The Perks of Being A Spinster

Jane Austen's beloved novel, Pride & Prejudice, begins with the following words: "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife." Well, if you lived in early 19th century England, that is the expectation every man and woman must have. The idea of marriage, especially of a wealthy kind, means that the family name can continue, and the son and daughter are well-off in a way that allows them to sustain themselves financially for each other and their children and hopefully future generations. But what happens if you don't want to get married? Or, if you're like Elizabeth Bennett, don't want to get married for wealth and power alone, but for love? Well, you'd be looked down upon as an old maid. You see, back in Regency England, once you've reached the age of 25, you would be deemed too old to get married and called an old maid. You would still be living with your parents as a dependent, sometimes a financial burden on them. Or even a personal burden to them by the time you reach 25. You might even be deemed a failure in your family's eyes for not getting married by 25. And here's something else to remember: At this time, women did not have a lot of rights. They couldn't own a house, lead a household, vote in the elections, buy items with her own money, and don't get me started on reproductive rights. So, it's only natural that families want their daughters to be married into a well-off, or very well-off family so that she can be provided for and protected. But like many time periods leading up to the 21st century, there were women who rebelled against this idea of marriage. They would marry for love, sometimes below their station, and risk being disowned by the family. They would secretly have homosexual relationships or rendezvous with other women they particularly liked (being a homosexual was still a crime back in those days). They would even end up continuing to be single until the day they die. Either way, women who are unmarried by the time they reach 25 are called old maids... Sometimes even called spinsters. So, what exactly is a "spinster" anyway? In Webster's dictionary, a spinster is an unmarried woman, typically an older woman beyond the usual age for marriage. In layman's terms, women who are 25 years or older are deemed undesirable for marriage. I think it has something to do with losing your youth and your beauty once you get older. "Spinster" originally derived from women who spun yarn or thread, which was a common occupation for women back in those days. From there, it slowly started becoming a term for unmarried women who are past their prime for marriage. Did you know that back in the 17th century unmarried women were called "thornbacks"? All that's to say that "spinsters," "thornbacks," and "old maids" carried a negative connotation for women, while men had a much easier time with being called "bachelors." I guess that's why women had enough of the word "bachelor" and started to be deemed "bachelorette" when they're on the way to the altar. Then again, the word "spinster" was created by the patriarchy and had carried a negative connotation for much of the time the world was spinning, or at least during the 17th through the 20th centuries. Nowadays, women are no longer called "spinsters," thank goodness. But here's what's troubling to me... Why does the idea of being a spinster still exist in the 21st century? Perhaps a lot of the patriarchy still exists because of society's expectations of getting married and having a family by a reasonable age. Nowadays, I've seen people as young as 21-22 get married, right after college. Back then, it would've been 14-16 years old. (YIKES!) And some of the ideas and societal expectations have been passed down throughout the generations, even made worse by social media. There are the trolls, and even random strangers who criticize and demean other's lives as not following society when they decide to stay single for an extended period of time, or pursue a unique relationship, such as LGBTQ+ or poly relationships, that doesn't necessarily follow the rules of society. Some may deem these types of relationships as a sin against God. But worse still, there are still negative connotations about being single, even in the 21st century. Some people still believe that women shouldn't be allowed to be single for an extended period of time, even after a divorce. There are those who simply cannot live without a man, no matter how much they are scums for much of their lives. And there are still people out there who believe that a woman is a failure and a burden to their parents for not getting married right away, even at the age of 25. It's clear that there are still some societal generational traumas that take a lot harder to break than others. Even if it's been over 350 years. Or more. But for many women in general, just the idea of being single in this day and age can be both a blessing and a curse. Why is it a blessing to be single? You have no one else to worry about but yourself. You can go on all of the trips you want without being tied down by a husband and children. Your self care routines would be peaceful and without the distractions or judgment of others. You can walk wherever you want to go, and not be tied down by others. You can explore new places and try new foods by yourself or with your friends. And the list goes on. But then there's the curse. You have to watch your back more often when you're out by yourself at night, especially by some truly sick people out there. You have to deal with the pressure of nosy relatives who wonder "why you haven't gotten married yet?" You seem to be surrounded by all of the indications of how not-so-well-off you are when you are single, especially when it comes to a job or seeing people you know get married. You constantly face pressure from society to get married, whether that's on TV, social media, or from your inner circle of family and friends. And the list goes on and on. There's just no way to equally love and encourage people who are single, while also guide them towards the possibility of a happy, healthy marriage... One with or without any children. There's one line from the 2005 version of Pride & Prejudice that still haunts me to this day, and it came from Elizabeth Bennett's friend, Charlotte Lucas. "I'm 27 years old. I've no money and no prospects. I'm already a burden to my parents. And I'm frightened." Well.. Despite living my best life as an actor & writer and making a career for myself, I'm thirtysomething years old. I've no money and no prospects. I feel like I'm a burden to my mom and a distraction to my friends, especially those who are married and have children. And I'm TERRIFIED. This is one of those times where I get to be vulnerable with all of you, so I hope you'll stay with me for this week's post.

Even though we're in the 21st century and there's been plenty of debunking of myths and old-fashioned concepts surrounding marriage, courtship/dating, and being single, there's still plenty of people out there who want to cling to these ideas because a lot of what's out there now is, quite frankly, disturbing. Like online dating. Meetup groups. Virtual meetings. Working from home. Uber eats. Or DoorDash.

Lyft. Or Uber. Instagram. TikTok. Wi-Fi. iPhones. Or Androids. AirPods. ChatGPT. A.I. Non-binary individuals. Asexual individuals. Polyamorous relationships. Dissociation. Black mermaids. Black witches. DEI. Access & inclusion. Women's rights. Online job searches. And the list goes on and on... While these are signs of progress in the eyes of many, some would rather go back to the olden days of life, when it was a lot simpler, but also more restricted. Like women not being able to vote. Like women not having their own credit cards. Like women not being able to own property. Like LGBTQIA+ being a crime, with the punishment of jail time or even death. Like the disabled community not having the same rights as the abled community. Like blacks not being able to vote. Like blacks being considered second-class citizens. Or not citizens at all. Like the Native Americans/indigenous communities being totally wiped out. Like segregation in schools, bathrooms, theaters, sporting events, and more. Like less funding for the arts. Like less funding for science. Like less funding for education. Like history hiding some of the lesser known truths and realities. Like closing down public schools. You get the idea. But if you want to talk about the more pleasant side of things, people want some of these simpler things brought back that were nice to have. Like women and men dressing well in suits and dress, without too much showing. Like men holding doors for ladies. Like men standing up when a lady enters the room. Like Sunday drives in countryside. Like Sunday dinners. Like actual balls and people dancing the waltz. Or the rhumba. Or the mambo. Or even swing dancing. Like proper courtships at balls, long walks, or even at card games. Like more railroads to ride across the country to new places. Like affordable traveling. Like planes having actual good meals and wonderful customer service. Like old-fashioned radios. Typewriters. Or even television sets. (That is questionable, though. The television sets, that is!) Like being polite and respectful to your elders, no matter how old you are. Like having subjects like typing, home economics, and penmanship back in the classrooms. Like being considerate of others. Like band concerts at the parks in the summertime. Like all businesses being closed on Sundays. Like proper disciplining of the children. You see where I'm getting at? There are some things that should be brought back, but many others that are more divisive and demeaning shouldn't be brought back. And yet... Some of the beliefs that has been passed down throughout history has had a hard time evolving with every new time period, no matter how many forward-thinking individuals try to change minds. And that includes relationships and dating. Some people still hold onto the old notion that if you don't get married by 25, you're past your prime and no longer beautiful enough for marriage. And if you decide to not get married at all, or even have children, you're deemed a failure. Or even a spinster. Funny how that goes more towards women than men. I wonder why... And yet, I still can't help but find myself giving into these old notions and beliefs. Particularly because of my career and where I'm at financially. Yes, I have two part-time jobs. Yes, I'm doing more paid opportunites for my acting career. (Sorry, no more community theatre/unpaid jobs for me!) Yes, I'm taking time out for myself and putting my needs first physically, mentally, and emotionally. Yes, I'm working on building up my business as an actor with marketing, networking, and just plain showing up. Yes, I'm doing more saving financially and doing my best to do a lot less shopping. But... I still live with my mother... And I'm thirty-something. And I have no prospects. And I feel both fear and shame for being single at this age and still living with my mom when I should be out on my own . But it's not for lack of trying. Let's face it: Things are really expensive right now. What used to be $500-600/month to rent an apartment is now upwards of at least $1,400/month, and that's with roommates. Transportation has skyrocketed in price, particularly public transportation. That's probably why I get so frustrated with fare evaders and try to hold myself back from lashing out like I did the last time. And then there's groceries. I would give anything for food prices to below $5.00/lb or even $2.00 again. And then you add healthcare, clothing, books, electronics, heating/cooling & electricity, and it all adds up to one big, humongous bill that seems to be getting higher and higher every month. And while I'm getting a raise from at least one of my part-time jobs, many of us feel like it's not sustainable enough to live our lives. And while I'm going for the more paid opportunities (and setting a base minimum with how much I want to be paid, with some exceptions like staged readings), there is still a TON of competition for these jobs and again, a lot of the pay is not sustainable enough to live our lives. And while I am trying to save up money for things that I need and things that I want to do, like take a solo trip to London and continue to take classes, it is very hard to save money these days. Because of how much of it comes out in bill payments, healthcare, groceries, and unexpected emergencies. And again, the amount that I'm getting is not sustainable enough to live our lives. You see my point? It's been pretty difficult for many of us to have sustainable lives with how much we're getting paid, and how much resistance there is to giving higher pay to the point where we can make a living wage. And then there's the feelings of being single that's especially hard. Even though I am a people person, I get lonely real easily. I've always had a hard time making friends, and because of being in an abusive relationship, trusting others has been a challenge because of that fear of being used and mistreated. There's always that risk of ending up with someone who is just like your abusive father, and will stop at nothing to make you feel inferior every chance you get, even stop you from living out your dreams because he gets so jealous of you. That's a fear that's keeping me from pursuing a relationship. But then there's something else that's keeping me from hitting the dating scene... As some of you know, I'm a Christian, and I would like to find someone who believes in God and encourages me to be a better person and love God. But the thing that scares me the most is if I end up with someone who loves God, he will make me choose between God... and my career as an actor. Sad to say, there are some people out there who don't believe that your career as an artist can coexist with believing in God. First, let preface by saying this: I believe that God has called me into this career as an actor & writer to step into the shoes of people who are unlike me or learn something new about myself if I'm similar to that character and look at things in a new way that I haven't seen before. And I also believe God is guiding me into areas of life that aren't always necessarily loved or even understood by the vast majority of society, like the LGBTQIA+ communities, the underrepresented communities, and even blackness as not being a monolith. From there, I learn to understand, respect, appreciate, and most of all, love them. I don't believe in hating others, though there are times these days when it's hard to do because there are people out there who don't care about anything but themselves. But at the end of the day, we're all people, and we just want to be seen, respected, and understood for who we are, even if we go against society's expectations. Asking me to give up my purpose which God has called me to do will make me regret it. And also asking me to give up my faith, which I credit for so many blessings, comfort, joy, and strength in my life and in my career, will also make me regret it. You either can love and appreciate all of me, both in my career and in my faith, or you're not getting anything from me at all. I can't give up God and acting. I will NOT do it. You cannot make me. And there's something else about being single that has really been nagging at me lately. Someone shared that whenever a single person hangs out with a married person, particularly if that person is a parent, and they have to take care of their child while hanging out with the single person, it comes across as the single person being the distraction, even though the married person knows they aren't. Let's face it: It's hard finding other singles out there who share your same interests and can hang out with you on a regular basis. Heck, it's hard to hang out in general because we're all so busy! But when you try hanging out with married couples, especially those with young children, it can be even harder to relate or understand because that's a part of your life you don't understand, and in some cases, may never want to understand because of some people's choice to not have children. Can I be real with you for a minute? I feel like I've been a distraction to a lot people, especially those who are married and married with young children. But again, I've realized lately that I'm a people person and I enjoy interactions and hanging out with others just as much as I enjoy being at home by myself relaxing and not going out. And it's especially evident with being single at my church. When you're one of at least 5-10 people who are single surrounded by at least 90% of churchgoers who are married or married with young children, it's very easy to feel like a distraction to others. Mind you, there are churches out there who have singles groups and devotionals, and some churches are better than others at making sure the singles are being seen, heard, and prayed for. How about getting to a point where ALL churches are like that? Especially for those of us who are lonely, are focused on their careers, and want to serve God? And even if you're not a Christian, feeling like you're a distraction to your married friends is the worst feeling in the world. You know what's also the worst feeling in the world? Allowing society's expectations and perceptions of the single life seeping into your mind and heart the point where you start believing in it. So, what do you do about it? (Singleness is not being talked about enough, and if it is, it's sometimes not talked about in a positive way. But before I go further, let me share two important details: first, if you are in an abusive relationship, please don't hesitate to reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-7723. Next, these are my observations and reflections on being single, and you are welcome to agree or disagree with anything I've said. But I will absolutely not tolerate any divisive statements, offensive language, or hate speech. We all need to be kinder to each other, no matter what state of life we're in, and if you can't do a simple thing like that, I will block you.)

Some people have been asking me this quite a bit lately: "Do you want to have a relationship?" Truthfully? Yes! Just not right now. The reason for that is I'm still learning to take care of my needs first, and once I'm able to do that and feel confident in myself to ensure that my needs are met first, then I will start to consider a relationship. And then there's the waiting game. As someone who gets hit on a lot by creepy old men, I feel like I encounter a lot of the creepy horned toads and fat frogs of the world, especially when I share a friendly smile that gets taken the wrong way. I'm not just going to throw myself at the feet of the first man I meet, especially the creepy kind. I'm waiting for the right one to come along. Someone who loves me for who I am, imperfections included. Someone who encourages me to go after what makes me happy and will challenge me to do the hard things. Someone who respects my views of the world, and inspires me to shatter some of the preconceived notions to see the world in a new, unique, and beautiful way. Someone who loves God and instructs me on the Word, has conversations about our walk with God, and will love me for loving God and my acting career. Someone who is patient, kind, humorous, smart, compassionate, humble, strong, has good communication, has a purpose in life, is hardworking, enjoys trying new things and going on adventures, flexible, and meets me halfway. And he has to love the arts just as much as I do! That would be a big plus for me! Remember, you can't give yourself over to another person in a committed relationship if you don't take care of yourself first, and learn how to give and take in the relationship if you only care about yourself. It's important to make sure that you are mentally, emotionally, even spiritually sound (or even financially sound, to add onto things) to be in a committed relationship. I've seen so many people end up in relationships that are so damaging and toxic because they aren't mentally or emotionally or spiritually or even financially sound to take care of themselves, let alone another person. If you can't take care of yourself or even be mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or even financially sound enough to take care of yourself, what makes you think you are ready to care for another person? Even your own child? Some people have made the biggest mistake for doing this. Don't be that person. I certainly don't want to be that person. I want him to love me for being broken, but not so broken that I can't take care of myself mentally and emotionally. Do whatever it takes to make sure you're taking care of you first, and allowing yourself time to heal, time for some tenderness, time for some grieving, and time for some love so that you can be ready to focus on the other person. But remember: Don't put away your own needs just for the sake of the other person. YOU matter. Your needs matter. Anyone who disagrees with that has some issues and problems of their own they need to work on, not have you fix those problems for them. In that case, you need to stay as far away from those type of people as possible. It is okay to focus on you for a little while longer while you wait to have that relationship. It may not be perfect, nor it won't be on your timeline. But having time for yourself is definitely worth being single for a little while longer. And it is okay to seek out community while you're a single person. For those of you who are married and married with young kids: Just remember to still love us and guide us on our journeys. We may not have the same problems or needs to take care of the husband and children, but we single people still have feelings, wants, and needs. Especially friendships and relationships with friends and community. Please don't think of us as distractions. Think of us as people first, people with feelings. We feel just as hurt when you hang out with married couples more often than you hang out with us. It is okay to still be friends with us! For those of you desperate to have a relationship with someone: Please hang in there for a little while longer. I know you have dreams of getting married and having a family, but I would rather have you wait for the right person to come along who not only completes you but challenges you, inspires you to be a better person, and loves ALL of you, flaws and all, instead of you ending with someone who is a total jerk and doesn't care about you. You are so worthy of love from someone special. He/she/they will come to you. Give it time. And if all else fails, a little nudge from the universe will tell you to go for it. It has unexpected ways of doing that. In the meantime... If anyone is interested in hanging out with me for coffee/tea, the upcoming Renaissance Festival in September, see a show in the area or even on Broadway, go to a museum, go out to lunch or dinner, go for a walk around the neighborhood, or do something totally different and unexpected... Let me know! I'm always game for a new adventure... And this latest chapter of my single life is proving to be an adventure I will never forget. Because I'm learning to love myself... And that is the best gift you can give to yourself as a single person.