What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?

Well, fellow readers, it's that time of year again. If you're reading this, you may have just celebrated Christmas with your loved ones, and are about to go into the stores shopping the after Christmas sales to get that gift you couldn't get or exchange it for something even better. Or you may be getting ready to celebrate the first night of Kwanzaa within your community. Or you may not even be in the holiday mood this year and are just doing some intense self-care or just treating this week like it's nothing special, probably due to some traumatic holiday experiences or you simply don't believe in celebrating the holidays for personal reasons. And that's okay! Whatever it is you're doing, I hope you had a lovely Christmas with your loved ones, by blood or by friendship, or are taking time to make sure that you're okay and feeling good if this season is a bit hard for you. Can you believe it? We're now just five days away from the end of 2025. And if you're like me, this year has been... a year. Whether it's been an absolutely fantastic year for you, or it has just been the absolute worst year for you, I think we can all agree that it's been a lot for all of us. We've all been going through a ton of changes, and a lot of things that have happened were out of our control. We tried so hard to retain whatever little control we have just so we wouldn't go crazy, but it's kind of hard when the universe tells us to let go and give up all control. That can be hard to do when there's simply too much happening all around us... Especially if it seems like a lot of things have been thrown at you all at once without much time to take a breath. I think there was always something monumental happening every month that caused us to stress out, worry, and get angry all at once. And it seems like it kept coming every single month without a lot of time to process or let it sink in. Come to think of it, there's a been a ton of changes that happened that didn't allow us to process or let it sink in, because there was always something else happening. So... yeah. This year had a lot thrown at us, both good and bad. I know for me personally I had more change than I'd like to have experienced, but if you'd like my honest opinion, a lot of that change was necessary for me. In fact, it was long overdue. Change has a funny way of forcing us out of our comfort zones and into new territory that allows us to grow and evolve into the individuals we were meant to become. A lot of the times, change is messy, uncomfortable, and befuddling. It can also be painful and maddening to the point of wanting to give up. You may not always know which way is left or right as you're going about your days with all of these changes going on. But once you have some time to finally sit, process, and reflect on it all, you may actually start to see how much good that change has done to you. You may even like the new person you're becoming and the new patterns and behaviors you have brought with you after so much old behaviors and beliefs for so long. It can actually be freeing, in some way. So, as we reach the end of 2025, I have a simple question for you: What are you doing New Year's Eve? It's not the question you expect me to ask, nor is the question one that you think you may know the answer to right away. You'll see what I mean right about... Now.

This beloved holiday ballad is getting reframed for a specific reason, and that's because of how much change we've experienced this year. So, the question of "what are you doing New Year's Eve" is best asked like this in my eyes: What are you bringing with you into the new year, when it's exactly 12 o'clock at night? What are you leaving behind for good when it's exactly 12 o'clock at night? What are you doing differently when it's exactly 12 o'clock at night? What are you manifesting when it's exactly 12 o'clock at night? What old beliefs and behaviors are you cutting off for good when it's exactly 12 o'clock at night? Well, if you're in need of some inspiration, take it from yours truly... This whole year for me has been fraught with all sorts of changes and many things being out of my control. And like many things, I get stressed and anxious about things like change. But when there seems to be change after change after change after change coming at you for what seems like a nonstop pace, that's when the anxiety and the stress reach new levels that even I couldn't handle. It was as if every single month this year had me experiencing so much change and transformation, and when it seemed like I had time to actually sit and process it all... WHAM! Something else happens that makes me more stressed and anxious. Now, I'm generally pretty flexible with changes, but I've started to see that the more flexible I am with change, the more burnt out and drained I become. I was literally bending over to other's demands... And not paying attention to my own needs. Because I was under the impression that my needs didn't matter. That they NEVER mattered. Not to my family, not to my friends, not to my neighbors, not to acquaintances, not to my coworkers, and especially not to me. Or at least, that's what I believed. Because it seemed like whenever I do stress that I need a break or time for me or time for what truly matters to me, I was always guilt-tripped into putting my needs to the side and take on more tasks than I needed to take on just to please others. I guess that's why it continued on into both of my part-time jobs. I had to go above and beyond because I had to please others, and my needs didn't matter. Or if they did matter, I was always thinking about doing more things for others just so that I can make time for myself. So that by the time I actually have time to do things for me, there's not much time or energy left for me to really take care of myself. Or in the case of being short-staffed, I had to take on the jobs of at least 5 or more colleagues in order to keep things going, or our patrons will be very upset. And you know how demanding they can be. And the last thing I wanted to do was to let the patrons down or get yelled at for not doing my best, because my absolute best wasn't good enough for them. I kept on silently praying that I would have time for myself, to truly enjoy life and what makes me happy, and to actually put myself first. To actually not have to take on so much tasks out of fear, and to let others help me out and let me rest and breathe. Well, I got the answer to my prayer... But it wasn't in the way that I expected. It had to take much of this year for me to realize that a lot of what I was doing, what my coping mechanisms seemingly helped me, and my old behaviors were no longer helping me at all. And in some ways, they were damaging my relationships to the point where people have called me out for taking their kindness and friendships for granted because I was using people and not realizing that my patterns were harming others. In fact, I finally saw for the very first time that my coping mechanisms and patterns were in reality harming me and others, and it came in the form of a particularly traumatic show to force me to see what happened when I didn't really advocate for my needs or even accepted nothing but less than what I deserve. Or even if I truly deserve anything good at all. (NOTE: If you'd like to learn more about the show, check out my blog post from earlier this year for more information.) Somehow, it took a chaotic, disorganized, and anxiety-inducing environment to force you to see that what you're doing is no longer working, and that you have to listen to what others have been trying to tell you for years. Like how it's okay to say no to projects and opportunities that no longer serve you. Like how it's okay to say no to doing too much, even if it is going above and beyond. Like how it's okay to do nothing and reset and relax. Like how it's okay to create standards, and even set them higher than what you're used to. Like how it's okay for others to take on your duties, and trust that they will get the job done without you having to fix everything. Like how it's okay to do your research on people, places, and projects before rushing into submit based on only one of the criteria, like money or the title of the project. Like how it's okay to slow down and not rush everywhere you go. Like how it's okay to do things that protect your mental and emotional wellbeing, even if others may not see it in the same way you do. Like how it's okay to find joy in the simple things. Like how it's okay to see your worth and raise your standards to help you receive nothing but the best. Like how it's okay to use your voice. It's been a long time coming for me to finally see this with my own eyes, and make a concentrated effort to change things, like my behaviors, my coping mechanisms, and my beliefs. When you come from an abusive household, it's so easy to build up the beliefs and opinions from others and their experiences as the truth, even if you weren't at fault. It's so easy to carry on so much of their trauma as your responsibility, and your never-ending mission to fix them... And possibly even fix the world that is so broken. It's also so easy to carry on so much of the duties put upon you, and even do more than what is asked of you, just so you can be sure everything, and everyone, is okay. And it's extremely easy to not put yourself first because of the people in your life who told you that your needs didn't matter, and you were shamed for even doing the smallest bit of self-care for yourself. It's more than likely due to the instability at home, and the lack of love, encouragement, and support from your family that was supposed to be the foundation of your existence. Without those things, it can be easy to do everything in your power to receive the love, encouragement, and support from others. Even if it's from people who don't have your best interests at heart, and break your heart in the process. I've carried so much false beliefs and behaviors over the years, and it had to take being in a traumatic and chaotic show in the one space where I value my safety and my heart the most to make me see that it's time to let go of what I carried for so long. So much of the trauma, behaviors, beliefs, and emotional & mental damage that I held for much of my life needed to be released. Not just for a moment, but for good. The things people tell you about letting go, moving on, doing this or that, and so on - you can understand what they're saying or trying to show you, but until it really sinks into your bones and you finally have that light bulb moment, you will never really comprehend it to the point of taking action. In other words, you have to be the one to realize, understand, and take proactive steps to let the words and messages seep into your heart and help you move forward. It took me so long to finally realize that I don't have to do it all or take on so much, even after doing it for so long, especially in the midst of a global pandemic. When people say "I got your back," I didn't really register it in my mind and heart - or even accept it as true - until recently, when people gave me permission to allow others to take on some of the work. And not only that, I have to actually trust that they know what to do and that I don't have to fix everything or do everything like I normally would anymore. I think accountability is a big part of this as well. Time and time again I've been called out for so many things - being tardy when a friend giving me a ride shows up and they are late, not paying for a meal in a timely fashion, asking for money too many times, not putting in the effort in my preparation outside of rehearsals, and even just not communicating effectively when I'm on my way or things have changed. I would take their tone of voice and frustrations as a personal attack on who I am since I grew up in a traumatic household, and not really make an effort to change. I would blame my shortcomings on my trauma and that I'm going through a lot and that I deserve some sympathy and love from others instead of holding myself accountable. And more often than not, those instances would involve a bad day, a lot of things being thrown at me without much time to process, and a burst of anger and tears. Which, in turn, would lead to misunderstandings and me apologizing profusely just to keep the peace and not lose any more good people who have been good to me and continue to use them for my own needs. I needed to keep them close. I couldn't afford to lose anyone else. Especially those people who cared so much about me, even more than some of my family members. So, you see... I'm just as bad of a person for not taking responsibility for my behaviors and actually taking steps to change and do things differently. It happens to the best of us... Even those of us who are recovering from traumatic childhoods, relationships, and experiences. Recovering from so much trauma also includes learning and understanding what others have been trying to tell you for years, and accepting that you have to go at your own pace to let the words and messages sink in. It took me much of my life to finally realize I don't have to do it all anymore, and now that I've realized it, I'm thankful that I don't have to do it all anymore, and that it's okay to ask for help. When you're dealing with so much trauma, it's easy to do it alone. No one is truly alone. It's okay to let go, let others take the lead, and allow others to have your back. It will take time to truly trust others and yourself to accept the help, but more importantly, it will take time to learn which people you can trust to help you because not everyone will have your best interests at heart. Sometimes that's all we need in order to be the best versions of ourselves: TIME. Because nothing ever really happens over night, not the types of things that requires a lot of effort and dedication, anyway. You have to be the one to realize and understand and fully accept what everyone is trying to tell you and what you need to learn, but just the same, it takes time and your own personal experience to reach that place. It can be painful to finally see what others have been trying to tell you for so long, but that's where you need to give yourself the most grace and love. Believe me, that's a big part of my healing and transformation. Giving myself grace. And it can look different for everyone. We're not always meant to get it right the first time, nor the millionth time. So, be sure to give yourself all of the love and grace you can on this journey called life. And know that you will get around to learning the lesson that others have been warning you or trying to get you to see for the first time. It will never sink into your psyche the very first time. Even the wisest people know that's the truth! (As we wind down 2025, I just want to take this time to thank all of you for reading my blog posts. I know that it's been a bit more deep than in recent times, but I truly believe that authenticity and not holding back is very important to me as an artist and writer, and this has been quite the journey for me to get to a place where I can use my voice to share what's going on in my life, while also remaining true to who I am as a person. That being said, these are all my observations and reflections. You are welcome to disagree with anything I've said in this week's post or the previous posts before this. But I won't tolerate any disrespectful commentary, offensive language, or harmful speech that belittles others. We all have to learn to live with each other, and appreciate each other's differences. If you can't do a simple thing like that, I will block you.)

So... What is it I'm bringing into the new year, when it's exactly 12 o'clock at night? Awareness. Healing. Manifesting. Gratitude. Clarity. Gentleness. Light. Worth. Courage. My voice. My talents. My persistence. My dreams. My heart. What am I leaving behind for good when it's exactly 12 o'clock at night? Doing it all, even if it is going above and beyond. Poor communication. Not filling my cup first before filling someone else's cup. Negative self-talk. Settling for less than what I deserve. Rushing through life without slowing down. Running on empty. Not taking the time to process everything that's happened before and up to this point. Blaming my shortcomings on my trauma and not making changes and holding myself accountable. Not expressing my feelings and needs when I'm frustrated or upset. Bad influences from my family and friends when I was abused and bullied. Past beliefs that somehow shaped my life in traumatic ways. Lack of confidence in my craft and whatever I put my mind to. Not enough preparation for auditions and callbacks. Not going outside of my comfort zone, even if it will help me. Saying "yes" to everything and anything. Not asking questions. Not truly loving myself and what I can do if I set my mind to it. What am I doing differently when it's exactly 12 o'clock at night? Asking for help. Allowing myself to have a moment to breathe. Doing what I truly love to do. Saying no, even if it's hard to do. Going out in nature more often. Forgiving myself. Giving myself grace. Better communication with my family and friends. Holding myself accountable for my past actions and behaviors. Not oversharing private details 24/7, unless I want to. Having confidence in whatever I do and set my mind to. Submitting to more projects outside of the region, and knowing that I am enough, even if I'm not cast for the project. Researching the WHOLE project - people, place, title, compensation, length - and not just focusing on one thing. Being more selective with what I go out for. Accepting roles and opportunities that align with my current needs as an artist. More chances to network and engage in conversations with others. More affirmations and "I will..." statements. More plant based foods and drinks. More opportunities to workout to stay healty. Putting myself first more often, if not every day. Allowing and trusting others to take some of the load, and being okay with that. What old beliefs and behaviors am I leaving behind when it's exactly 12 o'clock at night? "I have to say yes to everything." "I don't deserve a higher paying opportunity." "I'm ugly." "I'm not worthy of good things." "I have to stay silent in order to keep my job." "I can't cry in front of my colleagues, so I'll just sit and keep quiet until I get home." "I have to do everything by myself because I'm the only one good enough to complete the task." "I have to rush through everything in order to get it all done." "I need to do multiple tasks at once." "I won't tell anyone if I'm uncomfortable because I don't want to be a bother or a nuisance." "I can't speak up about poor behaviors because I will get hurt." "I'm not meant to move forward." "You should only be within your comfort zone 24/7." "Your needs don't matter." Staying silent and letting my emotions fester after getting hurt. Only staying within a certain region to find opportunities because it's safe. Not being honest about my life and my feelings. Not communicating to anyone when I need help with something. Not trusting others to help me. Doing everything by myself. What am I manifesting when it's exactly 12 o'clock at night? More higher paying opportunities with professional companies and organizations that are high quality. Opportunities to bond with my cast, without any trauma bonding. Opportunties to perform in NYC. More classical theatre projects as a supporting role. More musical theatre projects as a supporting role that doesn't involve a lot of dancing. Understudy roles with guaranteed performances, or ample rehearsal time so that I can be prepared in the event that I do need to go on at the last minute. Being valued as an artist. Being in more safe spaces as an artist. Being stimulated/challenged as an artist, while also not compromising my safety and emotional & mental stability. Booking regional theatre opportunities in my region and beyond. Submitting my one-act play to play festivals and theatre companies. Seeing my one-act play workshopped and performed in staged readings. Performing my original monologue before audiences. Booking commercials and short films. Performing in the local fringe festival. Better communication with my family and friends, even if it's simple as needing to take some time to breathe. More auditions and audition appointments. Financial abundance and stability. A birthday trip to London and other parts of the UK. A better grasp on my health - physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. A deeper relationship with God. More connections and networking opportunities with the people who align with my interests and needs, and who have my best interests at heart. More opportunities to learn about my career and the craft. Healing from the trauma and behaviors that plagued my life. Opportunities that stimulate me and challenge me. Opportunities that allow me to fall in love with acting again. Projects and opportunities that are fun. Winning awards for my acting and writing. Learning new material as often as I get. Reconnecting with friends and acquaintances. Filling my cup first with what I love to do. More chances to travel. Safe spaces to rehearse and perform in. More conversations with my family. New adventures in my home region and beyond. Audition opportunities in NYC for a week. Callbacks. A gentle year. My nervous system to be finally healed and at peace. Loving myself first 24/7. This year seems to be involving a lot of shedding and letting go of what no longer serves us. I know I did a lot of that this year. And I'm pretty sure you did the same, even if it's minuscule changes you made. So, let me ask you this again: What are you doing New Year's Eve? Whatever it is you're doing on New Year's Eve, I hope 2026 brings you all that you're hoping for, and that all of your hard work and persistence pays off. I hope 2026 is gentle to you, and that you have moments to breathe, process, grieve, heal, and love (though not necessarily in that order). I hope 2026 allows you to look back at all of the things you shedded and let go this year will inspire you to go after what truly makes you happy, what your purpose is, and not be afraid to become your highest version of yourself. If all else fails, doing it scared is often the best way to go! I hope 2026 is a year that actually makes sense to you, and that you don't have too many things happening all at once that befuddles you. I hope you get a chance to sit and process, and BREATHE. I hope 2026 is a year that can bring you all that you hope for, and that you become the person you were meant to be. From my family to yours: Happy holidays, and have a blessed happy new year! Can't wait to write some amazing blogs in 2026!