Normalcy Is Overrated... or Is It?

HEY!!!!!!!!!! Long time, no see! I know it's been a long minute since I last wrote. How have you been? Have you had a nice summer? Did you travel? Did you take some time to relax? Did you work on anything new? Did you accomplish something very important? What's been happening with you? Well, for yours truly, a lot has happened since I wrote to you last... And I do mean A LOT. Probably even too much to put into one blog, but... How much time do you have? For starters, I've had four - count 'em, FOUR - opportunities from the span of June through September, and they were all simply wonderful since the challenging production from May. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, read this blog post and you'll see what I mean.) The vast majority of them were staged readings, but even still, all of the projects I was a part of were received with rave reviews from the audiences, and even a glowing review in an important arts newspaper. And did I mention that I got to be in the lead role in some these productions? TWICE?!?! Talk about moving on up in the world! There was pressure to do the roles justice, yes, but I ended up taking on the pressure with as much patience and gusto as one actor can handle, and the result turned out to be even better than what I anticipated. And even in staged readings, that can be an excellent experience. I'll say this right now, I thoroughly enjoy doing principal roles, even lead roles from time to time, and I would love to do it again. And it was great to be a part of ensemble shows where we all had a part ot play that made the show the success that it deserved to be. I even got to perform on my birthday, which has never happened! That in itself was quite the experience I'll never forget. Doing what you love to do on your birthday, I'd say that's a great birthday present! But the best part of those four opportunities was that I got to be in safe spaces, I was valued, and I got to collaborate with some equally amazing artists. It's been something that my soul and nervous system needed since May, and I'm beyond grateful I got that wish. Then, my actual birthday was truly a fun day. I got to spend part of it onstage performing, but I also got to spend it at the Maryland Renaissance Festival! I always get excited when this time of year comes around, and this time was no exception. I dressed up in my favorite costume, and I had a wonderful time frolicking in ye olden days for the day. I even got to dance with the dance company, and I was even serenaded with a lively rendition of Happy Natal Day (Renaissance Faire version of Happy Birthday, for those of you who don't know). And then there was listening to Celtic music, doing some shopping, and even petting one of the knight's horses after the joust. The horse's name was Goat Cheese. Yup, it's true! He was a friendly horse, too. I can't wait to go back there one more time this season with some friends, as long as the weather cooperates. Then, some big news came that truly made me dance for joy: After six months of unemployment, my mom FINALLY received a job offer! She started on Monday, and it's back in the medical field for the first time in decades. She's really enjoying her time there so far, and if there's one thing that she wishes were better is if the traffic would cooperated better. But when D.C. is ranked the worst traffic in the country, that's a lot to ask for - bad drivers, traffic lights not being timed right, no traffic cops managing the traffic... yeah, it's pretty frustrating. Anyway, my mom is grateful for all of your support, encouragement, prayers, positive vibes, and more during this time. She's happy to be back at work again. I'm happy, too. But why don't I sound happier? (Sigh) How much time do you have?

You know how time and time again I've preached how change is good for, and change is the only constant, and change can help us grow into the people we're meant to become, and everything in between? That's something I've stood by for many years. But here's the thing about change they don't tell you about: It's uncomfortable. It's messy. It's confusing. It's painful. It's maddening. It's a lot. And it sometimes can happen all at once. To the point where it's too much to handle and you can't really catch a break whenever it seems like you finally can. Between so much of my victories, there has just been simply too much change happening in my life where I didn't really have time to process it all or have it be communicated in a way where I can process it or even allow it to sit in my bones and work on it to the point where it becomes muscle memory. And for yours truly, it's all these changes that made me realize that I'm not as comfortable or good with change as I thought I would be. Even my patience and perseverance and wisdom has its limits... Because there are simply days where I don't know what the hell I'm doing, and when it seems like I can finally breathe, something else happens to the point where I'm forced to push through with these changes without a second to process it all. And it's even worse when you've lived in a traumatic household without a lot of support and encouragement to the point where a simple hug or having the people who are supposed to love you and care for you as a family doesn't come, and you get let down. And you have to face these changes by yourself. Almost to the point where you have to swallow the tears and the frustration and push through... And then when the dam breaks... well, you get the idea. There's been a ton of changes in my life that directly and indirectly impacts me, and believe me when I say this, it's been a lot. Even hellish. At my jobs, people have left for new opportunities or were let go, and for several months, the department I was in had no active supervisor until about several months ago. And with our new supervisor, there were some changes in where things are at your stations, or how to properly mail checks, or how to contact staff members, or how to navigate new seating options and subscription packages. Or even as a whole with the organization, there's the addition of new events throughout the year that our space is rented for, and even birthday parties have made a comeback, which can be a learning curve in itself. Sometimes these changes were communicated, other times, I've had to find out on my own without a lot of communication. And it can be frustrating after so many years of building your muscle memory to find its rhythm, you have to create a new rhythm in your position. Then there's my mom being out of work for six months and her willing to take me to and from work, and having to rely on my paycheck and her unemployment which doesn't come to a lot, and having to make the pivot to thrifting for economical and environmental reasons. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but I wish it came from a place of joy rather than a bad economy and so many lives upended because of job loss and reduction in income. Not to mention the shocking realities of how my generation has given into shopping at fast fashion for years and being the cause of so much waste negatively impacting the environment. And then there's my church moving into a new building for the first time over 10 years. While that was a huge answer to prayer, it wasn't as joyous as I wanted it to be. And that was due to my community group, my very first family when I moved to Maryland over 13 years ago, abruptly disbanding. And that was hard as hell. Not to mention seeing your single friends start dating or get married, and seeing more and more babies arrive, sometimes almost too much at one time! I think there was something in the water, but we won't go into that. But it does make it hard for yours truly as one of the few single women to feel supported when my church seems to focus more on the married couples and children. It sort of makes me feel a little, I don't know... Left out? Losing your community group and not having a stable faith community when all of these changes are going on does make it a bit difficult, if not frustrating, when you constantly feel like you're a third wheel in your married friend's lives or not even acknowledged in the church as a single woman. And then there's all of the internal work I've been doing since May, and boy, that has been a learning curve if I've ever seen one. I'm currently going through what's known as a night of the dark soul, and in case you don't know what that is, it's pretty much this: In layman's terms, it's a phase of passive purification in the mystical development of the individual's spirit, according to the 16th century Spanish mystic and Catholic poet, St. John of the Cross. In further layman's terms, this period is marked by confusion, helplessness, stagnation of the will, and the sense of withdrawal of God's will. It's considered to be the period of the final "unselfing" and the surrendering to the hidden purposes of the divine will. In other words, it's a tough period of shedding, removing, and unlearning all that you've been taught and ever known to become a new self, one that is letting go of control, letting go of all of the unnecessary weight and beliefs you've carried for a long time, and slowly moving towards a new individual that you were meant to become. For yours truly, it has been a bumpy dark night of the soul. There have been good days, but there have also been a lot of bad days marked by restlessness, confusion, stagnation, impatience, and a lot of tears. And I do mean A LOT of tears. Let me break it down for you this way: When you've carried a lot of false beliefs and ideologies about yourself and the world for a number of years, at a certain point you decide that it's time to let those things go, and you think it would be easy by saying that you no longer need them. You think it would be easy, but is it, really? NO. Not by a long shot. It's sort of like weight loss: You put in the time, the sweat, and the exhaustion to lose all of those pounds by aerobics, strength training, running, walking, dancing, or whatever to make sure you feel good about yourself. But there's also the mental and emotional component to weight loss - you start to feel more confident in yourself, and a lot of what you carried in pounds can also be translated into a lot of what you carried in trauma through bad eating habits and a sedimentary lifestyle. Not to mention what that does to you mentally and emotionally. That also starts to shed, though not as quickly as you'd like it to be. Weight loss takes time, perseverance, and consistency. And a whole lot of sweat. Not to mention a hard look at yourself and holding yourself accountable for your actions and beliefs, and taking steps to shed them from your mind, body, and soul. A dark night of the soul is sort of like that. It's not linear, and it doesn't happen overnight. It's up and down, good days and bad days, and one step forward, two steps backwards. There are days when you feel good about yourself and all of the progress you've made, and then there are days when you feel like you're not getting anywhere or all of that progress has been for naught because of one thing that threw you for a loop and sent you down a spiral. Nobody said weight loss would be easy... And I think the same goes for a dark night of the soul. It's especially bad when you've grown up in a traumatic environment. For those of you that don't know, I have PTSD - post-traumatic stress disorder - due to living in an abusive household for a number of years. And I have this little thing called triggers that can set me backwards on my road to recovery, to the point where I'm beating myself up and not giving myself grace and understanding. One example happened this past Sunday. After missing my ride to church by a couple of seconds, I was in a rotten mood, even though my mom was able to give me a ride. As I explained how I felt to my ride on the way back home, I started to get emotional and cry. It's been a lot of things happening and I was a bit upset that something this unexpected happened and the last thing I needed was something else unexpected to set me off like this. But then that's when things went south real fast. That was when my ride started talking to me sternly. And that was when my PTSD kicked into high gear. I felt like I was that little girl again being blamed for something I did or didn't do, and I had to fix the problem. No matter how many times I said I was sorry, it wasn't enough. I had to do better and hold myself accountable. I was a wreck for pretty much the rest of the day, and for much of the week. I think it's plain to see that one of my triggers is tone of voice, especially if it's stern or even harsh. Because whenever someone uses that tone of voice with me, I get scared and I immediately go into fight or flight mode, or even victim mode, and I feel like I did something wrong and I have to fix this problem right then and there, and I have to grovel and beg for forgiveness, just to keep the peace and have a good relationship. I'm that little girl who got yelled at by her father and sister, by her teachers, by the bullies, and even sometimes by her mom, and I have to fix it it. Even though I can never fix it. And it's not just verbally. It's also in emails when the wording is a bit stern and harsh. That's when I get defensive and scared and feel like a little girl again. And I feel like the victim and I have to fix the problem. Which leads to apologizing even though I don't have to. If there's one thing you need to know about us PTSD victims, a period of change and growth can feel like hell because one little thing can trigger us and set us backwards in so many ways and we revert back to our former selves, and we beat ourselves up and wonder why we were made to be this way. And a dark night of the soul doesn't help matters. Because it makes it all that much harder for us to hold ourselves accountable for our past actions and beliefs without making it look like we are the victims or the belief that we're too weak to advocate for our needs in a way that doesn't seem selfish or impossible to do. And it's especially bad when you've had too much going on all at once without much stability to really reset and take care of yourself. Because you've had to push through at your job, in your relationships, and in life because time slows down for no one. Not even for those of us with PTSD. And it's a damn shame. I suppose I should hold myself accountable for one thing - I've lately grown accustomed to staying up later than normal because that's when my thoughts are at the most quiet and I can hear. And I can also accomplish the things I've been putting off for much of the day. Which has caused me to rush in the mornings to make it to church on time instead of going to bed earlier. I may never know if my consistent tardiness drove my ride to speak in that tone, or if she was going through something that I don't know about. But either way, it goes back to what is commonly repeated quite a bit growing up: It's not what you say, but how you say it that makes a difference. I believe you may have heard "watch your tone" quite a bit when you were younger. In some cases, your tone of voice can have some negative consequences to the people who are listening to you if you speak in a demeaning and even degrading tone of voice. But it's especially bad if you have PTSD and that tone of voice can take you back to your childhood or the moment when you experienced the trauma. That's why it's so important to watch your tone of voice with others you encounter. You may never know what they're going through, and sometimes kindness matters. I take that back - kindness ALWAYS matters, especially in your tone of voice. What do I do after an incident like this? Well, to be honest... I'm not 100% sure of the answer. The obvious answer is to not return to where the trigger kicked off the PTSD-incident. And keep my distance for a while. But at the same time, I have to acknowledge my consistent tardiness and how this incident triggered my PTSD, while also making sure I don't sound like a victim like I used to do when I would try to fix things that didn't need fixing. And in this case, I'm not sure if I need to fix this just to keep the peace, but only do enough to advocate for myself and make sure my needs are met while also respecting my ride's needs. It may be for the best that I don't take rides for a while... But also make sure that my mental and emotional wellbeing are protected. The truth is, I'm not sure what's right for me at this point, but I do know that I have to take care of myself. And that means explaining my triggers to people I can trust and who are prepared to help in the best way possible, whether through prayer or just better understanding how to treat me from here on out. I don't want my PTSD to keep me from living my best life, nor do I want it to damage relationships. But having a bit more compassion and understanding on how to help me will make a big difference. I think it goes without saying that you should try to watch your tone with me. It's not you, but it's what I've experienced that has caused me to experience the PTSD, which is consistent yelling and screaming, and me always being forced to fix things and make things right, no matter if it was my fault or not. I'm unlearning some harmful patterns, so all I ask is that you be patient with me... Like I'm learning how to be patient with myself as well as I put myself first and learn to truly love myself and fill my cup. (For my first blog post in a while, this one may hit home for some of you. While I have PTSD, I'm not a medical professional or therapist, but I will encourage all of you who are experiencing PTSD to seek out medical attention for your triggers and get the support and encouragement you need to help you live out your best life and be in safe space where you can advocate for your needs and make sure others understand your triggers so that they are ready to help you and provide you with coping skills. But like my previous posts, these are my observations and experiences, and you are welcome to disagree with anything I've said. But I will absolutely not tolerate any disrespectful or harmful language to myself and to others. We all need to learn to get along with each other, no matter where we come from. And if you can't even do that, I will block you.)

So... For someone who has PTSD, what does normal look like? If you'd like my honest opinion... I don't know. That's something for me to figure out. But right off the bat, I can tell you that it doesn't involve anything unexpected for a while, and especially not all at once. Change is the only constant, it's true. But when it all comes at once, that's overdoing it. And not being able to process it within a reasonable time frame can be a lot, too. Maybe that's why I'm looking forward to going back into a pattern of normalcy for a while. It's not having so much thrown at you without much time to process it all, and also dealing with unexpected changes that come one right after the other. Knowing your limits is a challenge, and I seem to be recognizing them more and more as I embark on this journey of putting myself first for the first time in over 25 years. I find myself distancing myself from more and problematic comments and posts to protect my mental & emotional sanity.

I'm relishing more time outside, and with fall really coming to life nowadays, that's a good reason to go outside. I'm enjoying the moments of solitude to a certain extent, while also doing more to add a bit of variety to my days by doing different things, taking new routes, and exploring new areas. But then there's going back into the pattern of going to work more often with a more stable team, and learning how to ask for help and not always having to go above and beyond all the time. And then there's the days where you simply don't have to do anything, which is the hardest thing to do because of my ingrained belief of idleness being the devil's work, and more importantly, being okay with it. It's the small moments that bring you a little bit of control, and sometimes, utmost joy. Like cooking or baking your favorite meal. Like walking around art galleries. Like seeing flowers in bloom. Like seeing snow fall outside your window. Like reading a book on a rainy day. Like listening to your favorite song or playlist on repeat. Like a calming car ride. Or in my case, train ride. Like feeling the breeze on a temperate day. Like having your favorite treat after a long day. Like watching your favorite film or TV show. Like hugs. Like holding your favorite stuffed animal. Like doggy kisses or cat snuggles. Like a hot shower or relaxing bath. Like seeing butterflies in flight and landing in a field of flowers. Like a sunrise or a sunset. Like walking barefoot at home or on the beach. And the list goes on... Regaining a little bit of control in the midst of chaos in those small moments is worth a big victory any day. If I wanted to be truly honest about what normalcy looked like as an actor, it would be me being content with what roles I've performed, and what I'm looking forward to as I wait for the next adventure. It's that anticipation of "why not me?" while also knowing you're giving your all. It's allowing the right opportunities to come with ease without much work or hassle. It's trusting the work you've put into your craft, and being at peace after you hit "send." But most of all, it's finding joy and healing in what you enjoy OUTSIDE of acting. And that's the part I'm hoping to reclaim the most. Do I want to keep on working consistently? Absolutely! Who doesn't? But it's those moments away from the stage that can bring the most joy and normalcy because it reminds us that there is more to life than our careers and being immersed in the work all the time. And those small moments can bring quite a bit of normalcy in the unpredictability of this career. It reminds me to BREATHE... And LET GO... And TRUST THE PROCESS. Something that I tend to forget quite a bit after pushing and pushing and going and going for many years on end without stopping. It's nice to have those reminders to help you see that. Before I go too far, I'm doing better since earlier this week. It's been quite the journey learning to put myself first, and it's moments like these where I still have a long way to go before I'm comfortable with my needs coming first before everyone else's, and not having to fix every little thing. Maybe my idea of normalcy isn't what it used to be... But maybe it's a new normalcy. One where I'm okay putting myself first, and finding joy in the small things that I never realized made the biggest difference in my life until now. And really paying attention to that joy and healing so that I can go back to them more and more to fill my cup, and regain a bit of certainty in the midst of chaos. And also knowing when to take a step back when I get overwhelmed. And being okay with advocating for my needs without feeling like a burden or too much for others. Part of the journey of learning to love yourself is figuring out what normalcy looks like, even in the most extraordinary circumstances. And it may not be what you were accustomed to, especially not after giving to others for so long. Another part of discovering what your normalcy looks like is rediscovering what brings you joy, and not being ashamed about it. Normalcy should be more than just getting up, going to work, coming home, and doing it all over again. It's the smallest things that can leave the biggest spaces in your heart that bring you joy, and teach you who are and who you can be when you find that joy to bring you the healing and warmth you need. And returning to those places when the world doesn't make sense. I'm slowly discovering what that looks like, emphasis on the "slowly" part. But you know what they say: It's a marathon, not a sprint. What does normalcy look like to you? Sit down and think about it for a while. Because I guarantee you it's not what you think it is... And it may be a lot closer to your heart than you realize.