Out There

🎶 Safe behind these windows and these parapets of stone, gazing at the people down below me… 🎶

I’ve been thinking a lot about how much I’ve been changing lately. Evolving, if you will.

And whenever I think about how much I’ve evolved, I immediately go to some of my favorite movie or book characters and the journeys that they go on. They're kind of an inspiration to me, and perhaps unsurprisingly, I can relate to them in so many ways.

I often think about how much the journey has transformed them into the person that they’re meant to become, whether that’s good, bad, or downright ugly.

And if there’s one character that has really got a hold on me lately, it’s one that has always held a special place in my heart…

It’s Quasimodo from Victor Hugo's Notre-Dame de Paris…

AKA The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

🎶 All my life, I’ watch them as I hide up here alone; hungry for the histories they’ve shown me… 🎶

For those of you who don’t know the story, it’s about a hunchback names Quasimodo who’s the bell ringer of Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris during the Middle Ages. He was born deformed, making him an outcast and an object of both fear and ridicule among the citizens of Paris.

That changes when he befriends a gypsy (now called Romany) named Esmeralda, who shows him kindness and love.

His whole world turns upside down by these turn of events, and he goes on a journey to discover that it’s not the outside that matters, but what’s on the inside that counts. And the heart who has felt so much and the soul that experiences the world can truly be a beautiful thing to behold.

🎶 All my life I’ve memorized their faces; knowing them as they will never know me… 🎶

All his life, Quasimodo was told that the world would view him as ugly, and he would be feared and hated for what he looked like on the outside because outside appearances are far more important than what’s on the inside. It was for his own protection to stay inside the walls of Notre Dame, up in the bell tower, and ring the bells for each of the services of the day. And Quasimodo, for 21 years, accepted this and understood it wholeheartedly. Until one day, he experienced something that had been bubbling inside of him for a while... Longing. 🎶 All my life I wonder how it feels to pass a day, not above them... 🎶 There's something beautiful about longing for something so simple, and yet so powerful, as to just walk outside and be treated like a normal human being. Except you're not so normal physically. But you can still feel all the emotions, feel the sunshine on your face, feel the breeze blowing around you, and just feel the rapture of just being out there among everyone else. It's such a simple thing to just spend one day out in the world after being sheltered for so long, and experience life's joys and sorrows for only a moment. But for Quasimodo, it would mean the world to him to just have one day out there. Just one. One day to hold forever in his heart. Perhaps it's the reason why I find "Out There" from The Hunchback of Notre Dame to be my all time favorite "I want..." songs from the Disney canon. It's a wish so simple, yet so deep and profound, that you can't help but root for Quasimodo to have just one day out there... And just to be accepted as a human being, his grotesque appearance notwithstanding. Maybe deep down, that's what all of us want. To spend just one day out there, experiencing joy, laughter, music, and the sunshine without being judged on our appearances or who we are or where we come from. It's something I've been wanting for a long time... 🎶 But part of them. 🎶

Ever since I've been going through all of these changes in my life, I'm starting to be more in tune with who I really am. No more hiding behind the facades and masks I've been wearing for much of my life. It was time to shed some of the skin I've been wearing, and start over again. And begin a journey of discovering some of the deepest thoughts and reflections that I've held within me for who knows how long, and letting them out on paper (or in blog posts). I've gone back to naturally curly hair, and even embraced my original hair color again. I've learned what truly brings me joy, and how to speak up for myself and advocate for my needs. I've come to accept my traits, and believe in both the light and the dark side of myself. And love them both just the same. And more than ever, I'm beginning to breathe again and see the world in a whole new way. And that's got me thinking about a lot of things, many of it deep. The biggest conclusion I came up with? Like Quasimodo, all I ask is for just one day where I can be myself, with no judgment or fear whenever I walk by. No one staring at me incredulously with my naturally curly hair, my birthmark, or even when I smile. And I just want the chance to be myself and enjoy the simple pleasures of life, the littlest things that people don't tend to notice. It's such a simple thing, but after being sheltered and hiding for so long, it's the biggest desire of my heart. 🎶 Out there, among the millers and the weavers and their wives, through the roofs and gables I can see them... 🎶 As I've lived a sheltered life (even as I went about my day), I could see people of all shapes and sizes, and from a distant, observe their goings on, conversations, body language, and more. I could see their joy, weariness, sorrow, frustration, obnoxiousness, anger, passion, laughter, and more. But I've also noticed just how numb, even selfish, they are to be living their lives. They're so busy looking at their phones, their tablets, and other screens that they forget to see the wonders of the world. It's no secret that when I'm on the metro I don't look at my phone all the time. There's just too much to see in nature, and when you think about it, seeing the world outside of your screen can do wonders for you. I enjoy looking out the window and seeing the world go by each season, each day. And you can catch some details on your adventures outside. Even on walks, I notice the littlest things that can take my breath away... Like raindrops on flowers. The smell of lavender in a garden that's full of them. Roses or foxgloves rising up high on vines. The way the sky changes as the sun sets. The clouds scuttling across the sky. The way people enjoy having a conversation together on their walks (without looking on their phones, mind you!). The way the cherry blossom petals flow so gently off the trees when the wind blows. There's just beauty in nature, and yet people are so caught up in their screens that they miss it. Or worser still, they're so engulfed in their own selfish desires to just be left alone or be inconsiderate of other's needs that they forget to be kind and understanding... And it's all because of they don't know what it means to be human. 🎶 Every day, they shout and scold and go about their lives, heedless of the gift that it is to be them... 🎶 But just like Quasimodo, one day out there has its own traumas and heartaches. I'm pretty sure you've witnessed people being inconsiderate of others everywhere you go, especially on the metro. I've had one unfortunate day when I witnessed a group of teens jumping the fare gate, and I called them out for not paying the fare. They were disrespectful to me and backtalked at me, and my anger and frustration got the better of me. (I may have given them the finger... twice.) But as I was hurrying home, I could just feel my blood boil. How did we as a society become so selfish? And why aren't there people out there doing anything to show others that it's wrong to be so selfish and inconsiderate? I mean, it's bad enough that today's teens and youth are more rude and disrespecful than ever before, with no parents around to discipline them for their bad behaviors. But even adults are guilty of this as well. Some people out there are just plain horrible, and it breaks my heart that's been so sheltered for so long.

The world shouldn't be this way, and yet here we are in 2025, just as selfish and cruel as ever. It's no secret that people are being judged left and right for what they look like, how they speak, or how they dress. And some are being punished or persecuted for no reason other than fear. And that got me thinking... Am I a threat to someone simply because I look different from everyone else? Am I to be feared simply because my hair looks different, or that I have a big birthmark on my face? Am I a problem simply because I talk so well and don't do the same things some people in my race are assumed to do? Am I such a terrible person because I tend to give into love, and I feel so many things deeply simply because I want the world to be a better place and for everyone to get along and accept everyone's differences as gifts, not threats? Is it wrong for me to call out the injustices of this world and long for a day where people acknowledge their humanity, and not be afraid of each other? Maybe that's why my anger is at a fever pitch right now. So much fear... So many inconsiderate and misguided individuals (teens, especially)... So much division... So much hatred... So much ingratitude... And so much confusion. It can be overwhelming for yours truly... And even harder to accept that this is the way the world works now. But that just makes it harder for me to believe that there isn't any good in the world, and people can learn to love and understand one another without fear. It is possible! 🎶 If I walked in their skin, I'd treasure every instant! 🎶 Yes, the world can be a scary place, even cruel. But there are still moments of joy and light that can be found when you're least expecting it. Maybe it's actually looking up from your phone for more than a moment to see it. And to actually live in the world in order to discover its beauty. Your world can't be found on your screens, whether that's your laptop, smartphone, or tablet. Even all of the knowledge of the world can't be found there. I'm a firm believer of actually going outside and exploring your world, and even getting out of your comfort zone to see the beauty of this place we call home. Sometimes you have to absorb history away from your screens through monuments and museums. Sometimes you have to smell flowers and witness the vibrant colors away from your screens through gardens and arboretums. Sometimes you have to taste the ingredients of your favorite foods away from your screens through in-person dining and cooking classes (without your screens to distract you when you're eating!). Sometimes you have to feel the pages and the ink of books away from your screen through libraries and bookstores, and even reading outside on beautiful day. The world is a wonderful place, and screens can't replace the feeling of witnessing life in person. Not even AI or ChatGPT can do that. It is okay to put down your phone for a while, not even look at it for a glance. There's so much more out there than you can find on your screens or scrolling aimlessly on social media. Even I have to remember to let go of my phone from time to time just to observe the world around me while also getting lost in my music or podcast. It's okay to shuffle your playlist as you go about your day... And just look at the world around you. It's also okay to just be caught up in the sights, sounds, and smells of the world without background noise.

Birds singing in the trees. Freshly baked bread. Freshly brewed coffee. The earth after a rainfall. Fresh snow after a snowstorm. Cookies just coming out of the oven. The sunrise of a brand new day. The stars in the night sky. Dancers onstage pirouetting to the melody. Colorful fabrics from India, Africa, or Japan. Cinnamon rolls from your favorite bakery. Autumn leaves changing colors and falling out of the trees on the breeze. Tulips blooming just in time for Easter. Couples walking together hand in hand. A child's laughter when seeing something new or funny for the first time. It's okay to be immersed in the world for a while. Without holding onto your phone, or even glancing at it. You know why so many think the world can be a scary place? It's because of all of the bad things we see on the news or on social media. And it makes us frightened, confused, hurt, and outraged. It causes us to stay inside within the walls of our cathedral, and not risk being out there just so we can get hurt and angry. But it's not nature or the weather or even the buildings that make it a cruel place. It's the people who have darkness in their hearts that makes the world a cruel place. It's the people who only care about themselves and don't help others or take other's needs into consideration that makes the world a cruel place. It's the people who see others who don't look like them as a threat and a presumed fear to their very existence that makes the world a cruel place. It's the people who don't take the time to teach, guide, and discipline with love and morality that makes the world a cruel place. It's the people who don't have a backbone and stand up for what's right that makes the world a cruel place. It's the people who don't share their vast resources and knowledge with others to make lives better that makes the world a cruel place. It's the people who aren't willing to learn and accept change that makes the world a cruel place. It's the people who use other's weaknesses and struggles as their own gain that makes the world a cruel place. It's the people who give into their own darkness after giving up fighting for the light and use it as a compass to harm others that makes the world a cruel place. It's people that make the world a cruel place. People who don't care. People who don't take responsibility. People who don't hold themselves or others accountable for their actions. People who are selfish. People who are manipulative and controlling. People who don't think for themselves. People who don't fight back for what they believe in. People who give into fear based on appearances. People who are afraid of change. People who only see the atrocities of the world. They're the reason why the world is a cruel place. And that's why my heart breaks even more when I see it every day. And makes me retreat back inside, safe and sound. Dreaming of a day when the world can be good, and people can be good again... And not let the darkness win. It is possible to let the light inside... And let love be victorious in the end. (With so much changes going on in my life, it's nice to tie one of my favorite characters and a beloved song to this week's post. And offer some deep reflections along the way. But as a reminder, these are my reflections and observations. You are welcome to disagree with everything and anything I've said, but I will not tolerate any hate speech, offensive language, or divisive comments from anyone. We all need to learn to agree to disagree with each other, and appreciate our differences. If you can't do a simple thing as that, I will block you.)

Like Quasimodo, I long for a day, just one day, out there. A day where I can walk among humanity without judgment from others, without fear, and without prejudice. I want to be able to walk for just one day where no one is afraid of what they see on the outside, and not be intimidated or alarmed by my spirit. I've learned that some people have a tendency to be a bit put off by my friendliness, or take it the wrong way. And that's always hard for someone who enjoys smiling at others. And it's also hard to accept that I have to protect my spirit and my heart from the people out there who may want to harm me or make my blood boil by their own darkness. Sometimes, the hardest lesson to learn is to see people's true colors after an initial introduction, especially those who you thought had your best interests at heart. And seeing firsthand just how selfish people be can. For someone who's very sensitive, those are always the hardest lessons to learn. Because I genuinely believe that there's a chance that someone in their darkness there's a small glimmer of goodness inside them. Can I let you in on a little secret? I've always had a way of experiencing the world as if I'm a child. Rose colored glasses, I believe is the phrase. Eyes always filled with wonder, a curious and inquisitive mind, and a heart filled with so much love. And like little children, they can get hurt easily, even if they are the strongest in the midst of trauma and tragedy. I've had my share of trauma and grief, and I'm finally learning how to move from it and become myself again. Sometimes it has to take years of hiding behind the parapets of stone to realize how much you're losing yourself. How much you want to actually start to live your life instead of letting it go by. As a very wise gargoyle once said: "Life's not a spectator sport. If watching is all you're going to do, then you're going to watch your life go on by without you." I can't keep on watching my life go on without me, not anymore. And I also can't keep hiding in fear and within the confines of my cathedral. As someone who has a childlike view of the world, I want to be out there... My heart on my sleeve. Hope in my heart. And unashamedly myself. There's beauty in the world that cannot be found on your screens, just as there's beauty and goodness in the people I meet. We shouldn't be afraid of each other, nor should we let the darkness win. The world is a wonderful place. All we have to do is spend it... Out there. 🎶 Won't resent, won't despair, old and bent, I won't care! I'll have spent one day out there! 🎶