Unexpected Blessings

How did we end up in July? Not just July, but late July? It's definitely maddening to realize that time stops for no one... Especially when you have lots to do! Of course, I'm happy to say that Define "Black" was a great success - the audiences in attendance were enthusiastic by this work in progress, and with all of the positive reviews and constructive feedback I've received, it's almost certain that this script will have a prosperous future beyond the DMV. And it's one that excites me... And terrifies me half out of my mind. Because this whole entire process asked for so much of me that I didn't realize I needed to summon. For starters, I had to rely so heavily on my courage and strength, even to the breaking point. And especially when I was terrified of whether or not it will come together (SPOILER ALERT: It did come together, thankfully!). I had to push through the fear - which is what courage actually is. Going through things in spite of the fear, not the absence of fear. I had to make executive decisions, and trust others to carry it out without me taking on so much after carrying so much of the weight for so long. I had to trust that my words would be heard, understood, and even valued because it came from my own experiences and the steps I took each day. I had to believe that there would be an audience who would be curious and even excited by a new work that has the potential of becoming something wonderful. I had to remember to breathe deeply. Lord knows I've forgotten how to do that so many times! And I had to remember to take a step back and allow the actors to bring the words to life, and trust that they knew what to do and can do it well, if not brilliantly, than I've ever imagined they could do so. In many ways, I've proved a lot of people wrong. But the one person I proved wrong the most? Yours truly. This was one of those times where I stepped out of my comfort zone into a new part of the arts I didn't know much about, namely playwriting and producing. Now, I can say I'm a pretty good writer, but I had a lot to learn about being a producer. I knew what it sort of sounds like as the credits roll after a film is over - they oversaw the production in a monumental way. They took care of the fundraising, decided on marketing, and made connections to make sure the projects and works get the best representation possible from a good audience and a good team to back them up. I didn't realize that I didn't need to do it all from the very beginning - casting, directing, marketing, accounting, mediation, playwriting, AND producer - and not only not do it all, but doing it all at once! I guess diving headfirst into producing got me more than I bargained for, and by the time I started rehearsals, I was more than relieved to hand off much of the duties to someone else. Now, before I go any further, this week's blog post isn't about me dissecting what happened in rehearsals and performances of Define "Black." And while there were plenty of challenges as an emerging playwright and first-time producer, I actually want to focus on the good of what happened with Define "Black." Even if what you hoped and prayed for didn't turn out what you expected it to be, there can still be some good that comes from what ended up happening... Or even not happening. In the midst of chaos, you might just find something good that can come from this, even if it's just making it through. Sometimes the best way to get out isn't actually getting out at all... But perhaps it's actually going through it to help you see what you're made of, and who you can become from all the curve balls thrown at you. Maybe that's where the best blessings come from: The chaos and the uncertainty can bring out the unprecedented joy, satisfaction, and even relief that you got through it. Or maybe it's just a sense of relief and gratitude that there are people out there who truly care about the work and will go leaps and bounds to make sure the show does go on. Call it a hail Mary... Call it a half-court miracle... Call it a shot in the dark... Call it a walk off grand slam in the bottom of the ninth inning of the World Series (hey, it could happen, right?)... Call it whatever you will. But those are the best kind of unexpected blessings that can happen when the situation is the most dire. And it may help you move forward in the process.

After opening night, I cried tears of joy and relief. Which is totally understandable if you're in my position, or in any position related to production, come to think of it. First, the readings came out so beautifully, and the words and the actions of the actresses made me have an out of body experience. My words - MY words - literally jumping off the page. And the audience hung onto every word, every line, every laugh, every reaction. And I was in awe of how it all came together in a short amount of time. Those tears I cried for both performances were truly tears of joy. My story, my lived experience, and this script was a success; and now my script has a future, even beyond all of my expectations. I can breathe easier that the readings turned out even better than what I anticipated... But more importantly, because of what I learned, what I'm capable of, and what I can do differently next time it happens. Well, wait. What did happen? There have been times in the world of theatre where there were last minute changes to casts, creative teams, and even directors due to "unforeseen circumstances." In other words, actors, choreographers, directors, assistant directors, costume designers, stage managers, or anyone who is valuable to a production left within a few days of the show or project's opening night, or even the first preview. And behind the scenes, there is the scrambling of finding replacement artists and creatives who can help carry on the role or job responsibility to help keep the show going as planned, without any of the knowledge getting out into the audience or supporters because it may paint a negative picture on the theatre company or the individual. All that matters is that the show goes on and the visions come to life to bring audiences together, without all of the drama spilling out into the public. Well, what does that have to do with me, you ask? To put it bluntly - Let's just say that I've directly and indirectly experienced this... On both sides of the table. But this blog isn't the time or place to spill the tea on what exactly happened. But it does play a big part of what comes next. Much to my surprise, and even horror, people leaving productions of any sort - musicals, plays, staged readings, festivals, dance recitals - days before opening (or in some cases, hours before opening) has happened quite frequently in the theatre industry. In fact, I feel like it's only increasing more and more lately. The biggest question I've had after seeing stories like this from fellow artists and creatives simply came down to one word: Why? Why would actors, choreographers, directors, assistant directors, costume designers, stage managers, anyone who is valuable to a production decide to up and leave with only days or hours before opening, especially after signing a contract and sticking with it for so long up to this point? Why would they do something so unprofessional like leaving so suddenly and not think about the consequences of the show or project set to open, or even run the risk of that project not even happening? Well... I actually don't have the answer to this. Except several possibilities from the stories I've heard: Maybe the environment was too destructive or harmful to their mental and emotional wellbeing, and they needed to find a way out without heading into the performance run, and doing it days before was the only way. Maybe they stayed with the project in hopes of it getting better with their own creative feedback and knowledge, but not being considered or even heard in the process that would prove satisfactory for them and everyone else. Maybe they desperately needed the money and were willing to compromise their values until they absolutely couldn't do it anymore. Maybe where they started with the process didn't end up staying the same where it ended up, and they didn't believe in it anymore. Maybe they were just tired of fighting. Who knows? At this point in my life, I can wonder and suppose and dream and fume and bemoan all I want, but I can't truly figure out people's thoughts and what they're really thinking. All I can do is grieve, process, and try to move forward. Which is what I and so many others who have done. I think the biggest thing to remember is to BREATHE through it all. Lord knows I've forgotten how to breathe (it's worth saying twice for those of you who weren't paying attention the first time)! And then, this is hard to remember in the moment: Things happen, even if we've planned for every scenario possible - illness, injury, financial pitfall, electricity not going well, or even death. And it's normal for things that are out of our control to happen in the world of theatre, just like it's normal to feel overwhelmed and shocked and angered by people abruptly leaving days before a show opens. And it's okay to cry. I've done that, too. But you have to remember that's it not all about you in this moment. It's about your actors, the creative team, and the supporters who have stayed with you to this point, and will continue to stay with you through the duration of the run. It's about the show going on for the audience, many of them your family and friends, who want to see all of your hard work coming to fruition, no matter what shape or form it is in. For once, you may have to put your needs to the side for a little bit to make sure the ship doesn't capsize and everyone else drowns from the recent calamity. I think someone mentioned how important communication is to everyone who's involved in the show or project. Maybe having an important meeting where all of the information and details are explained plainly, and also have the space for allowing everyone else to share their feelings and concerns moving forward. It's a way to have people know where this production stands, and to find any possible way forward. Because sometimes the best way forward is to not move forward at all, and that's okay, too. But willing to fight for a way forward is always the first step in making sure the show will go on as planned. I also believe that making sure that everyone is heard, seen, and validated can be on the same level as fighting to have the show go on as planned. It's a lot to handle for one person... Just remember you're not alone, and they don't say "it takes a village" for nothing. Something I've discovered recently is what happens when you do a bit of inner gardening: After you've pulled out all of the weeds, cut off the dead branches, pruned the bushes, spread some fertilizer around the ground, and planted some seeds, the most wonderful things can grow after you've made all of that room from dumping out everything that no longer has a place in your garden. Life has a way of doing that, too. When you do all of the difficult work of deep reflection, accountability, and making a concrete effort to change, things start to happen and open up in ways you've never thought possible. Think about it: You've decided to unfollow and cut out people in your life that no longer have a viable purpose, or even decided to seek out the truth of what you originally believed was the absolute factual truth, when in reality, it's nowhere near the truth. From there, you start to form your own conclusions, more positive affirmations, up your standards (or establish them if you've never had them to start with), and listen to your own voice after years of following people or some of the crowds that may have not always had your best interests at heart. And maybe from there, you start to realize how lighter you feel after taking off so much of the weight, literally and figuratively. But more importantly, you start to see some unexpected changes that may actually be for your benefit after you let certain people out of your life, let go of false narratives about yourself, and do something out of the ordinary that may turn out to be good for you. In a way, letting go of what no longer serves you, and ending relationships with people who may be harming you more than helping you might actually be doing you a favor. There's the possibility of doors opening that you might not have realized that were meant for you to go through, and even challenging you to do something new that can help you grow. Maybe doing all of that pruning and weed pulling and planting new seeds is just the thing to help you propel forward. The same can apply to the arts, too. I know it's a sad thing to say, but there are some shows and projects that are never truly cast right 100% of the time. But somehow, in the grand scheme of things, it works out. But what happens if it doesn't necessarily work out in the way you want it to? Particularly when people up and leave several days before opening? What do you do then? Well, as mentioned earlier, you hurry up and find the right people to fill in those empty spaces to keep the show going... And then just trust that it will all come together. In many cases, it does. In a lot of cases, it does come together in an unexpected way. When the people decide to leave without warning, or within several days of opening night, there can be a great deal of stress and worry. But maybe their departures could be an unexpected blessing in disguise. There could be more harmony in the cast and crew, and even a little bit of fun with working on the script and the show for the next month or so. There could be more clarity on what went wrong in the moment after so many years of things being muddled and without any problems being truly solved from the root. There could be more time devoted to rehearsals and running the show without any problems and complaining or "hurry and wait" time. There could be a restored sense of urgency in honoring the work of the playwright, the director's vision, and the heart of the story coming together. Without the added stress. There could be a special bonding over everyone going through this abrupt change, and knowing that no one is truly alone in this industry, regardless of what's being said otherwise. There could be some amazing discoveries from the actors and creative team when the show is being performed onstage, without so much of the strain and stress from the people who abruptly left. And maybe the best unexpected blessing you can get is to just breathe easier. Being able to feel safe, good, sane, and positive in the rehearsal and performance spaces is worth all of the blessings in the world. Perhaps their leaving the show was their loss, but actually turned out to be your gain to actually breathe, think more clearly, and find a way to move forward, whatever that looks like for the show or project. And it doesn't have to just be situations like this. It could be as simple as you not getting that role at the final callbacks, or not going to that audition for health purposes, or that project falling through before rehearsals were supposed to even start, losing that funding for that project you worked so hard on, or even missing the cutoff for submitting for that show... by one minute. The most unexpected blessings can come from when things look their bleakest. It may not be in the moment, but they do come. And those blessings can make themselves known in the most beautiful of ways. (While I'm not at liberty to share all of the details of what has happened behind the scenes in some of the projects and shows I've been a part of, I think it's important to recognize that something like this happens quite frequently and focus on the potential good that can come from this. But like so many of my blog posts, these are simply my observations and reflections, and they may not always be 100% correct. Which is why I welcome conversations like this to agree to disagree on what I've said and what others have shared and experienced. What I won't tolerate is any form of offensive language, hate speech, and divisive words to further hurt us. We all need to learn to live with each other and appreciate our differences as human beings, and that can be a beautiful thing. If you can't do a simple thing like that, I will block you.)

It sucks when the unexpected happens after all of the planning you've done, and not in a good way. You feel like there's so much working against you, and there seems to be a mountain that came out of nowhere that's tough to climb up, or even through, to make it to the other side. In that moment, you may experience panic, outrage, and grief. But you also face a new resolve to make this work, no matter what it takes (as long as it's not against the law, as my mother would often say). You pray and wish for a miracle, and it comes in the form of people hopefully being willing to step up and rise to the occasion. And then, once that happens, something even more beautiful happens. You start to breathe easier and you feel not as stressed as you did before. You see wonderful work start to evolve and come to life in the midst of rehearsals and performances. Maybe you might have another door open from what you thought you lost, and it turns out that loss was a gain for you. It could be a higher paying project than the one you were originally committed to. It could be an environment that's safer and healthier for you. It could be networking with someone on a new project, and that could turn into more projects aligning with what you really need. It could even be as simple as getting more rest and healing time. Or even just spending time with your loved ones or even yourself. The unexpected blessings that come from the most dire of situations are always the ones that teach you gratitude. Along with character, humility, resourcefulness, strength, courage, and kindness. You may feel broken in the moment, but even in the brokenness you can piece yourself together to create something even more profoundly amazing than you've ever imagined. No matter what side of the table you're on in this industry, there's a lot of unspoken rules that can deem you unprofessional after the type of behavior you've exhibited in a show or project. Leaving a production days out from opening is one of those unspoken rules that's practically a capital sin in a lot of people's eyes, no matter if your reasons are valid. But no matter what the situation is, it's important to know that one's character offstage and how they treat others in the rehearsal room and in the community is just as important as the roles they play onstage. As I've come to see over the past decade, theatre communities are quite small, and word does get around about one person's appalling behavior... And the consequences that may or may not follow because of it. My advice? Be kind to one another, including the audition monitors and the accompanists in the auditions, and treat others like human beings. That doesn't necessarily mean you to have to be buddy-buddy with everyone, but that also doesn't give you the right to treat anyone who isn't at the same level as you are as inferior. Even to the point of abusing them behind closed doors and then getting away with it because you're the only one right for the project or even have all of the money to make it possible. And possibly silence those who were harmed by ending their careers just to keep your career going as pristine and excellent in the eyes of the adoring public. Nor does it give you the right to take control or change a project to fit your own satisfaction just because you don't like the way it's written or being directed and want to make it fit within your own comfort zone, no matter how much clout or knowledge you have. It will come back to bite you. And people will find out about it one way or another. And believe me, you don't want to be on that side of the unexpected blessings. Because the only blessing you're going to get (if you want it) is a huge ounce of humble pie... Once you realize you stuck your foot in your mouth and potentially fall rock bottom in the process. It's not a good place to be in, and as someone who's been nearly there or even got to that point in her career, I wouldn't want to wish it on my own enemies. Now, that's just karma waiting to happen. The best thing I can do in this case is pray for forgiveness on both sides, and let God take care of the rest. It's out of my hands at this point. But there's one more thing that I can do in a case like this: Focus on all of the good that came from things nearly falling apart. Your community rallying around you, even if it's just in prayers and offering meals. The cast and creative team coming together to put a show on in a timely fashion, even if it's being in the same boat. Amazing work and talent being shone on display in the remaining rehearsals and performances. New jobs coming together if a project falls through. New connections and friendships being made. More time to rest and spend with loved ones. And seeing how your character does shine brightly when circumstances are at their worst. Sometimes the good can come out in the most unexpected of ways, and lead you to exactly where you're meant to be. But most of all, it can show you that you can survive a very tough industry, and just not on talent alone. You're destined for greatness... And sometimes being put into new and uncomfortable situations is the most unexpected blessing of all.