, or hateful commentary. We all need to learn to respect each other's opinon and share our differences that makes us appreciate one another and see the world beyond black and white. If you can't do a simple thing like that, I will block you.)

You know how I said that one of my goals for next year is to be nominated for, even possibly win, an award? It comes from a deeply personal place, and it's one that I never had to acknowledge until now. I've never been loved or supported by my father or my older sister, and that in turn has led me to believe that I have to seek validation from them just so they can love me back... And no matter how hard I tried, I could never get the love and the support I truly needed to help me grow up and thrive. It was especially evident in the lack of awards I won, or how I was recognized for all of the wrong things. Having issues, having temper tantrums, having depression, having anxiety, having sensitivity issues, having PTSD, having trust problems, having, well, you get the idea. I always believed that if I got nominated or even won an award, I would probably be, well, something good for my family. Not a burden or a good-for-nothing like some people have believed that I was. To me, winning an award means that I'm actually somebody that's worth so much love and so much appreciation and so much validation that I didn't get from my family. Winning an award is showing them and the world that despite my brokenness, I rose above it and won this. And not only did I win this award, but I earned it. Winning an award means that my passion and talent is enough, and that I don't have to consistently prove to others that my career matters. Winning an award means that I can be loved for who I am, flaws and all, and that I can be recognized for what I can do so well. Winning an award... Would make me feel worthy in my family's eyes. And possibly my community's eyes, too. That my hard work and dedication and ambition and determination matters, and that I'm worthy because I can do the hard work and the tough things. That I matter. It's not so much the glimmer and the glitz and glamour that allures me to award shows, but the feeling of being worthy and validated in your community for what you do so well. And maybe that's why I always seek our encouragement and reassurance from others... Because I never got that growing up. And I always had to push myself to get their approval, their satisfaction, and their validation, even when I was so broken. I don't think my dad ever said "I'm proud of you" to me. Not even after I graduated. Maybe that's why I always go out for the big parts on Broadway, or even at some of the biggest theaters in my community: It's not so much the role or the show, as it is the idea of feeling worthy and showing others that my life and career means something, even if I am broken. Even if you've never been proud of me to begin with. And maybe, just maybe, winning an award can show you what you've been missing out on when I didn't give up and I'm continuing to do what I love and show up, even when it got hard... And that I've ALWAYS mattered... Even if you never believed that I mattered to begin with. Those of us who grew up in broken homes seem to gravitate towards awards more than those who grew up in seemingly perfect homes. But no matter what household you grew up in, the idea of being validated by an award for your respective craft is something we all dream about, even pretend when no one is looking. And then when we compare our lives to that of award winners and nominees, it's easy to fall into the trap of not even being worthy enough to get an award, not from where we're currently at in our careers. And it doesn't even have to be big names who are winning awards. It can be our peers and our friends who are being recognized, and deep down we feel a little bit of resentment and jealousy. "Why not me?" I'm sure all of you let your work speak for itself whenever you're onstage, screen, in the director's chair, in the writer's chair, or wherever you are in the artistic world. But if you're really vying for awards, here's one piece of advice to take with you: Don't settle for one role or one project to get you that award, especially if it's all you will be known for. Because as we've seen time and time again, many people who have won awards are only getting the parts and projects that align with that specific role or project, and not given a chance to grow and diversify their talent in leaps and bounds in new projects that are unlike the characters or projects that got them the award in the first place. Stretch your imagination, challenge others to go with you on the journey and look beyond their own expectations, do the projects that's unlike anything you've ever done, and never stop learning about yourself and what you're capable of doing. And more importantly, look at how winning an award might validate you... Or if you really needed to be validated at all. Don't go looking for awards for the wrong reasons, nor settle for anything less than your best. Find that happy medium, and let the work speak for itself. Your time IS coming... Something that yours truly needs to be reminded of on a regular basis. If there's one more special reason why I hope to win an award, or even get nominated, it's this: Next year will be my tenth year as a professional actor. 10 years ago next year, I started this journey, and I never looked back since. And I want to celebrate this milestone with so much of my goals and dreams coming true, including possibly winning an award. I know my talent and determination have gotten me this far, along with a lot tears, sweat, praying, griping, moaning, writing, and do it all over again the next day, but I would seriously love it if I could be recognized for what I do so well... Even adding "award-winning actress" sounds kind of nice, don't you think? I don't know what it will look like for my tenth year, but I can guarantee you it will be something special. One that hopefully ends on an award-winning note.