The Play's Still the Thing... Right?

Hey! It's been a minute since I last wrote. Part of it was due to Memorial Day weekend, and I just couldn't find it in me to do a blog post after a nice weekend off. But the other part was due to something that I didn't expect to happen: I somehow became an actor & writer... And now PRODUCER. That's right - I am self-producing a staged reading for an upcoming local festival this summer! My original play, Define "Black," will be making its world premiere at the local fringe festival this summer, and I couldn't be happier. I can tell you right now that being a producer is a lot of work. A lot of the time you have to dive into this headfirst, and without much prior knowledge of how being a producer actually works. You have to find your cast, director, stage manager, fundraise to pay your cast & crew, create and plan marketing materials, plan out rehearsal ideas and spaces, send out plenty of emails to make sure everyone is on the same page, send out marketing materials to various sites and businesses to get the word out, draft out a rehearsal schedule (including tech), and have your vision in place for everyone to go along with it, or at least be willing to collaborate with everyone. Yeah, it's been a lot, and I must confess that I'm currently experiencing burnout because of having so many duties as a producer, not to mention an actor who is sitll submitting for auditions and a playwright who's making drafts of the play specifically for the festival and making sure to send off the play to other organizations who may be interested in doing this play with their own company. And even though it's a staged reading, there's still much to be done, and it seems like whenever I complete one task, there tends to be more that comes up in meetings and conversations that I need to take care of. If you've been with me for a number of years, I have a tendency to overload my plate, primarily out of fear of failure and letting others down. But lately, I've been finding that people genuinely want to help me out so that I don't get so overwhelmed and overburdened, and I'm welcoming the assistance. And then there's something else about being a producer that's downright frightening: You have to be just as much of a leader as you are a collaborator. For the first time, I have to make decisions and set guidelines on how to run safe, efficient, creative, and fun rehearsals. That includes making sure everyone is reading their emails, establishing ground rules for rehearsals, having an overall vision for the reading and its potential future, asking questions from the organization so that I can relay it back to the artists, being flexible with everyone's schedule and delays in responses (including my own), and trying not to run around like a chicken with its head cut off. Somehow, being a producer alongside an actor and playwright wasn't exactly what I had in the cards when I started this year. It sort of came at me unexpectedly. But here's the thing: No matter how much work I'm putting into this, I wouldn't change it for anything. Because I get to flex my creative muscle in a totally new way, and one where people are impressed and appreciated by what I have to offer. I had no idea that so many people would enjoy my writing and my play, and that has brought an understanding of how much I can offer to my career instead of always just waiting for someone to give me the opportunities. There's so much power and control when you decide to create your own work, and it's a great feeling to tell the industry that there's more to me than just one thing. And that I can make my own opportunities from it instead of waiting for them (though that's still the case for multi-hyphenate artists). Here's something I've noticed for this first half of the year (I know, I can't believe we're halfway through 2026, either.): I'm seeing many of my friends, acquaintances, and fellow artists doing all of the things we normally do - auditions, callbacks, performances, networking, trips, shows, galas, etc. - but at the same time, the number of projects and shows have substantially dwindled down in terms of how many of them are actually working. So many of them haven't been able to get the roles and opportunities they audition for much of the year, let alone for a substantial amount of time since they booked the last role. And then there's the uncertainty and stress and fears that come with it. I think all of us can agree that February was rough for all of us. A ton of auditions, callbacks, and opportunities that fell through at the last minute, and many things that went kaput in our lives. There were plenty of tears, venting, and worries about whether or not we're ever going to work again. I should know, I was one of them. And now, here we are in June, and I'm producing a staged reading at a local fringe festival. While also making sure I continue acting and writing. It's definitely something different than what I'm normally doing this time of year. Around this time, I would probably be in rehearsals for a show (possibly going to fringe), doing season auditions and EPAs for my regional area theatre companies and organizations, and planning things out for the fall. But this year is a little different: I'm producing, writing a ton more, and still acting. While at the same time, I'm not going out for as much projects as I normally would, and I'm drifting towards a new sense of myself than where I was a year ago. And maybe there's a part of me that wonders whether or not all of these changes, or pivots, are really worth it in the end. I bet you're asking yourself the same thing right now. All of the work you're putting into your careers, and even trying, or pivoting to something new, hasn't really moved the needle in the way that you want it to move. And you stop and ask yourself: "Does my career even still matter at this point?" "Can I continue to make a living with the lack of opportunities out there for me?" "Is there anything more I need to do to get into those spaces and rooms?" "Am I really deserving of all of the good things that I'm working so hard for?" "Am I meant to be somewhere else than right here, right now?" "Should I give up being an actor for good and get a real job?" I bet those questions are on a lot of people's minds right now. I know it has been for me, too. Let's dive into this.

I'm going to be blunt about something: The world of the performing arts is in a weird place right now. You could say that things are topsy-turvy at the moment. Or even maddening. Or even "what the f---" is going on right now. Believe me, I'm right there with you. Nothing seems to be making sense right now, and I can't for the life of me figure out why! I'm doing everything right - attending auditions, going to classes and workshops, networking, attending opening nights and galas and shows, updating my materials, working on my health - physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual - and wellbeing, looking inward and really figuring out what is working and what no longer works, putting myself first more often... And yet, it is not leading me anywhere that I want to be. But at the same time, I'm leaning into a new aspect of my career that is challenging me in so many ways that I often can't make heads or tails of it. For me, it's writing a play and self-producing it. For some, it's going back to school and getting their masters degree. For others, it's leaving the industry altogether and going into a brand new field that is more fulfilling than what they've put up with for much of their lives. And it's hard trying to make sense of it all... Or even if it will all work out in the end. The big question is: Why is it happening NOW?

And the even bigger question is: HOW do I move forward with all of these questions and changes? Obviously, so many of our lives are being forced to make a 180 with what's currently going on in the world - war in the Middle East, high prices of food and gas, tons of people out of work, dissent in the streets, a huge rift in our political parties, a lack of leadership or even backbone from our elected officials, drastic cuts to school programs and education systems to balance the budget, the rise of Artificial Intelligence, and the list goes on and on. The arts aren't immune to this, unfortunately. We've been a substantial amount of arts programs in schools and universities cut. We've also seen funding drastically lessened due to the termination of valuable programs that helps keeps institutions and programs afloat. We've also seen theatre companies and organizations force to downsize its staff or make cuts to departments in order to keep themselves from being so far in the red. We've also seen theatre companies and organizations shut down. Not to mention bachelor and master programs in the fine arts and performing arts ending their programs permanently. But when it comes to performers and creators like myself, the 180 is quite different and even drastic than many people realize. Someone shared some gossip - spilled the tea - on their thoughts on the current state of the theatre at this present moment. While I won't share their name, I will share the link to the video for you to watch... And I'll give you a brief summary of what they said. In layman's terms, Broadway seems to want to hire big name stars from film and reality TV, namely the "A" and "B" stars, who can bring in audiences. And that has caused some of the "A" and "B" list Broadway household names like Rob McClure, Ben Platt, Victoria Clark, Christian Borle, and several others, to head down to regional theatre companies outside of Broadway to take on some work in the regional theatre productions of highly anticipated shows. And in turn, that has caused a substantial number of ensemble tracks in musical theatre productions that were reserved for Equity actors to now go towards non-union actors, which, if you're an Equity performer who primarily does ensemble tracks with dancing in musical theatre, that's not good news. To make matters worse, many theatre companies are now doing shows and plays with smaller casts and fewer ensemble tracks, and often are doubling up the understudy roles to only a few actors to take on at one time, which means that an understudy may be covering up to four roles at one time for a 6-8 person show, instead of having one person cover only one role, as it's supposed to be in theatre. (People who cover more than one role shouldn't be called understudies, by the way. They're called SWINGS. Get it right, people!) And then, to add onto a lot of what was already said, many theatre companies and organizations are now relying on their heavy hitters more than ever to make a show successful, even if that particular person doesn't necessarily fit the character description. It's a "who you know" type of ordeal that's gone into overkill these past few years... And it's making artists like myself wonder about a lot of things at the moment. Like if there's anything else I need to do on my end in order to FINALLY break in, such as go back to school to get my master's or consider getting a manager and/or agent. Or maybe venture out to a brand new location, where the talent pool is smaller and I have a much better chance at getting in the bigger spaces. Or maybe create my own work and self-produce it to attract the attention of the theatre companies and organizations at the hope of getting it into a full production (which I'm currently working on, by the way). Or maybe I need to do what Alysa Liu did and take some time away to do all of the things I wanted to do, and then come back with a new appreciation and love for acting and writing again. Or maybe keep on working on my craft and skills with coaches and teachers, and keep on submitting to new companies and organizations with the hope of being recognized. Or maybe I need to branch out and do things differently, and challenge myself to do something different that may catch people, and myself, by surprise at how good I can actually be. Or maybe... The truth is... I'm doing and thinking of so many of those things, and yet... I'm not sure if any of them feels right or certain right now. What seems like a sure step in the right direction turns out to be a dead end, or maybe that detour I took isn't getting me anywhere, or maybe that roadmap I had isn't quite readable enough for me to decipher and I have to start all over again. And it seems to be like that for a lot of us. What we all thought was so certain and sure for us to do as performers, artists, and creatives, doesn't seem to be that way right now. Especially when all of the work we're putting into what we studied in school, or learned on the fly, or even found our education by doing, is not coming to fruition in the way that we want it to be. Call it throwing spaghetti at the wall hoping that it will stick. Call it desperation and will do anything to keep working and flexing our creative muscles. Call it taking control of our lives by doing something entirely different and hoping that it will actually lead somewhere. Call it surrendering to a higher power and manifesting our deepest desires to the universe. Call it making lemonade when life gives you lemons, no matter how sour it ends. Call it chaos. Call it confusion. Call it murky. Call it infuriating. Call it frustrating. Call it whatever you will. It's just a big, fat MESS right now... And we're all just trying to figure things out right now. More than likely, while doing it on the fly. We're artists, we can do this! Right? Well... Yes... But not like this! One thing I've noticed lately is how many people are doing things that are different than what their original plan was as artists and creatives. Think about it: You've made it your life's work to work in fundraising in the arts. You spend many hours networking and connecting with the highest donors, biggest organizations, and even local grassroots organizations to get money to help fund a specific program or theatre company because you believe in the mission of that specific theatre company or organization you work at. Or you just believe that having the necessary funds to help those in need in the arts can make things more accessible to everyone, no matter what their income level is. You spend years, maybe decades even, championing this cause, until one day, out of the blue, you start to fixate on how some things are still truly broken and even beyond repair, no matter how many times you advocated for change. Or even if you did advocate for change, there were people who decided to turn things backwards, and make it all the more harder to get things more accessible for others. Or even in the case of donors, it's been harder to get money from them because they need to hold onto every single penny for their loved ones, or if they're getting old and need to determine their final expenses, or they may be turning towards causes that don't necessarily align with the current state of the world. As sad as it is, some people are no longer contributing as much to the arts like they have before because of how bad things are right now, and more important fundraisers and critical programs take precedent over the arts. Things like healthcare, women's health (including the right to abortions and birth control), racial discrimination and racism, LGBTQIA+ rights, the rights of free speech, education, affordable housing, livable wages, free public transportation for all... And maybe, in the midst of all of this going on, you start to feel weary about everything you've put your heart and soul into, and you're not sure if it's still worth it to continue in this field. Or maybe, there's something else that calls to your attention and piques your interest. Something that doesn't necessarily involve the arts. And so, you decide to leave your position in development in the arts and move into a different field. And possibly lean into your skillset in a way that both challenges and excites you in a new way. It's the same with a lot of artists and creatives and arts professionals I know or hear about. After so many years of being in one place or career for so long, you decide to venture forth and try something new, whether that's at a different location within the arts or in a different sector. Or even a different state. There may be a sense of weariness and frustration over how you're being treated and not being able to get the respect or even a say in how things should run, or even feel discouraged by the lack of change within in your field. And so, in total frustration and exhaustion, you decide to look elsewhere... And possible do something else... That can challenge and excite you in a new way. A way you haven't felt since you first started your journey in your chosen field. You may not totally lose all of the skills you acquired, but you are thrilled by a new adventure, nonetheless. One that reawakens your heart, and brings back the twinkle in your eye. One that allows you to pivot to a new purpose and then aligns with your own journey again. The same thing seems to be happening to artists like myself. I'm seeing plenty of my friends and acquaintances starting to move away from the constant hustling of auditioning all the time to doing something entirely new, like directing, stage managing, costume designing, playwriting, or even self-producing their own shows. Or maybe some of them are returning to school to get their master's degree, and it's not in the arts. It's in something entirely different! Or maybe some of them are uprooting their lives and moving somewhere else where the opportunities are more plentiful and less stressful for themselves and their loved ones. Or maybe some of them have decided to leave the world of the arts all together and do something entirely unrelated to acting or directing or even creating, and find a way to reawaken their spirit again in a new field. For yours truly, I never thought that I would be leaning more into my writing than now, especially after spending six months writing my very first play. And to hear others say that it's actually quite good! I've never been more excited and allowing myself to actually dream again after doing something so scary like writing a play. And not only that, writing what I know, and doing it quite well. Now that it's going before an audience at a local fringe festival, my mind and heart are racing with possibilities of what could happen if it did get a full production. And better yet... A full production with me producing and performing in the role. With credits for playwriting as well! That's something I never thought I could do in my ten years as a professional actor. I didn't even think it would be possible for me to write blog posts so consistently for the past five years, and for people to take the time to read them. I guess it goes to show you that there is more than one way to showcase your creative talent. I just needed to find an outlet. And I almost resisted writing a play. I thought writing a monologue was enough for me. But when you have an acting coach insist that creating your own work can get you in the spaces you want to be in, and then seeing how beautiful it is to bring new works to life in development readings and workshops and then for them to blossom into successful ones... Well... I guess you better give it a try, and see how far it will take you. Having my play be taken to a reading series at a local fringe festival was NOT in my plans! But now that it's happening, and I also have two table reads under my boot (with plenty of edits that followed!), I can honestly say that I can go far with writing. Especially if the possibility presents itself to create more works for myself to share with others for the opportunity for me to perform. I never thought I could lean into another creative outlet like writing and producing to help flex my creative muscles, let alone remind myself that I can write out well-detailed emails to cast members, directors, and others in order to get the right information out (AND scheduling them in advance as opposed to sending them all in at once!) and I can be organized and have a simple plan in mind... But here we are! Which brings me to a question that I'm sure many of you are asking: "Does my acting career still matter?" And more importantly, "Is there still a place for me as an actor right now, in this very space and time?" It's a tough question to ask, especially after 10 years of doing this crazy thing called acting. But I figured I'd share with you some thoughts on that. Acting still maters to me. 💯 I can't imagine doing anything else with my life. In fact, there's been a lot of reflecting and observations on my career from the past decade that I've been processing, and so far, I've come to some pretty eye-opening realizations. One thing that I came up with that's the most relevant to this post is how much I've outgrown so many areas of my career that I stayed in for a long time. In a way, I feel like I've outstayed my welcome because of how much I didn't feel creatively fulfilled or inspired to grow when I was in the midst of some of these projects. But there's a big reason for the discontent and frustration: I was scared. I didn't know what lay ahead of me if I just did something different and have a bit of moxie working with me. And even if I did do something incredibly brave, not getting the response I wanted led me to believe that I was a failure and I shouldn't have done it in the first place. And that led me back into the spaces I knew and would easily get cast in, just so that I can keep working and doing what I love. But even in those familiar spaces and the people you enjoy working you, you can discover a lot of things about yourself and your surroundings that make you feel...

Unfulfilled. Even restless. There has been so many conversations and debates on how to move things forward, and it seems like whenever there are attempts to make it happen or they end up happening, there's always pushback because of fear. I think in the case of theatre there's a big fear of losing valuable audience members, especially the high paying donors who fund the show and the theatre. But then there's also the conflict of alienating audience members who've always to come to theatre, and have never gotten the chance because of how inaccessible it is due to pricing, and what's being offered. So, in the case of fear, you do what's easiest and most accessible to keep everyone seemingly happy - You stick with what you know, and who you know. And it can go from what shows you go after that aligns with the mission of the theatre company, all the way down to who you cast. Because as theatre audience history has shown us time and time again, more people gravitate towards who they know in the cast and crew, than if it's newer voices. Understudies, included. And the last thing companies and organizations want to do is to drive away loyal subscribers and audience members with using new voices and new works. Especially now with the amount of grants and awards being slashed. So... They stick with who they know, and what they know can bring in the loyal subscribers and keep things in a stable enough place to continue keeping theatre alive. But by doing that, theater companies are a part of the continued problem of making things more inaccessible than they need to be. Without a way to open up spaces for newer voices, and even more diverse seasoned voices, to get in, let alone be considered for opportunities, things have become far more inaccessible than ever before. And it's all driven by fear, it seems. I get it - things are rough all the way around right now, and people are trying to make sense of the madness going on all around us. Myself, included. But I would think that when circumstances are at their most dire, people and organizations can shine brightest. And not just out of using people and stories and funding they know out of desperation to ensure stability. But developing new ideas and programming and opportunities to network and build relationships to really get to know the members of the community, and truly understand what people want and need in order for those spaces to be more accessible to everyone, not just a select few. One thing I'm realizing as I'm leaning into this new chapter of adding playwright and producer to my resume is how much things have been inaccessible for me lately. Back in the day, you can easily submit your script for consideration for staged readings and developmental workshops. Now, not so much. Due to cuts in staff and only relying on more established playwrights, it's harder for newer voices and new works to get inside those spaces. And it's definitely out from a place of fear. All the way around. Nothing is certain anymore in the world of the arts. No thanks in part to the current political leadership. People are understandly frustrated and tired of constantly fighting a system that is so resistant to newer voices, new stories, new ideas, and new dreams. Especially when so many of them at the top are scared of losing the biggest donors and supporters to theatre companies and organizations. And no matter how many times they fight to make changes and make things more accessible for everyone, there's always that pushback that's just as loud and just as resistant to that change. I mean, one theatre company tried to limit how much paper they use by eliminating a full program and encouraging to use QR codes to look through the program. That didn't go over well, unfortunately. Because many of the long-time audience members raised a fuss (hell, even) over their fervent desire to have and hold a full program in their hands. And maybe they understood the need to protect the environment, but they at the time, they just want to be able to hold onto something to remember a show by. They just got to have a paper program. And one page or a foldable leaflet with a QR code isn't going to cut it for them. I truly believe that the resistance to change from the audience members and longtime supporters and donors are a big reason why there's such a huge turnover right now in roles and opportunities for the arts industry right now. Those at the top would rather listen to the ones with the money in order to ensure that things stay stable and allow them to continue on for many years to come... Instead of listening to the ones who have been calling for change for years, even decades, and allowing things to be more accessible. And not only that, making things more accessible and equitable for everyone 24/7, not just for one show once in a blue moon. In layman's terms, it should be the norm to make theatre more accessible to all diverse, seasoned artists, and newer voices in terms of auditions, callbacks, networking, and programming to help them grow and thrive. And it should also be the norm to feature shows and content that are accessible to every single person in terms of making tickets affordable, or even offering virtual options to watch the shows from home. Maybe that's why so many people are abandoning ship right now. Those at the top are giving into fear and sticking with what and who they know and can depend on to ensure stability... Instead of listening to the voices and ideas that are so exhausted and frustrated over their years for calling for change and instilling new ideas to help the arts flourish. What will it take for those voices to be FINALLY heard, taken seriously, and lead to more action that benefits everyone? If people who have been in their positions or their professions for many years deciding to leave after virtually screaming in the room to be heard and insisting that things need to change isn't an indication of how much the old ways aren't working anymore and they need to finally listen to them... I don't what is. As an artist, I'm just as exhausted and infuriated as those people are. And I'm just as stumped as to figure out what to do next. (Pardon my rambling on and on in this week's blog post, but there's been a bit of discussion and weariness on my part about how things are operating right now, and I'm trying to make sense of what's going on. But all the same, these are my obsevations and reflections, and you are welcome to disagree on anything or everything I've said in this or previous posts. But what I will not toleate is any form of offensive language, hate speech, or divisive words. We all need to learn to live with each other, and appreciate our differences. Especially now when things are so heated and maddening. If you can't do a simple thing like being kind to each other, I will block you.)

Sometimes, when there's so much change and transitions happening in our lives, we get overwhelmed. And it's hard to feel the ground underneath your feet at times. But it's especially hard when you're trying to be the change and feel the push of resistance from others. That can be quite tiring and infuriating, even when you've made it your mission to change the world. Maybe the best way to change and transform isn't to always look outward, but perhaps start looking inward for the best results. For me, this whole year has been a lot of unlearning, learning, training, adapting, and healing from past traumatic behaviors and ideas, many of them learned, to embrace new affirmations, ideas, beliefs, and encouragement in order to reach this point. It's never easy to do that - to learn and unlearn. It can almost feel like you're being peeled, and it gets closer and closer to the center. And as you get there, that's when it starts to hurt. And then you feel a lot of the weight you've been carrying fall off your shoulders and your nervous system. and you start to remember what it's like to breathe again. And as you're doing this, things start to become clearer. You begin to see things from the past in a new way that you haven't before, and then you start to hold yourself accountable for past behaviors, actions, and belief that may have harmed others... and yourself. It isn't easy, nor does it happen overnight. There's a TON of things to process as you look inward and make changes, and there may be long therapy sessions involved as you're doing this. Or at least late night phone calls lasting until the wee hours of the morning or a sobbing session during a Netflix flick. All that's to say, that as you start to look inward as you continue to go about your daily routine, you start to get a sense of maybe the things you've been doing all these years may no longer fit your current needs. And you start to make changes around you. You begin to take accountability, and make a concrete effort to change, no matter how painful it may be. You start to believe in yourself and your talents and capabilities, slowly but surely. You begin to fixate on what truly matters instead of being all over the place, and making sure your health comes first. No questions asked. You start to establish boundaries (and that one's a doozy) and communicate your needs and advocate for yourself. And from there, your world changes from around you. Starting inward with the change you want to see can help bring things into a new perspective on many things, including your career. As I've seen many artists go through this lately, we all had to look inward and figure out what needs to change in our lives to continue doing what we love so much. And what I've been noticing is how many of us are still going to auditions, callbacks, putting self-tapes together, networking and seeing shows... But we're also looking inward and outward to see that there may be more in addition to acting. One person is leaning into directing more, as well as writing. One person is leaning into writing for several publications more, as well as her vlogs in addition to acting. And yet another is learning to be a stage manager in addition to being a performer. And even another is self-producing their own work in addition to performing. Perhaps the question isn't whether "the play is the thing." But maybe the question now is... "Is there anymore more?" Is there anything more than just being in our own acting world? Is there anything more than just going to auditions and callbacks and begging to be chosen for a role? Is there anything more than just self-submitting and name dropping and networking? Is there anything more than just being rooted to one spot? Is there anything beyond doing things as they are out of desperation? And playing it safe to keep things calm and close to normal as they are? And only relying on the tried and true voices in order to tell our stories, and not the newer, bolder voices? And not giving into change... As so many have tried to tell them for years, even decades? Pivoting is never a change in who you are, but a new way to look at yourself and how you can move forward in a more elevated place than who you were when you started this journey. Perhaps looking inward may be the thing to help you find the courage to change the world around you... And perhaps pivot towards new ideas, dreams, and beliefs that you never thought would be possible. Pivoting is never the end, but the beginning of a new strategy that is worth trying and fighting for. But the minute you give into what others want and people please in order to calm the stormy seas and madness around you... Everyone loses. What lies out there beyond your comfort zone? How will you pivot to see the world you want to see... And continue seeing yourself as the amazing force of nature that you are? Think it about it this week.